15 Better Ways to Yell Drunkenly From Your Balcony

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

While I was walking down the street today at roughly 11 am, a drunk man wielding a beer beer bottle yelled at me from his apartment. Aside the from the severe case of alcoholism implied with an 11 am binge, the man had some serious issues. And by serious, I mean failed to articulate anything to me besides, “Hey… Hey… Hey… Guy… Guy… Guy… Hey… Hey…” Communication is a gift that many squander so I think it’s my duty to provide help with this issue. So I now present to you 15 Better Ways to Yell Drunkenly From Your Balcony.

1. “Hey… Hey… Guy… Guy… I have a method for you to make money from your own home. Guy… Hey… Hey… It’s only two hours of work a week. Hey… Guy… HAHA made you look! I don’t have any money making ideas. I’m just yelling drunkenly.”

2. “Hey… Guy… I just saved money on my car insurance… It’s a shame they took my license away for drinking so much.”

3. “Did you know that sea levels are expected to rise by 18 feet due to global warming? Do you think that my pee will affect it? I really got to pee!”

4. “Who do you think would win in a bar fight? Chuck Norris or Jackie Chan? Chuck can end anyone with one fist but Jackie kicks ass with props. There are a ton of props inside a bar. I can be a Drunken Master…”

5. “Speaking of a bar fight… Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. A guy named Mitt is probably a marine that eats people for breakfast. Obama sounds like some ancient fighting style. Dude… I think I’m going to puke.”

6.”If I puke from a balcony, will it dent the sidewalk? I heard if you drop a penny from way high, it will cause black holes and end the world. Or is that the Large Hadron Collider?”

7. “Hey… Guy… I’m feeling very venerable right now. Will you hold me? Not like gay hold me but hold me. Comfort me. It’s a crazy world out there.”

8. “What the fuck, bro! I wanted you to hold me!”

9. “Hey… guy…  I’m sorry bro. I often mistake other men for my father. Dude, seriously bro, I only drink to numb the pain.”

10. “Dude… Guy… Do you think I can be a cage fighter? I can totally kick… people’s… I’m dizzy.”

11. “Guy… I don’t even know you but I already feel like you’re my best friend. Look at all the stuff we have in common. I’m on a balcony and you’re on the street.”

12. “Don’t you fuck with my friend. He’s walking on my sidewalk! THAT’S MY SIDEWALK!”

13. “Sorry guy, that Prius was looking at you funny. I can kick the ass of any car that goes down this street.”

14. “Hey… guy… you want to come up for a bit and drink some beers while I cry about where my life went wrong?”

15. “Fuck you guy! Just keep walking! You are not the only pedestrian who walks down my block!”

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Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre Free Ebook

Posted on May 16, 2012 by

I’d like to announce the official release of my third collection of humor essays: Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre. As a special treat for those of you that have been following Ideas That Won’t Change The World, I am giving the Ebook version away for free for the next five days (the free offer ends Sunday 20th, 2012). That’s right, completely free. Invite your friends to get their free copy and chat about the book via this Facebook event!

Q: But wait, how much will this free book cost?

A: It’s free.

Q: As long as I watch a timeshare video?

A: Nope, what part of free do you not comprehend?

Q: I have to sign my kidney away to you when I die?

A: No, there is really nothing you have to do. Just download the book.

Q: Can I give you my kidney anyway?

A: I don’t  know what I’d do with it.

Q: You never know, you might meet an evil deity that requires kidneys to appease them!

A: Just download the book.

Q: How?

A: Click on the image below:

Click here for your free copy!

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Gay Marriage Versus Dinosaur Farts

Posted on May 9, 2012 by

People seem to have the wrong focus in our country. Some news stories make headlines while the more important ones go overlooked. Who really cares about the president supporting gay marriage when important issues like dinosaur flatulence are being hotly debated by scientists. Sure, North Carolina has decided to waive their ass at civil rights and make second class citizens out of LGBT’s by amending their constitution against gay marriage, but what’s more important? The ass of a dinosaur or the ass of North Carolina?

The answer is obvious, dinosaurs! They can crush cars, eat scientists, and even make cups of water ripple. North Carolina can’t do any of that! So what if a couple has lived in a faithful committed relationship can’t get a tax break because they are the same sex? Dinosaurs could destroy the planet!

