The Final Episode of Lost

Lost aired the final episode last night, which involved Jack corking the Island’s wine bottle. Now I’ve ruined the lives of anyone who hasn’t seen the final episode. You’re welcome.

My friends decided to have a Lost finale party, where we eat diner, then watch 2 and half hours of Lost and probably twelve hours of commercials. The Target ads were amusing and the team who made them should get a raise (tell your boss some guy on the Internet said so). The night began with a Dharma Initiative greeting, where my fiancée and I were given Lei’s and signed into our shifts. She is a Chef and I am Security. Watch out, any of you Others or Smoke Monsters attempting to sneak into our camp, this humor writer might blog about you, publicly! And that’s embarrassing! We ate a Lost themed meal, complete with Dharma Initiative labels on all the food stuff, then awaited the long anticipated final episode.

For those in the Albuquerque area, you’ll know this is where the story gets interesting. There is a stretch of forest that runs right down the middle of Albuquerque called the Bosque. Last night, around the time the final episode of Lost began, the Bosque went ablaze. Yes, the city was in danger of burning to the ground, and we did what every concerned citizen would do. “Why are  are they split screening for the news! Lost is on! They are reducing our screen size!” Half of the city could be in flames but we wanted our show. The worry did cross my mind, what if the station cuts away for a special news break? What if we miss something? What if Claire and Charlie hook up and we miss it because Albuquerque burnt to the ground!

What could have been a very tragic night turned out alright because the split screen went away. The news was reduced to a ticker at the bottom of the screen. A ticker is something easier to deal with because we didn’t have to read it. Still though, this was the final episode of Lost and we are entitled to a full screen of viewing. As a friend pointed out that night, the news ticker was telling people to evacuate their homes. OK FINE. WHATEVER. The station can keep their little news ticker if that makes them happy.

We weren’t on the side of town affected by the fire. Would we have excavated during the finale if the fire got close? I’d like to think that we would not. We are dedicated fans. Imagine a neighborhood that looks like a Roland Emmerich film and Lost fans sitting in a house on fire.

An explosion from the kitchen.

Fan One: Hey guys, a support beam just crashed through the kitchen.

Fan Two: Shhhhh… Kate and Jack are kissing!

Fan One: Oooh really!

A fireman enters.

Fireman: Grab my hand! I’ll pull you to safety!

Fan Two: Jack wants Hurley to protect the Island.

Fireman sits down, transfixed by the television. Superman flies in.

Superman: Don’t worry, I’m here to save you.

The roof collapses. Superman stops it from crushing everyone.

Fan One: Could you hold that a little longer? There isn’t much left.

Superman: But there will be a commercial break every five minutes! I can’t hold it for…

Fan One: But we are about to figure out what the flash sideways are!

Superman: Well, maybe I can hold out a little…

Superman is transfixed by the TV.

If the city needed concerned citizens to help out with the fire last night, they should have built a giant television screen. The rescue workers could watch Lost and fight the fire. I mean it’s Lost! We’ve been waiting for six years! And the fire only started last night. That fire really should know what’s important. Life threatening fire, or television event? I think it’s clear what the priorities are. If I could only have a Dharma Initiative themed beer…

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$2.50 Beer Night

Last night, my friend celebrated being fired from his job at $2.50 beer night. Since I have a deep intolerance for gluten (those gluten’s are taking our jobs, stealing our women, being all shifty like), I did not partake in $2.50 beer night. To be classy and somewhat festive, I did order water on the rocks, yep I’m that smooth… Now what exactly is a gluten intolerance? Who knows really! My health insurance is too crappy to find out. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barely, and rye (the contents of $2.50 beer night). Those with gluten issues, have digestive problems, that range from embarrassing flatulence to driving a lawn mower through your insides.  With gluten there is three levels of ick:

Level One: The Allergy

Symptoms: Ouch… ick… pain

Level Two: The Intolerance

Symptoms: Ouch…. ICKIE… PAIN

Level Three: Celiac

Symptoms: OUCH… ICKIE FUCK SHIT PAIN… I’m dying.

I don’t know which level I am at, because I never had a formal test. I am pretty sure at 2 or 3. The hypochondriac in me always wants my level to be three. He wants a lot things, very needy. I try to please him by washing my hands but then he says:

Aaron’s Hypochondriac: Did you put toilet paper on the seat cover? NO? That’s a PUBLIC TOILET! YOU’LL GET AIDS!

Me: You can’t get aids from a public toilet.

AH: Then you’ll get cancer!

Me: Cancer isn’t infectious!

AH: Didn’t you see that episode of Fringe where the guy was transferring cancer with his touch?

