25 Ways Not to Avoid a Traffic Violation

From the Bunny Droppings files:

1. “I was only going that fast because the next liquor store is fifty miles away and I’m starting to sober up.”

2. Point and scream, “What the hell is that?” Then speed away.

3. Laugh at the cop because he looks like a balding version of the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Explain the uncanny resemblance while barely containing your laughter.

4. Put on an accent and say “In my country school zone means Free Range Chicken.” Then offer the cop half.

5. You thought fines doubled for speed was really a double or nothing bet.

6. Females: Pee in your pants and say your water broke.

7. Males: Pee in your pants and say your water broke.

8. With wild eyes notify the officer, “Tony Danza will be very angry when he hears about this.” Then remain silent no matter what.

9. You were merely auditioning for COPS.

10. Insist the cop give himself a ticket for speeding to catch you.

11. After running a stop sign, claim that you are blind and don’t have your seeing eye dog.

12. Offer the cop half of your weed if he tears up that ticket for driving thirty-five miles under the posted speed limit.

13. Angrily state, “Trees should really learn how to drive or stay off the damn road.”

14. After causing a fifteen car pile up: look at the cop, shrug, and queue a cartoon wa wa wa music.

15. Tell the police you are really doing some soul searching. Try to discuss your feelings.

16. Enlighten the officer. After all, you are the cult leader and you are late for ritual suicide.

17. For a simple taillight out, demand your lawyer should be present because of the contraband hidden in your car.

18. Inform the police you were simply performing an experiment in redshift.

19. Offer your first born as a token of good will and peace for humanity.

20. Speed up. The state line is only seventy miles away.

21. Ask the cop, “Purely hypothetically, what would you do if you found a body in my trunk?”

22. Offer yourself sexually to the cop. Then laugh and tell him you have herpes.

23. Declare a natural twenty for your athletics check. Ask the cop to roll his saving throw.

24. Exclaim, “That piece of shit Furengi must of sold me a bunk Romulan cloaking device!”

25. Convey to the cop, it’s not vehicular homicide when it’s Carrot Top.

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