Ideas That Will Not Change The World

15 Facebook Buttons You Won’t See Soon

Posted on May 14, 2013 by aaronfrale

For a tool designed to simplify people’s lives, it seems to complicate it.

Facebook really needs a more realistic approach to their design. Each time they reinvent the interface, they always miss out on a chance to really have it more fully compatible for people’s lives. Here are a few buttons Facebook lacks for a truly more pragmatic social experience:

1. Having an Affair With – You have the married and in a relationship buttons but lack the affair button. I don’t think Facebook adequately represents some people’s social lives without one!

2. Also Married To – Polygamist relationships can be really rocky when they have to choose just one wife for Facebook. There is enough jealousy without picking one to represent the marriage.

3. Meh – Why is it always in terms of like and dislike? Why not ambivalence? Wouldn’t you want a button to express your extreme disinterest into your peers day to day thoughts and activities.

4. Masterbating – Facebook encourages chatting by telling all your friends when you are online. But what if you are just cruising Facebook for masturbatory purposes? You really need a button to let all your friends know that you aren’t looking at your best friends hot cousin’s photo because you wanted to know how she spent her summer vacation.

5. Jailbait - Your best friend needs a way to politely remind you about the age of their hot cousin.

6. Drunk – Streams of depressing rants, embarrassing photos, and anything you need to disappear can go into a spam like folder and spare you and your friends the embarrassment of dealing with it.

7. Polite A.I. Response - Ever caught in an online conversation with someone who rarely seems to have a point, has plenty to say, and never understands that polite one or two word responses really mean, “I’d rather light fire to my eyeballs than continue this conversation.” Polite A.I. Response Button will save you the Lasik surgery.

8. Behavior Tags – Facebook seems to lack tags like asshole or leech. Why tag a photo with someone’s name when you can identify them with behavior everyone will recognize?

9. Blur Face – Once you join witness protection, your social networking days are over. Any mafia hit man can just cruise Facebook and find your face. Unless you blur it. Also helpful for parties you’d rather forget.

10. Ass Shove – For every poke, farm request, and help me make Zynga rich request, you have one convenient button to tell them where to shove it.

11. Profile Picture Changer - Why go to all the trouble to think for yourself when you can just follow the crowd? When a social cause propagates through Facebook, why not just have Facebook use the most popular profile pic among your friends as your own? It will be even funnier if we all change our profile picture to monkey asses after the Picture Changer goes live.

12. Stupid - This button really has too many uses to mention but wouldn’t it be great if you could warn your friends when they post drunken party pictures the night before their DWI trial?

13. Idiot – Most idiots are completely unaware that crap like, “She should have been wearing a longer skirt” or “Gays really need to make a different lifestyle choice” are simply just crap. So the idiot button would change whatever they post to “blah blah blah blah” or fart noises if there is audio. It will let those looking for an intelligent discussion have a chance to ignore the bullshit.

14. Validate Me - Some friends seek approval for their existence by irritating friends with all the drama they could probably avoid if they stop seeking it out. The Validate Me button will cut the engagement time required for validating their existence.

15. Vomited in My Mouth - I think everyone could use a “I just vomited in my mouth” button every once in a while.

Posted in Family, Office, Politics, School, Technology | Tagged Button, comedy, Facebook, humor, Social, Social Networking, Technology | 2 Comments

8 Surefire Ways to Motivate Your Employees

Posted on May 7, 2013 by aaronfrale

Have you ever thought a dickhead boss was just Q fucking with you?

1. Implied Threats – Nothing gets them to work faster than veiled threats of disciplinary action. Here is a role play:

Employee: Boy howdy, I sure do love this Angry Birds.

Manager: It’d be a shame if someone’s house were burnt down because there were no complete spreadsheets.

Employee: You got it boss! I sure do love my record collection more than Angry Birds. It’d be a shame if they melted in the fire.

Manager: That’s right. And it doesn’t matter to me if your family is inside the house.

Employee: Jeepers, I had no idea my boss was such a wacko.

Manager: Only to dead beat layabouts.

Employee: You don’t have to worry about me. I am doing those spreadsheets right now.

Manager: Great, I’ll put the home made napalm away.

2. Give unachievable goals or deadlines – Staff work harder when they have a task they can never do. If they can only manufacture twenty items in a day, tell them the minimum is forty. Workers strive for excellence when you overwork them and they push even harder when you underpay them because now they have a goal to reach. Role play:

Manager: I would like all 5,000 pages due tomorrow.

Employee: Jeepers! I can only do 1 page an hour!

Manager: The only person holding yourself back is you.

Employee: I better get started! I really need to get a salary increase somehow.