Me: Oh crap, I may have cancer.

AH: And aids.

Me: AND AIDS!

AH: And WHOOPING COUGH.

Me: Ok, now you are just pushing it.

All I know is that when I stopped having gluten in my diet, I went from a slew of digestive problems, to no digestive problems. Now when I have gluten or even touch the stuff, I can feel the reaction. It feels like being drunk, with my stomach about to explode, a little joint pain, followed by three days of my “exit only” not being an exit. Needless to say (but I will anyways), gluten is something I try to avoid… until I saw it… the golden calf of gluten beverages, a Guinness Float.

A Guinness FLOAT!?! Like ice cream, and Guinness! Is the world trying to kill me? Three days of pain for three minutes of bliss. Now I know what a heroin addict feels like! I wanted the beverage, more so than any beverage before:

Guinness Float: Aaron… Aaron… Come enjoy my creamy beery goodness…

Aaron: But… oh…

AH: YOU CAN’T…

PUNCH! BAFF! MUFFLE!

AH: mmmh! mh! MH!

Aaron: Go on… continue.

GF: One scoop of creamy delicious vanilla ice cream within a cold frothy Guinness.

The siren song of the Guinness Float continued on for a while. Like a fat kid staring at the mouth of the Sarlacc pit filled with a downed shipment of candy bars, I was prepared to suffer the consequences of my actions. But… dramatic pause. Will Aaron have the Float? Find out after this commerical break!

A Dancing Twinkie:

Song: Eat me! Eat me! For I am good! Eat me! Eat me! For I am good!

I abstained. Knowing what gluten does to me, I couldn’t proceed. At the end of a child’s story, when the child learns a valuable lesson about maturity, that was me. Adults need to learn to say no to food too. If adults where putting the best things for them in their bodies, then we wouldn’t have shows like Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution or The Biggest Loser.  Despite my avoiding temptation, Guinness Float kaleidoscope imagery still haunts my dreams. And I will have a gluten free beer float, oh yes, and it will be tasty and good!

Ideas That Won’t Change The World #1

1. Why do people always freak out when they untwist a soda bottle and it fizzes over? Why don’t they simply twist it back down? I’m glad surgeons don’t freak out. “Oh crap! It’s gushing everywhere! Quick! Put it over the sink!”

2. In an effort to be more green, the US should grow soldiers.

Dixon: Hi, welcome to Dixon’s Soldier Farm. Where soldier’s are as home made as apple pie.

Soldier: Jeepers, you want me to take that guy’s oil? Well boy howdy, I’ll sure take his oil. Excuse me, mister, mister. Would you be a peach and tell me where the oil is at?

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Solider: If  you want to keep the other arm, I suggest you answer differently next time. Golly Gee mister, you’re swell. Oh no mister, we aren’t looking for weapons of mass destruction. We sure got plenty of those. Well thanks, you have a good day now. And you might want to call a doctor for that wound. Could get infected.

3. Random Citizenship Paper checks. How else am I supposed to hide my illegal Swedish workers?

Alien Plots

According to Stephen Hawking, aliens may pose a threat to Earth. What are the details of this alien menace? Science Fiction has the answers. Don’t worry CIA, I’m figuring out all this stuff so you don’t have too!

1.  Wall-E and Eve. They seem cute, but Eve can incinerate a tank with a built-in  gun. Wall-E is pretty good at stitching together robots. How long before the robot armies?

2.  The pug from the Men in Black movies. Quirky, fast-mouth dogs?  Humans already feed dogs everyday, follow them around picking up their shit, etc. Dogs don’t even need to go out and find a job to supply income for the family! The enslaving of humanity is almost complete.

3. Alf. That lovable alien muppet from the eighties? How is he a threat? He eats cats! What would we do without cats? There would be no stirring number about “no cats in America” from American Tail.

4.  The cell phone towers which are designed to look like trees. Not exactly Science Fiction but an alien plot nonetheless. They look like a poorly devised scheme at mind control devices with an alien’s closest approximation of a tree. Like the aliens are sitting in a spaceship cackling at their own genius meanwhile two old men sit outside a convenient store looking at one of the towers.

Old Man One: Looks like a mind control device.

Old Man Two: Yep.

5. Mork and Mindy. Who better to coop the government than Robin Williams? He is a master of disguise! No one will suspect when the wacky Mrs. Doubtfire is hired to be the nanny of Obama’s kids! (however Mr. Williams will be thwarted when Obama’s kids teach him a lesson or two about life).

6. Wesley Crusher becomes an omnipotent being in an episode of The Next Generation. How is that not a threat to the universe?

