Grilled To Your Satisfaction

From my book Free Advice: Just Add Money: (Now with better editing!)

I recently bought a grill for my father. He loves the grill for its ease of use, light the gas then start grilling. Before the gas powered grill, every Sunday my father bought enough lighter fluid to burn down a small country and used it to coat a tiny pile of charcoal. My family had to hide in an underground bunker while my father lit the charcoal. After explaining to the Air Force that the “napalm attack” on our residence was my father lighting the charcoal, we sat down to enjoy nice home grilled burgers. Of course, it became too expensive to feed the fire department, and Air Force. We decided to buy a gas grill. In 1812, if the British owned gas powered grills, they would have never burnt Washington D.C. during their victory celebration.

British Soldier: Sir, I think we have a problem.

British Officer: Yes I know, all they have is this “BBQ” sauce. I am sure the crown will send us a fresh shipment of Worchester sauce.

British Soldier: Worse, look.

Washington D.C. is burning.

British Officer: Stupid charcoal grills.

With our new grill, we can enjoy a family meal without breaking any fire laws. During our family meals, my dad would always give me advice about the importance of college so I won’t be flipping burgers the rest of my life. Yet on weekends we always flipped burgers. Of course, I have a degree in theatre so I will have no choice but to flip burgers. Update: I have a Masters Degree in Theatre now, though the statement above still applies. This piece of advice is very valid because without a degree you will be so sick of burgers that once the weekend rolls around you will not want to flip burgers.

However what if the youth today did not want to be doctors but wanted to flip burgers? College education can still play a vital role in the burger career choice. In effort to give accurate advice, I did some research. I called a few universities to find out what burger-flipping curriculum they offered. They usually hung up on me or referred me to the theatre department. Since most people wouldn’t want to go through all those theatre classes to be a professional burger flipper, I decided that once I can raise enough funds (through careful placements of mints in restaurants), I can start my own burger flipping school.

In the school, we will teach all sorts of interesting material about not only flipping burgers but about the business as well. For those who want a life long career in the field, we will teach you how to keep your zits for the rest of your life. We will also teach how to let your voice crack when you say, “would you like fries with that?” My school will also provide night classes to fit the schedule of people who need to get mugged at midnight on the shady end of town when they leave from work. I think I will call it the University of Albuquerque so I can locate it in Phoenix.

We will also reveal the big secret to burger flipping that is used by fast food chains around the world. Since I trust all of you to keep it a secret, I will tell you it for the first time in print. Before I tell it to you, I must stress that this is a secret kept for generations of burger flippers dating back to a Neanderthal named Granorak. He invented the McMammoth. Trust me, not telling anyone the secret will help you later on in life. For instance you can use this secret when you apply for a job at a burger-flipping joint:

Manager: To begin this interview, I must first ask you one question. What is the secret for flipping burgers?

You: There isn’t one.

Manager: Your hired.

The secret to flipping burgers is: not to actually flip burgers. It is that simple! Ever wonder why you at home with your Char-Broil grill do not get paid to flip burgers while corporate fast food chains get paid millions to do it? You can microwave them, steam them, boil them; use a flamethrower, and even flame broil them (a combination of all of the above), just so long as you do not actually flip them! Please take this information to the heart for I fear for my own safety. With that I have go, I think I hear the McPolice coming.