The Academy Awards isn’t an easy task for television. Dressing Ben Stiller as a reject from the Blue Man Group takes hours of time. Until now what goes on backstage at the academy awards are closely held secrets. Using my powers of investigative journalism (conjecturing in a room by myself), I will now reveal this closely guarded technology.
1. Ever wonder why Barbra Streisand not only has the same haircut and has never really changed her look in years? She is frozen in cryogenics until they need her to make a public appearance. After the Oscar’s last night, back in the tube she goes.
2. Why did Jeff Bridges look like a general from the civil war? Because he was a general from the Civil War. One of the best kept secrets of Hollywood is the time machine for executives. The appropriate question is not where Renee Zellweger came from but when.
3. George Clooney look irritated all night, not because of his nomination but for two reasons. The first and most obvious, is his lack of nomination for Batman & Robin (He’s still bitter about that. Those jerks don’t recognize genius). He is also a clone with a very small half life. He was about to expire and turn into goo. How else is he able to star in so many movies?
4. Sandra Bullock claims that she finally wore them down enough until they gave her an award. Was is the fact she has been in a plethora of movies or did she slip about a mind control device. I LOVE SANDRA BULLOCK. I WILL JOIN HER FAN CLUB. What was I saying?
5. Ever wonder what the Oscar is made out of? Why are they so heavy? Are they solid gold? Nope, they are “missing” actors, like Russell Crowe, shrunk and frozen for the amusement of working actors. My sources tell me George Clooney likes to clap while Russell jumps out of a pie doing a jig. Much like the wacky antics of Lord Minimus, a hero of days gone bye.