I caught up with this season’s latest in teen drama, Caprica on hulu. What’s better than a fifteen year old girl searching for her place in the world? A fifteen year old robot girl searching for her place in the world. The life of a robo-teen isn’t all prom dates and cliques, especially one that can tear the arms off her date. Life of a robo-teen is hard. Not to worry all you robot and teenagers out there, some random idiot on the Internet has all the answers. I present to you the teenage robot survival guide!
The first thing to remember about being a robot, is that you are different, and there is no problem with being different. Some teens eat food and you plug into a charge station, but don’t eat food to try and fit in. Leak a little coolant into your classmate’s lunch. Watch the fun as your human peers eject pizza squares from their edible substance ports all over the cafeteria. You will see that eating is something you really don’t need in the first place.
Being a robot built for war will give you serious advantages in dating. You might feel like who would date a killer robot? Humans are fragile fleshy bits, who won’t be able to resist your charm and automatic rifle built into your arm. Your parents will never really worry about who you date. Take Hank for instance, he has a motorcycle, perfectly slicked hair, and may even conceals a switchblade. You have heavy infantry plating, a chain gun, and surface to air tactical nuclear weapons. Hank’s father will probably ask you to bring him home by midnight.
Your super processing speed will ace any test. Can’t bring a calculator to the test? You are the calculator. Who signed the Treaty at Versailles? That’s why you have wifi. You will be the valedictorian of your high school, college, and any educational institution when you have access to the collective human race knowledge at your finger tips, (as long as there is someone fact checking the wiki). Why bother with puny human titles at all! They should work for you! After all you are a supreme robot overlord with more fire power than god. Ignore the fact that humans enslaved by robots is a rather silly notion. Humans can’t work as long hours, they die in harsh environments, and a fusion based battery technology seems a little more energy efficient than a human. On second thought, maybe better to get all the woes of being a robot teenager out in the form of poetry.
My robot eyes Feel painful hurt When you look at me Your football hands Can touch my chassis But touch hers instead I will incinerate her