Manager: Don’t count on it. But if deluding yourself helps….

Employee: It sure does! I’ve often wondered what I would do with all the money, sex, and power.

Manager: Not all of us are cut out for upper management kid.

3. Micromanagement- Your workforce is sort of a misnomer. Employees want to do anything but work. How do you think YouTube became so popular? The only real way to ensure that people work is standing over their shoulder.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No.

Manager: You done yet?

Employee: No!

Manager: Umbers! You missed a capital letter! Busted!

Even Picard had to deal with some dickhead admirals.

4. Not Following Up – Employees work twice as hard when they work their ass off for something and you pretend like you didn’t notice. It’s like that annoying kid who followed you around in high school. He did all this stuff to get your attention, wore your same clothes, hats, he even bought a guitar when you did. You did your best to ignore him but he only tried harder. It works with employees too.

Employee: So about that 5,000 page spreadsheet I did for you the other day… Did you have a chance to look at it?

Manager: Don’t you knock? I was sexting with this hot girl I met on the internet.

Employee: Are sure it’s a girl?

Manager: That’s half the fun! It could be an 80-year-old man, my wife, or even my own daughter!

Employee: You’re sick.

Manager: You don’t rise through the ranks of a genetically modified food company that pressures small farmers out of business for nothing.

5. Public criticism – One of the best ways to really get the best work out your employee is humiliation. They work twice as hard when they know people will laugh at them. Feel free to add ethnic jokes because it will really get your audience rolling on the floor.

Manager: Look at this spreadsheet! My third-grader can do better math than this. Some asshole turned this piece of shit in and expected me to accept it? Congratulations that asshole is you.

All the other employees laugh.

Employee: I tried my best.

Manager: Well your best isn’t good enough. I wanted 5,000 pages. Not a turd gift basket. I thought you Germans were good at math!

All the other employees laugh harder.

Employee: My grandfather was German.

Manager: I guess your grandfather must have hit his head when he fell out of the guard tower!

All the other employees laugh even harder.

Another Employee One: That’s funny because he’s calling his grandfather a Nazi.

Another Employee Two: Shut up Ted.

Manager: Go cry to your momma boy! I will end you!

Employee: I really learned that I should try harder. After all, I was only victimized because I set myself up to be a victim. If I worked harder on that 5,000 page spreadsheet, I would not have been publicly humiliated. Victims are really the ones responsible.

Manager: That’s right. Suck it bitch!

6. Not explaining your actions or sharing company data – A good way to keep employees on the right path is by not sharing information. Employees really respond to not knowing how they fit in the bigger picture. You also don’t want them asking questions.

Employee: So boss, can I see some of the accounting data so I can make my spreadsheet better?

Manager: No.

Employee: But I noticed part of the budget problem was due to a million dollar error in…

Manager: You are asking too many questions. If I want to embezzle one million a year for hookers and blow, than that’s my choice. You are really invading my privacy when you ask for company records.

Employee: Jeepers boss, I didn’t know you could charge hookers and blow to your expense account.

Manager: It’s part of the Per Diem. I’ve got to attract new clients somehow. Don’t you watch Madmen?

7. Not honoring creative thinking and problem solving - Underlings will always tell you how to do your job. Don’t let them. You are the boss. You have way more experience than your employees. Try to lord that over them. Make sure you present their ideas as your own. They’ll appreciate helping out someone they deeply respect like you.

Employee: Boss! Boss! I figured out how to make your hookers and blow money look like a company expense. If we over budget the cost of everything, the excess is not only one but two million dollars!

Manager: You snot nosed punk. Don’t tell me how to run this! It will never work. Fuck off.

Next board meeting:

Manager: Gentlemen, I have the answer you’ve been looking for! I’ve figured out how to double our hooker and blow budget and expense it to the company!

The spell checker wants to change dickhead to Dickens.

Picard knows what to do with the dickeads.

8. Failing to provide praise – Once again, remember how ignoring people only makes them like you better. People will really look for your attention if you pretend they don’t exist. It seems to work for teenage boys and girls.

Close up on manager’s face.

Manager: The board was so pleased with my idea, they tripled my salary!

Zoom out to reveal manager tied to a chair. Employee is wild eyed and sharpening a large knife.

Employee: Your idea? Your IDEA?

Teenage Boy: This is stupid. I hate going to these stupid trainings. Who are you?

Teenage Girl: I’m your girlfriend.

Teenage Boy: So your that chick I see when I’m bored.

Teenage Girl: I know beneath your rugged exterior you’ll change, so I keep punishing myself with an asshole like you.