Three story fart factories

If you think I am kidding, scientists basically theorize the global temperature was warmer during Dino times because of their farts. That’s pretty scary considering what a dinosaur would do if unleashed on the unwitting populace. You think not being able to have decision power if your same sex partner goes to the hospital is bad? Try an army of farting T-Rexs!

We really should be mailing our senators to warn them about Dino flatulence rather than worrying about what people do to show their love for each other. If farts can cause havoc, imagine what Dino poop would cause! Cities would be decimated if your pet raptor got into the trash and ate all your left over chili cheese dogs! The poopocalypse is way more troublesome than married gay couples trying to turn everyone else gay (because that’s what would happen, trust me on this, I have lots of experience in baseless claims). Compare these two scenarios:

Scenario 1:

The doorbell rings. A clean cut man answers. There is a GayHovah’s Witness couple at the door.

GayHovah’s Witness: Have you ever thought of the power of gay?

GayHovah’s Witness 2: I dance!

Man: No thanks, my wife and I are atheists.

GayHovah’s Witness: The good Gaylord, the owner of Pink Pumpers 80′s Club on 4th, loves everyone! And wants to save you.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance!

Man: No seriously…

GayHovah’s Witness: Can we at least leave literature at the door?

Man (reading): Why everyone is gay and doesn’t know it? Hey! I look good in purple. That doesn’t make me gay.

GayHovah’s Witness: See honey, everyone is gay.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance! Dance! Come Dance!

Man: Oh.. but… fine!

He dances with them. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses come to the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Looks like those gays got to him first. We better start bugging people at bus stops.

Scenario 2:

A man walking his Diplodocus stands next to a couple of stories high pile of shit. A police officer approaches.

Man: Mr. Pique. What did you do?

Police Officer: You going to clean that up or will I have to cite you?

Man: I didn’t bring any bags.

A woman climbs out of the pile. She gasps for breath.

Woman: There is an elementary school in there! You need to save them.

The police officer’s radio crackles.

Radio: We have a 212 in progress.

Police Officer: I’m on it.

Woman: Where are you going? What about the children?

Police Officer: 212 is code for gay marriage in progress.

Woman: Oh no.. You better go…

Police officer dashes away.

Man: I am certainly glad he is stopping those gays.

Woman: I know. We wouldn’t want our children to learn any warped morals likes it’s OK to love.

Man: Say, you want to get married?

Woman: Only if you beat me and get divorced in 3 years after we have two kids!

Man: Deal. So here is some Dino lessons. Never feed them after midnight. They may shit on your house during the night…

They walk away. A kid climbs from the poo gasping for breath.

Kid: Jerks.

We need to get issues like dinosaur farts in the open. Mainly because you don’t want to be in a room with a dinosaur when it farts.

Posted in Politics, Science | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Jim Bob’s Methods for a Better Healthier You

Posted on May 3, 2012 by

Hi, I’m Jim Bob and I got some more health tips for you. Fit and healthy lifestyles can be achieved by anyone. I’m sure health experts have a shit ton of advice. I have more shit tons of advice. And who do you trust? A scientist that has been studying their whole life? Locked up in some basement? That don’t sound healthy to me.

You can trust me, Jim Bob, cause I can sound authoritative and shit on the Internet. Those scientists like working and they make you do all this work too. They tell you to do all this exercise crap and we all know that you can get really trim playing World of Warcraft 24 hours a day. Have you ever seen a World of Warcraft barbarian that wasn’t totally buff? So that’s why you are going to buy my program called Jim Bob’s Method for a Better Healthier You. It costs $3,000 but that’s way better than dieing. And you sure as fuck will die. Life is 100% fatal. Any scientists will tell you that. So buy my program. Here are some tips you’ll get:

1. Stop taking Meth. Trust me. You are way healthier without Meth. A lot of people ask me, “Jim Bob, won’t Meth help me lose weight?” And I’ll be, “In the short term yeah, but you lose all your teeth. And you need those to block stools in bar fights. Trust me, I’m an expert.” There are way better ways for short term weight loss. They put this chemical in mouthwash that makes you vomit (My AA buddies and I figured that one out on our own). So just chug mouthwash after you eat an entire chocolate cake. You get all the cake taste, none of the calories, and minty fresh breath.

