Apple a Day Keeps the Hell Hound At Bay

My fiancé and I were talking about an apple. (We live exciting lives, you should see us talk about our pets, or better yet make up lyrics about our pets). She only ate the top half of the apple. When my eyes inquired about the bottom half, she said, “That was the apple I took home from work. That part is bruised.”

To which I replied, “Have you been abusing your apple again?”

She mimed smacking the apple and said, “Go make me a pie.”

I realized that telling an apple to make you a pie is really sadistic. I had a visual image of an apple cutting a slice out of itself for apple pie. Which of course is another idea that will not change the world: Apples that make pies out of themselves. In order to cut pieces out of themselves they would have to be pretty tough, hard core apples. I’m picturing the cage fighter that looses a limb and keeps going. Although that probably wouldn’t work because they would spit at you and say, “Make your own damn pie.”

They would have to be the fruit equivalent of lemmings. Ready to jump into the pie. Merely raising the apples won’t be enough. We need to worry about the well being of the apples. They will be trapped in a fruit basket all day. We’ll need to create free range apple farms, were the apples can run and play with each other. A sort of appalooza if you will… This post has been truncated by the council for safe punning. Remember kids, in the event of a pun or total nuclear annihilation, duck and cover! We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

…and that’s why I will start my own apple petting zoo.

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

One thought on “Apple a Day Keeps the Hell Hound At Bay

  1. It seems to me like this is a task for the Fruit Border Patrol, ensuring a high quality of life for all fruit everywhere.

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