Manager: High-five buddy! You totally can do her whenever you want!

Teenage Boy: Yeah, bro! It’s awesome.

Teenage Girl: Can I borrow your knife?

Employee: I’ll tie him down.

Posted in Office, Star Trek | Tagged comedy, HR, humor, manager, managerment, office, Picard, planning, q, Star Trek, Work | Leave a comment

Excuse Me. Waiter. There’s Religion in my Schools…

Posted on May 1, 2013 by aaronfrale

Ever notice how prophets look like they should be in a metal band?

I realize that if you read my blog regularly, you’d probably be under the misconception that I’m against Christianity. But affiliating oneself with a religion doesn’t really bother me. It’s when people use religion to disguise awful behavior that irritates me. For example, when a person monologues about why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry thus making them second class citizens. I don’t consider it religious expression. I consider it bigotry and hate speech. Now keep in mind, people have the right to bigotry and hate speech but let’s call it like it is.

Or when a person tries to teach creationism in schools as a competing theory to evolution rather than a religious doctrine as it should be taught. It’s like teaching a tug-o-war game between God and Satan as an competing theory of gravity! Science fact as never invalidated the presence of other beings beyond our current level of comprehension. Though if creationism is taught in school as science, we better not go halfway and just teach the Christian version. We should teach the Scientology version with spaceships and cool space battles. We should also teach the Cthulhu one too. After all, ancient sleeping evil and epic Sci-Fi have as much science backing as a 6,000 year old planet.

I never understood why some Christian groups have this need to have their entire life centered around the religion to the point of not living in the reality around them. I’m sure the same people who want creationism taught in school also want prayer in school (Which, I’m actually OK with prayer in school so long as people can pray to Satan, Jesus, a delicious smoothie, the porn magazine they have hiding in their backpack, or whatever. They can not pray at all if they want. Oh wait, we already have this. It’s called the moment of fucking silence!).

Principal Nasal Voice: Students, we’d like to observe a moment of silence today for all the porn magazines confiscated for my personal collection… I mean school filing system. Yes, filed away… on your permanent record… not with the centerfold on my desk and my hands where you can’t see them. Either way, the porn was missing today so I must ask you to join me in a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, do not pray. Praying is illegal because our entire society is secretly waging a war on Christianity. By respecting other cultures such as Muslims and Buddhists, we are really trying prevent the Christian way of life. So no praying. Even though praying happens in your head, and I can’t really tell if you are praying or not during moments of silence. I will just have to assume you are praying and you will be expelled. Unless you have porn. Then you’ll just get a stern warning with no serious consequences because I need to build my collection back somehow. I mean school filing system. Thank you students.

Click. click.

The scary part of the above monologue is I really did have a teacher in middle school who confiscated porn for personal use. He would keep the porn in a drawer at his desk claiming he was filing it on your permanent record. Naturally, the students didn’t want it on the permanent record so we’d steal it back. We knew what was really going on, especially when he was caught one lunch period with hand in pants. And I’m sure we all have similar stories tell. A friend of mine said all the girls hated to talk to one teacher at her school because he talked to the chest and not the face. So basically, creationism and prayer in school are bigger issues than getting rid of the perv teachers? Once again, priorities! It’s fine to be religious. It’s another thing to be completely consumed by it to where you ignore everything else.

Kahless is definitely the singer. Jesus on lead guitar. Mohammed on bass and Buddha on drums. Prophacalypse. Live in concert. It will bust your balls.

I love Star Trek. I’m a couple episodes short of watching every episode of every single series. And I’ll even admit that the idea of dressing up to go to a convention or a movie premiere has an appeal to me (Data, yep I’m that nerdy). However, I would draw the line at assuming a Star Trek identity. Imagine waking up early every morning to put on Klingon makeup, going through pain stick rituals every weekend, and even going out fast food in full Klingon gear (such as in the movie Trekkies). I think the Klingon and the super Christian share the same sort of disconnect from reality. But at least the Klingon doesn’t try to force my children to live the Klingon lifestyle.

Klingon: Kapla! Pain stick rituals must be allowed in school.

Principal Nasal Voice: Do have any Klingon pornography?

Klingon: I do. But since Klingon sex is so violent, our deviant behavior is… different.

Klingon porn video:

A male Klingon wearing a tuxedo holds the door for a female Klingon dressed in a white lace dress.

Male Klingon: I have flowers, wine, and a massage waiting for you.

Female Klingon blushes.

Male Klingon: But first, some poetry. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…

Principal Nasal Voice: Take her clothes off!

Male Klingon: I do say sir. You are insulting the virtue of my lady. Draw your foil.

