The Internet is nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this year. While I wish I made this up, because of the inherent comic nature of such an idea, the truth is sometimes funnier than the comic. If the Internet wins the Nobel Peace Prize, who will get the prize? The telecoms industry, Apple, Al Gore? Presumably, the 1.4 million dollar prize could be split up among every website on the internet (.000000000000000000001 cent here I come! Wooh!). However, the less peaceful websites would receive the money too. What are some of these less peaceful websites? I’m glad I asked! Here are a few that shouldn’t get peace money:
1. Earn your online drive by diploma from University of The Phoenix Killa’s. Take online classes in window tinting, finding arms dealers, and bullet-house penetration. Learn where to aim, how fast to drive, and how to maximize each clip from your Uzi. University of The Phoenix Killa’s also offers certificates in Playa, Bling, and Drug running. We also work with local gangs to ensure that all our graduates have access to job placement. Don’t tell the cops, we will cut you.
2. The KKK website. Their website proclaims that they are trying to spread “love not hate.” Maybe we misjudged them, and these so called lynch mobs were “love” mobs. Or burning crosses on people’s lawns is a friendly “howdy” to the neighbors, like baking an apple pie. These people can’t even afford real uniforms. They have to use bedsheets. Maybe to “spread the love” we can start clothing drives and do charity work for them. I can picture the commercial now.
Famous Middle Aged Actress: Many white supremacist separatist villages lack the essentials they need to survive. For only thirty cents a day, you can provide these villages with clean drinking water and health care. Many white supremacists drink impure distillery water (moonshine) deteriorating their naturally poor genetics (inbreeding). White supremacist children often lack sufficient education (ie any at all), as the teacher is Old Teddy Boy, Southern Civil War veteran who mainly babbles incoherently about the “go’ ol’ days.” Please help these disadvantaged people. Your thirty cents will double their salary.
3. Any website offering the secret to money making. They usually begin with a story about how Ed wanted to quit his job so he bought a gun. His friend Terrence (after visiting Ed a few weeks later in prison), got very rich because he discovered “Buzz Word.” Usually “Buzz Word” sounds like a new hip economic trend, like micro licensing, market cash sharing, and flux caparisoning, when in reality Terrence made up the word while sitting on the john. Meanwhile Terrence will give, you the visitor, the secret for only $29.95. What’s a life time of wealth, good looking pool buddies, a short body guard name Tree, and a large body guard named Tiny (they also preform vintage comedy routines on request) compared to a mere thirty dollars? However what Terrence didn’t disclose is the scheme is for him to get rich and nobody else. As for Ed, he really only brought the gun to make sure the boss would listen.
4. Carrot Top’s invent your own comedy prop contest. Really? REALLY? REALLY?!?!!? No need to fight the war on terror, they already won.
Since every website on the internet couldn’t possibly be helping peace as much as say, Coke Rewards, the only option is to give the prize to the consciousness that will emerge from the Internet. If all the users of the Internet were neurons, then the Internet will eventually be a hyper intelligent construct. Basically, if each person on the Internet functioned like a cell in the Internet’s Brain, then I would be a damaged one. More importantly, the Internet would be a conscious being and could probably use the money. Right now, the Internet is kind of a mooch, sleeping on the couch in our office, eating our food, but does it pay rent? No, we pay for it to come to our house. The Internet needs to get out on it’s own. Go through a self discovery process; Figure out what it wants to do. As long as it doesn’t start hanging out with Skynet, I’m pretty sure the Internet will grow up to be a well adjusted being. If it does hang with Skynet, duck.
Time Burrito 