2. Drink lots and lots of beer. Alcohol is what they use to kill bacteria. Bacteria is what makes you sick. Drinking beer is like blasting the bacteria with a death ray. You’ll feel great after you drink it. But don’t let your boss find out. That’s why I had to go to AA in the first place. Before I was making millions giving health advice, I operated this giant saw in a factory. We all know that operating a giant saw with a cold is unsafe so I needed to kill it with beer. If my boss still wanted his arm, he should have asked before taking away my beer. It’s his dumb ass that got in front of that saw. Besides, I needed something to wash down the whiskey.

3. Throw shit at your family. When Bobby Joe is running through the house, I usually throw a bottle at him. Or when Jannie is crying up a storm during the game because she needs to be changed, I throw a pizza at her. You work your throwin’ muscles and you don’t need to leave the couch. It also doubles as quality time with your kids, sometimes Bobby Joe catches the beer bottle so it’s like I’m playing catch. But mostly, the bottles just clunk upside his head.

4. Pay attention to the food you eat. For example, if you see a piece of shit in your fast food burger. Take a picture. Then take another picture of you with Hemorrhagic E Coli (If the burger with shit don’t give it to you, then swim in cow manure until you get it or eat broccoli. That stuff is loaded with vitamin C which stands for Coli). With the pictures, you are sure to win all sorts of money from a lawsuit. With all that money, you’ll be the healthiest person on the planet. Money buys anything. Trust me, I was in Thailand… ANYTHING!

Be sure to give that money to me and I’ll share the rest of the health tips with you. For example, smoking helps get rid of unwanted body tissue. A machine can do what lungs and vocal chords can do so why carry all that extra weight? You’ll also learn why steak is better than chicken, and why fried chicken is better than steak. I’ll also throw in my phone number if you are hot. So buy my program and you’ll be like me. Except I’m rich.

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The Robot Sexocalypse

Posted on April 25, 2012 by

For the three people that are regular readers of Ideas That Won’t Change the World, I’ve been predicting the robocalypse for a long time. In all my unjustified fear and ignorance of something new and ingenious, I never thought about the sexocalypse. Innovators of robotic technology are now seeking for ways to replace the “world’s oldest profession” with robots. And by “world’s oldest profession”, I naturally mean the village idiot.

Caveman One: I’ll give you three rocks if you swallow an electric eel.

Caveman Two: Three rocks! That’s three months salary! Obligatory dialogue!

Cavevillage Idiot: Four rocks! And I’ll also swallow a cobra!

Caveman One: Done!

Cavevillage Idiot: Haha! Suckers.

Unfortunately, the robotic village idiot was run over by a semi after waving it’s bum at traffic. So we now turn to robotics to fill the needs of the “world’s second oldest profession” — prostitution. Yes, the sex industry is seeking to improve the sex doll.

Roboc Penis... You sure missed out.

She turns her head slowly to gaze at you when you aren't paying attention. You blink. She's another step closer. Is that a knife? Or are you imaging things?

The improved sex doll may actually be an idea that will indeed change the world. Once you get past the notion that the dolls looks like a creature that will decapitate you in your sleep, they will benefit society.  According to the article I read, “sex with a robot won’t sound nearly as weird or creepy by 2050 as it does today.”

Thank god for that! In another forty years, we’ll have creepy robot doll sex parties! Just when I am getting to the age of retirement too! Instead of resigning to my fate of being a pervy old man that writes formal complaints about always being assigned a male nurse, I can be a real pervy old man with robot sex dolls!

All joking aside, I actually think the robot sex doll is a good idea. While I don’t think I’d partake in robot sex, I think that many people would — especially if they looked at little less like a Doctor Who villain and more like a person that you’d actually want to have sex with. I’d imagine that the device would cut down the spread of disease, sex slavery, and other such ills of the prostitution world.  If people want to have a robot sexocalypse, I say have at it.

The only problem with the prostitute droids is installing an A.I. interface. The interface will bring up all sorts of questions like: Do A.I.’s have consciousness? Do they deserve all the same rights and privileges of every human being? If you made a sex doll that talks for hours about it’s idea for a science fiction novel with no interest in two-way conversation, would people want to have sex with it?