Principal Nasal Voice: That’s contraband. You’ll give that to me along with any dirty photographs you possess.

Male Klingon: Have at thee!

Principal Nasal Voice: Just text me some nude pics and we’ll call it even.

Religions definitely serve a function for people. There are plenty of Christian groups who aren’t bigots, do good things for their community, and do not attempt to make everyone live their lifestyle. Those groups are pretty much aware there are others on the planet who don’t believe as they do. But why do some Christian groups try to control other people’s lives? I’ve never seen a Klingon going door to door handing out flyers for Kahless.

I claim this land in the name of the New Jersey turnpike!

“Please god, Let me win the tickets to see Prophacalyspe. I won’t kill any more Native Americans. I swear.”

Here in New Mexico, we have ancient pueblos with equally as old churches. Last I heard, the Native Americans have a different ancestral religion. It’s not like Jesus swam across the ocean to convert the Native Americans. People did the converting. Imagine how history would have been different if we respected each others believe rather than force others into our own.

Spanish Conquistador: I claim this land in the name of Spain.

Principal Nasal Voice: I claim this porn in the name of my pants.

Spanish Conquistador: OK, I respect your beliefs and all but get a room!

So believe and do what you want in your home (within reason, try to keep off the ritual sacrifice), private school, church, etc.-be it Jesus, Kahless, or Debbie and the Dallas Cowboys. But please for the sake of everyone else on the planet outside of your private life, understand that reality is still churning away. Gay people exist and deserve the same rights as any other person. Women should be the ones to decide what they do with their bodies. Children from various religious backgrounds go to public school so we shouldn’t jam our ideology down their throats. And Harry Potter is a book and Dungeons and Dragons is a game!

An Evil Cult Member is about ritually sacrifice a virgin.

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of blood.

Virgin: So a pint or two? Then I can go home?

Evil Cult Member: For the great Demon Lord, I give the gift of six pints of blood.

Virgin: Had to try. Now I’ll never get laid.

Evil Cult Member member raises the dagger and rolls a twenty sided die getting 1.

Evil Cult Member: Damn. Broke my dagger. Guess your free to go.

Posted in Politics, School, Star Trek | Tagged comedy, humor, klingon, monologue, Politics, prayer, principal monologue, religion, School, Star Trek | Leave a comment

Dancing for Jesus

Posted on April 24, 2013 by aaronfrale

I discovered what truly will be the next dance craze to sweep the nation and reinforced my belief that the rapture will be a good thing:

Before you laugh or blow your own brains out (or combination thereof), hear me out. Also try to ignore the “creepy stalker voice calling you at midnight” vocal stylings, and really think about this video. Lawnmowers have nothing to do with Jesus or leaning. Old people… in sports car… brain melting… STOP! Never mind–don’t think about the video! Just trust that it will be the next dance craze. It has dance moves so simple that any idiot could do it.

Bystander One: Is he doing the Jesus Lean or having a seizure?

Bystander Two: Better call the paramedics to be safe.

When you look at dance crazes throughout history like the Twist, the Macarena, the not really a dance craze but Gotta Poop Bad Wiggle, they all are pretty simple moves. The higher skill required to preform the dance move, the less likely the dance will ever catch on. That’s why the MIT school of dance never really made it.

Einstein’s original notes on relativity explain time dilation occurs with bodies in motion.

Dancer: I’m investigating the possibility of Quantum Entanglement connecting parallel universes through dance using the song Fame. The control in my experiment will be the average man off the street.

Helmet Man: I’m wearing a helmet! Fame–live forever–fame…

Helmet Man dances in a fashion which looks like a seizure.

Dancer: I don’t know why I even try…

In order for the dance to catch on and become a wedding and Christmas party tradition like the Electric Slide or the Bunny Hop, the dance moves must be simple. The Jesus Lean, is about a simple as you can get. Even Helmet Man could learn the dance.

Helmet Man’s limbs flail widely.

Helmet Man: Jesus lean! Lean Jesus! NA NA NA NA!

Well, almost anyone. But the point being, the secret to dance craze success is pretty clear–simple moves almost anyone can do. And like any good YouTube phenomenon, everybody will start making videos. Soon we’ll see videos such as the Buddha Bend, the Allah Allemande, the Krishna Kick, and the Jehovah Jump. Naturally, the next step will be holy wars.

Holy Warer One: I kill you in the name of the one true dance move!

Holy Warer Two: Oh yeah! My dance move is way better so you die!

Holy Warer Three: There is only one way to settle this. A holy war dance off!

Later… the contestants are sweaty.

Holy Warer One: Why don’t all Holy Wars end like this?

