Manly Paint Jobs

One of the distinguishing features of our relationship with my fiancé is my lack of domestication. I am able to preform basic functions such as use the toilet, close doors (sometimes), and dress myself (the last one is questionable). Other duties, such as painting the house, come from a mystical realm of wonderment and awe. When we decided to paint our living room, I envisioned a paint can, a brush, playfully slapping paint on my fiancé, passionate kissing… The reality was a shopping cart full of things I didn’t know even existed, taping everything short of the cat, hours of work, playfully twitching my nose, and a suggestion to leave the smelly house while it dries.

Most of the actual brush to wall work was done by Felicia, my fiancé. Anything in the category of “crafts” is usually mangled by me. For example, we bought a DVD shelf that came in a box. Time for my manliness to shine! I will construct a shelf that can be assembled by a second grader. CRACK! A screw though the wood and a gash in the shelf. Another project, reassemble a table from my grandmother. Called the neighbors on that one. When we were deciding on colors, my fiancé had to cover up the paint sample I put in the wall. Somehow I managed to mess up paint we were planning to paint over anyway! Needless to say, my painting day duties were centered on providing lunch, buying supplies, and making sure the pets did not step in the paint.

The color on our wall is called Arizona Sunset. Felicia jokingly exclaimed, “We should paint a real sunset on the wall.” Lacking sophistication in the humor arts, I thought she was being serious (if she said “Let’s paint poop on the wall!” I would have got the joke). Sensing my hesitation, she laughed at my folly and explained her jest.

Because of my deficit of anything manly with paint, all my man points will come in the form of manly painting ideas. A sunset can be really manly. Simply place a cowboy riding into the sunset. Bonus if there is a buxom woman on the horse. Any number of manly objects can be brushed on the walls: swords, motorcycles, and chainsaws. Your partner will be ready to sleep with you after they see the fighter jet in the living room decor (after the paint thinner of course). For the really hyper masculine schemes, make a mural of the every Manowar album cover. The manliest of manly paintings, however, was one from real life. My friends bought a house with a mariachi band mural on the back wall. Painting is one of those acts that really personalizes a house. For my friends, the Viet Cong greeted them every morning. They changed the guitars into machine guns and sombreros into Nón lá. Thus proving once again that men shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near paint.

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