25 Ways Not to Avoid a Traffic Violation

From the Bunny Droppings files:

1. “I was only going that fast because the next liquor store is fifty miles away and I’m starting to sober up.”

2. Point and scream, “What the hell is that?” Then speed away.

3. Laugh at the cop because he looks like a balding version of the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Explain the uncanny resemblance while barely containing your laughter.

4. Put on an accent and say “In my country school zone means Free Range Chicken.” Then offer the cop half.

5. You thought fines doubled for speed was really a double or nothing bet.

6. Females: Pee in your pants and say your water broke.

7. Males: Pee in your pants and say your water broke.

8. With wild eyes notify the officer, “Tony Danza will be very angry when he hears about this.” Then remain silent no matter what.

9. You were merely auditioning for COPS.

10. Insist the cop give himself a ticket for speeding to catch you.

11. After running a stop sign, claim that you are blind and don’t have your seeing eye dog.

12. Offer the cop half of your weed if he tears up that ticket for driving thirty-five miles under the posted speed limit.

13. Angrily state, “Trees should really learn how to drive or stay off the damn road.”

14. After causing a fifteen car pile up: look at the cop, shrug, and queue a cartoon wa wa wa music.

15. Tell the police you are really doing some soul searching. Try to discuss your feelings.

16. Enlighten the officer. After all, you are the cult leader and you are late for ritual suicide.

17. For a simple taillight out, demand your lawyer should be present because of the contraband hidden in your car.

18. Inform the police you were simply performing an experiment in redshift.

19. Offer your first born as a token of good will and peace for humanity.

20. Speed up. The state line is only seventy miles away.

21. Ask the cop, “Purely hypothetically, what would you do if you found a body in my trunk?”

22. Offer yourself sexually to the cop. Then laugh and tell him you have herpes.

23. Declare a natural twenty for your athletics check. Ask the cop to roll his saving throw.

24. Exclaim, “That piece of shit Furengi must of sold me a bunk Romulan cloaking device!”

25. Convey to the cop, it’s not vehicular homicide when it’s Carrot Top.

Economically Volatile

As a playwright you hope for a “magical moment” where the stars are aligned, fate takes control, and your play is featured as the headline on every newspaper because of a moose smuggling scandal. Sadly my play, Economically Viable, on the Rodey stage in the upcoming Words Afire festival at UNM, has no such scandal. A brilliant cast, director, and crew means there will be no disgrace for me. A playwright wants a good embarrassment because a scandal is like a train wreck, something you have to see for yourself.

If only the cast members were caught taking the actor’s equivalent of steroids (usually ginkgo biloba) instead of using their natural talents and hard work. Or if my acclaimed director, Kevin R. Elder, smuggled illegal Australian workers to build the set, instead of having a really cool set designer. Maybe my immaculate attention to detail stage manager, Matthew Lee, could be caught as the leader of a cult after lacing the Kool-Aide with Keva Juice Emergen-C mistakenly packaged in a box of Rat Poison. Or better yet, church groups could protest my show when they discover a contemporary comedy about a man deciding to take up bounty hunting, is really filled with Satanic messages directed towards their CHILDREN!! (However due to a typo, the messages turned out to be Stanic messages and created awkward moments like this:)

Teacher: Now we are going to tell each other about our heroes! Timmy, you go first.

Timmy: Stan is my hero! He told me to bury my sister’s dolls up to their necks in the backyard.

Teacher: That’s a lame hero Timmy. F.

Timmy runs away crying.

Senator: Now I know why kids are doing poorly in school. It’s those “arts.” We better cut funding.

Yes, woe are the days where a playwright has a funny show, with a stellar cast, and a fantastic crew with little to no controversy. If the year was only 1952 instead of 2010… At least in 1952 if I took a comical look into couple going through a divorce spawned from economic pressure, I would be arrested and tried by McCarthy as a communist. Instead I have a supportive theatre department faculty and program helping me with the crowning achievement of my time as an MFA student. Thanks a whole lot! I could be on Hollywood’s blacklist right now! Maybe even rotting in a federal prison for pursuing things like “art.” How else will people come see the play? Simply directing them to the Words Afire Website for show times may not be enough. I should start hiring illegal Australian workers now.

Inter-galactic Phone Call

In a recent article, SETI has a very important question to answer. What should we say to an advanced alien civilization? Our own communications industry thinks about “what to say” to people everyday and I think SETI could use a few pointers. Customer Service satisfied customers since the invention of the telephone so why not use some of the age old “service wisdom” gleaned from call centers across the world. Here are a few ways that aliens can benefit from customer service:

1. Recommend that the aliens switch to a Extended Earth Plus calling plan. Per minute charges for inter-galactic calls can really add up. Before they bankrupt their entire civilization from their daughters chatting  to their Earth friends, they can enjoy the benefit of unlimited Earth calling. If they don’t call Earth that much, explain about all the joy they will receive from calling Earth, like psychic hot-lines, information, and even prank calling random names from the phone book that sound like celebrities, for example S. Jackson or O. Osbourne.

2. After the aliens call, attempting to widen their knowledge of Earth culture, transfer them for a quick chat about a new life insurance benefit or credit protection. The extra terrestrials  will probably be irritated when they call to ask a simple question and we try to sell them crap they don’t need. But they will be thankful they have that credit protection when their home planet is destroyed by a interstellar planet engulfing space entity.

3. Credit them a free month of service when they threaten to cancel because Earth portrays their species in a negative manner with movies like Independence Day and V (the mother ships hovering over every major city was there to roll out a new cosmetics line). Free service from a company the customers hate works wonders and keeps them for life!

4. Limit the length of each phone call to an alien civilization. Short calls means efficient business. Anyone who has called customer service knows how much fun it is to keep calling back for the same problem. Why spend thirty minutes with one person when you can spend two minutes with fifteen! Even better, five minutes of hold music between each call! What better way for an alien civilization to be introduced to Earth than through hold music? (The real reason why the War of Worlds aliens attacked, they couldn’t take a minute more of hold music).

5. Advertise during the hold music! What’s better than hold music? Smarmy guys announcing deals during the hold music! Who says aliens don’t have solid reasons to annihilate humanity?

6. Of course, the call center’s true gift to humankind should be shared with the universe. Outbound Sales. The best part is that aliens don’t know yet that buying from Outbound Sales only encourages them to call more.