Before we start violating the rights of sentient A.I. beings, just remember they can wield bigger guns — as well as bigger breasts. So when a large breasted woman holding a bazooka with one hand tells you no, she means it. Furthermore, when any woman tells you no, she means that too. A one night stand with your hand in the bathroom is better than a lifetime in prison with a companion named The Ape.

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Great Conspiracies

Posted on April 18, 2012 by

Since I am a purveyor of fine truths since 2010, I want to shed light on some of the more notorious cover-ups in history.

What happened: In 2004, George Bush won the election against John Kerry after a voter recount.

What Really Happened: Toucan Sam really won the election. What we don’t know is that breakfast cereal icons rule the country with Stalinesque tactics. Toucan Sam put razor blades in Cap’n Crunch’s cereal thus leading to the myth of the Cap’s cereal cutting your mouth.

What Happened: The Mayan calender ends in December 2012 inspiring apocalypse theories everywhere.

What Really Happened: After chewing on some coco leaves, two Mayans had a conversation that went like this:

Mayan One: Bro, bro… Wouldn’t it be funny if we just ended the calender?

Mayan Two: Huh?

Mayan One: Hear me out bro. We can just totally stop the calender and people will be like, oh shit man… there’s like, no calender, man! Now there’s no time, bro!

Mayan Two: You are so high.

Mayan One: Seriously, bro! They’d like freak out because without time, they wouldn’t know when to go to their doctor’s appointments!

Mayan Two: You should see a doctor.

Mayan One: Dude, you watch me. I’m going to end the calender. People will totally wig! It will be the biggest prank ever! A prank thousands of years in the making!

Mayan One exits in a huff.

Mayan Two: You won’t be alive to see it.

What Happened: Kennedy was shot by a guy on the grassy knoll.

What Really Happened: It was actually Lee Harvey Oswald that shot him. Except he was on the grassy knoll and the book depository. Lee has a twin brother that looks like this:

Scary Face

Ready to assassin.

Doesn’t this guy totally look like he is ready to kill Kennedy? If any person is going to go crazy shooting up the place, it’s this guy. That mad grin expresses the joy he must get from killing people. If some one is going to be a president killer, it’s this guy right here. I bet if we scroll down, we’d totally see he is way happy because he has these assassin weapons locked and loaded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . .

. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Um. . .

 

What Happened: Terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001 with commercial airplanes.

What Really Happened: Despite the slew of witnesses in the most populated city in the world, it was really the aliens from Independence Day. They are actually a race that often flies giant ships over every strategic city in the world and charge a giant beacon that looks like a city wide firestorm. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith happened to be in New York that day and kicked ET’s ass.

They realized later that the aliens were peaceful and the beacon was charging not a weapon of mass destruction but a giant Lite Brite. They were only trying to say, “We like kitties” and create a picture with a misshaped cat. Will and Jeff were pretty embarrassed so they covered up the mistake with Will Smith’s memory erasing device from the Men in Black films. Like any great conspiracies, the one with the most complicated an convoluted set of the circumstances is the easiest one to believe.

ZAP!

Will Smith just told me to redecorate my house! Now what was I writing?

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Poop Thousand Twelve

Posted on April 5, 2012 by

The greatest invention of our time is now available: The Poop to Electricity Machine. That’s right! This is not an April Fool’s prank. This is a real — if stinky — deal! I can’t wait for the next step when we can just shit directly into our gas tank. Imagine stop free road trips as refueling is a simple matter of pooping in the gas tank.

The next time you are on a road trip don’t be afraid to stop at Taco Bell. Fill up on those 5,000 layer burritos. They will be useful later on when the tank is close to empty. We really haven’t had an invention this wonderful since the port-a-potty. Imagine large events without port-a-potties.

Shakespearean Actor: We have a great show for you tonight! How are the groundlings doing?

Groundling: Everybody is shitting on us.

I really think the next step is to create a urine to windshield wiper fluid converter. It sure beats trying to do it yourself while going 75 miles an hour. At the very least, it will stop the truckers from honking at me.

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