Holy Warer Two: Dance offs are a lot less bloody.

Jesus: It’s because my dance move sucks! The Lean? Come on! I’m going to start a crusade.

And if you thought the Jesus Lean was amazing. Check out the Christian Side Hug:

Remember folks–if man does a front hug to a woman, they’d get her pregnant. Anyone who lives a sheltered existence knows that the penis is like a spitting cobra. It can strike at anytime. Even through clothing! So you better start side hugging. In the words of the friend of a friend who discovered these videos, “I’m don’t know if they are helping Christianity so much as hurting Hip Hop.”

Posted in Music, Politics | Tagged Christian, comedy, dance, hip hop, humor, Jesus, lean, music, rap, video, youtube | 2 Comments

Puppies For World Peace

Posted on April 15, 2013 by aaronfrale

I really think I need to reiterate my stance on senseless violence this week. We should really fight terrorism with baskets full of puppies. Imagine some wacko who is about to place a bomb at a crowded event, he opens the trashcan… and it’s FULL OF PUPPIES. Who could murder puppies? And what if they did murder puppies? They’d probably be denounced by most the terrible groups of humanity.

Al-Qaeda Spokesperson: While the slaughter of capitalist pig dogs gives me warm tingles, there is nothing more criminal than the slaughter of innocent puppies. For once, Al-Qaeda must offer a formal condolences to the American people for such a terrible crime.

The Young Hitler Club: An awful crime was committed today. We must set aside our differences and work together for harmony and peace for all puppy kind. For each synagogue we burn down, we’ll donate to animal rescue.

The guard behind Timothy Mcveigh looks like he’s smelling a fart.

Timothy Mcveigh Jam of the Month Club: For each jam you buy this month, two dollars will be donated to the victims of the puppy bombing…

No matter how terrible and awful of a person you can be, it takes a person that much, much worse to do something bad to cute furry little animals. So the obvious solution to curb violence is ensuring that cute animals are present in every public venue. And if we are aware somebody with terrorist tendencies, we send them a basket full of kitties to curb the behavior before it becomes a problem.

Potential Terrorist: I hate the world and everybody hates me. Nobody loves me.

A kitty purrs and brushes against the terrorist’s leg.

Potential Terrorist: Except for Miss Mewsovich III. You love me.

The kitty purrs and raises her but as he scratches her back.

Potential Terrorist: I can’t stay mad with you in the world!

So if we want to put an end on violence for good, remember that hate takes way more energy than love. To truly hate, you need to spend all this time coming up with a diabolical scheme. Schemes take time! And who has the time for evil plots? All of Breaking Bad is on Netflix. Whereas with love, all you need is a ball or some catnip. I think John Lennon said that.

Think about it.

John: All you need are balls! All you need are balls! All you need are balls! Balls! Balls are all you need.

Ringo: Wouldn’t love work better?

John: But don’t you need balls to make love? Think about it.

John plays the punk rock, “All You Need Are Balls”.

Posted in Music, Politics | Tagged bombing, bombings, bombs, comedy, humor, kitties, kitty, puppies, puppy, terrorists | Leave a comment

Interview & More!

Posted on April 12, 2013 by aaronfrale

Check out an interview of me from a fellow comedy blogger Essa. You’ll find out some fun facts about me that you didn’t know including how I really get networking for the music done. And while you’re there, follow her blog. You will be pleased.

Posted in Creative Endeavours | Tagged Aaron Frale, Essa Alroc, interview, Spiral | Leave a comment

10 Ways to Spend the Time While on Hold

Posted on April 10, 2013 by aaronfrale

“Thank you for calling sex-aholics anonymous. May I have your name, number, and the time you get off work please?”

Waiting on hold sucks. Here are some ways to have it suck less:

1. Plan World Domination – Most people think, “I’d love to rule the world, but when will I have the time?” If you are waiting on hold, you can easily make the time, and you will have no moral objection to the slaughter of innocents after enough hold music.

2. Clean Your Desk – Most desks are organized in the black hole method of piling stacks of paper anywhere they fit. You can use that hold time to genetically engineer bacteria that feed on paper, thus leaving your work area squeaky clean. You can also make paper hats for annoying co-workers in hopes the flesh eating bacteria will mutate the moment they put on the hat.

3. Give a Shit About the Environment – Most people don’t really have time for the ocean because we live on land. Who cares about plastic build up in the ocean? When the algae that produces most of the oxygen we breath die, we can always wear space suits. And space suits are badass. Who wouldn’t want to wear space suits? This one should actually be Space Suits Are Awesome.

4. Talk to the Voices You Hear During Hold Music -