With Halloween around the corner, you should be scared and shit. If you aren’t scared, then here is a tale to chill your boner and your bones too!
Narrator: It was a dark and stormy knight named Josh. He was the long lost cousin of Lancelot. Most people thought he was a cheese dick but there was some mild depression and sarcasm in him as well. So King Arthur came unto Josh and Lancelot and said:
Medieval painting titled: Bitch rollin’ up on my Bling
King Arthur: Yo! Yo! Arthur in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches in this hizzy. We need to drink from pimpin’ goblets n’ shit. You drink malt liquor from the holy grail! Ain’t no way you go home alone. Know what I mean?
Lancelot: I don’t know what you mean. I understood probably only 1/3 of what you said. You see I fight for truth, justice, the ability for old ladies to walk their dogs safely at night, children having the same educational opportunities, pancake Sundays-
Josh: Dude, he wants us to find the holy grail.
King Arthur: Yo, this dawg knows the what what.
Lancelot: I shall perform your task with honor, dignity, a head held high looking towards the rising sun to symbolize a new day…
Josh: Fuck… I hate my family.
Narrator: Meanwhile Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, and Edward from the Twilight series were making plans of their own in Dracula’s living room. He has one of those 3D TVs. I’m personally waiting for holodecks. You probably won’t ever see me leave. Unless they don’t have a self cleaning cycle.
Edward: Yo! Yo! Edward in da house! Let’s get some fly bitches-
The Wolf Man beheads Edward.
Dracula: We are not scary anymore.
The mummy is smoking weed.
Mummy: Bro… I want some Doritos.
Dracula: I’m serious. We used to scare the shit out of little kids. Now they sell cheap knock-offs of us at Spencer’s.
Wolf Man: You’re right. People say I look all fake especially when you compare me to those young werewolf studs. But it hurts man. Do I tell a chick with eyeliner that makes her look like she has an eye infection that she looks fake?
Mummy: If I make a joint with my wrappings, would I get even higher than a normal joint?
Dracula: We need to do something about this.
Wolf Man: We can murder children!
Dracula: That’s good but then we’d have to let Hitler over.
Hitler is knocking on the door to Dracula’s castle.
Hitler: Hello? I brought Apples to Apples! I took out the dead Jew child cards so it’s fair this time.
Back in Dracula’s living room:
Mummy: Dude… bro… let’s pee in the holy grail.
Dracula: Shut up!
Wolf Man: Wait! I think he has something.
Dracula: This is the stupidest idea-
Wolf Man: It’s brilliant. Christians get butt hurt when you make fun of their religion.
Mummy: Yeah man! They like make their kids afraid of Harry Potter and gay people and shit. They’ll make their kids afraid of us!
Dracula: Isn’t Harry Potter gay?
Wolf Man: He married a woman.
Dracula: So do plenty of people in the closet. You think he was so broken up over Cedric because Cedric was a solid competitor?
Mummy: I always thought he gave up Cho too easily…
Wolf Man: Shut up! He’s not gay. Let’s go pee in the grail.
Medieval painting titled: Harry Potter’s Homoerotic Dream
Narrator: So what if I’ve been drinking! Ummm… welcome back to our tale… of shit and stuff… you know I was second to play Obi Won Kenobi? But that asshole Sir Alec Guinness took the part. He didn’t even like playing Kenobi! I would have appreciated it. Instead, I play crap parts… in community theatre…
Dracula: Sorry folks… Our story continues when the knights find the grail….
Josh and Lancelot stumble in, covered in blood and muck.
Lancelot: Traveling the four corners of the earth is a knight’s task. If you are too much of a squire, then you may…
Lancelot: An unknightly title.
Josh: Why not pussy or bitch?
Lancelot: And heed the words of the patriarchy! I am a feminist.
Josh: You are a dude with a broadsword and armour that is covered in blood most of the time.
Lancelot: But my heart hath a feminine side. I hath feelings.
Lancelot: I’ve adopted a puppy.
Josh: To fight along-side you?
Lancelot: Mr. HowlingFluff will never see combat.
Josh: Ok… ok…
The neatly dressed Galahad walks in with the holy grail.
Lancelot: Galahad! Mighty knight of honor and value!
Josh: You found it!
Josh: Dude, we have being questing for years, how did you find it?
Josh: Spencer’s. You mean we’ve been traveling the globe fighting bandits, evil warlords, and mythical beasts. And you fucking buy it at Spencer’s?
Galahad: Yeah bro, it’s near the pornographic greeting cards.
Lancelot: The card with the perfect man…hehe… because he’s cardboard…hoho… makes me laugh…haha… every time…haha…hehe…
Wolf Man jumps out, kills Galahad, and takes the grail! Josh and Lancelot pull out their swords.
Wolf Man: I got it!
Josh: Dude, whoa! Who are you?
Wolf Man: I am the Wolf Man.
Josh: Is that a mask? It looks fake.
Wolf Man: Hey, fuck you.
Dracula: Good! We pee in the grail now?
Lancelot: You pee in the cup of god! Have at thee!
Medieval painting titled: Best Joint Ever
Josh: Whoa! Whoa! Wait… You are here to pee in the cup?
Wolf Man: Yeah… what’s it to you?
Josh: I think I can purpose a mutually beneficial solution…
A long stick pokes the narrator awake.
Narrator: Huh? What? So that’s how Josh became known as the cheese dick Knight. Arthur never could get the taste of urine washed from his mouth so he created a round table. That way he could sit at a different part of the table each time. Lancelot and Josh went to work for Spencer’s so they could get a discount on quest items. The Wolf Man married Dracula after Wolfie got over his homophobia. And the mummy smoked himself.