7. The Terminator, Governor of California, I know there is a joke in there that has been done fifteen hundred times.

8. Aliens from Avatar and The Blue Man Group have striking similarities. A little too striking, if the oil spill isn’t cleaned up soon, I fear there might be a dance off.

9. Geico Lizard. Small, kind of creepy. What do we really know about this lizard anyway? Seems kind of shifty to me. Has to be up to something. Or maybe you feed him after midnight and all hell breaks loose.

10. Arguably the biggest threat the planet ever had to face, The Teletubbies. Don’t know how we survived that one.

Waxwork II: Lost in Stupid

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I watched the leatherman of bad movies. This movie is the all purpose, multi use, universal bad movie. It was bad sci-fi, horror, and comedy wrapped into one. The best part is it featured the acting talent of Bruce Campbell, Marina Sirtis, Drew Barrymore, and that guy that starred in the Gremlin films, at their not so finest roles. This flick, my friends, is Waxwork II: Lost in Time.

The story begins where the last movie left off. The Gremlins dude and his girlfriend burnt down a waxwork full of demons (one of the demons was John Rhys-Davies as a werewolf that looked like the Taco Bell dog on steroids). Little did they know a detached hand survived!

His girlfriend attempts to sneak into her apartment late, only to be met by her abusive stepfather drinking beer. Not just any beer mind you, the drink of choice for abusive stepfathers everywhere, a can simply labeled BEER. Yes, BEER brand Beer, the brand that America trusts.

The severed hand following her home, apparently doesn’t like BEER. It kills the stepfather and she kills the hand by putting it in the garbage disposal, which spewed enough blood to give a complete transfusion to an elephant. I am fairly certain severed hands don’t hold that much blood. Then again those demon hands are crafty.

Later, She is put on trial for the murder of her stepfather and decides to use the old severed hand defense. However her defense doesn’t work. In horror movie universes, the disembodied limb defense should be perfectly acceptable. Let’s see a few examples of horror movie defenses:

1. “I didn’t kill my wife, it was the severed hand!” (Where exactly is the other arm from the one armed man? Harrison Ford has to figure that out in the sequel: The Fugitive II: Lost With a Severed Hand)

2. “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is the video tape that kills people I swear.”

3. “He did warn me that it was pure concentrated evil and I shouldn’t touch it.”

4. “And that’s the last time Kane will eat cafeteria food.”

Since the lady from Waxwork II is faced with the death plenty for her crime. She and the Gremlins guy do what any natural teenager would do to prove her innocence, travel through time looking for a living severed hand. Although they weren’t really traveling through time. More like traveling through cheap knock offs of popular movies.

In one sequence, the female lead is stuck on a spaceship where Alien beings are using humans to reproduce. She stepped into some bizarro world Alien were everyone has goatees. The best part is the smaller spaceship she tries to escape on is the space shuttle! The space shuttle still in service years in the future? Not if they are sold on ebay in a couple years.

Ebay listing for the space shuttle: Why go for these new fancy spaceships when you can fly the space equivalent of the Volkswagen Beetle? After thirty years of service and the best flight to crash ratio in the world! Starting bid $2 plus $5 shipping and handling. Act today and I’ll throw in a free pencil!

The Waxwork II heroes are not only traveling through time. They are in an alternate dimension going through God and Satan’s Nintendo game. If God did have a Nintendo game, it would be better than cheap knock offs of movies like Alien, The Haunting, and Nosferatu. God probably plays Grand Theft Auto: Jerusalem Or SIM Egypt, where Satan can use his pharaoh to have the chosen people make pyramids. Realistically, if God and Satan were really playing video games to decide the battle between good and evil, the game would be Contra.

Satan and God are playing video games.

God: Let’s see up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start! Thirty lives bitch!

Satan: Don’t steal my guys when you die.

God: I don’t do that!

Satan: I’m serious dude!

Waxwork II finally ends in a cataclysmic sword fight through time with the guy from Gremlins, and the dude that played Karl in Die Hard. Fortunately, they didn’t battle through cheap knock offs of the movies they starred in. In my years as a humor writer I’ve learned that German terrorists and Gremlins don’t mix. Unfortunately, they did battle through a Godzilla knock-off. The lizard looked a little too cute to truly terrorize Tokyo. Of course, the original Godzilla looked a little too cute to really terrorize Tokyo.

Son: I brought this monster home! Can I keep him?

Dad: No son, you know what you’ll mother will think… Aw look at the guy. Well, I guess we can keep him…

Son: Hooray! Look it’s Gamera!

Gamera flies down and squishes the kid.

Dad: Thank god! That kid was kind of annoying.

Reading this article again reminded me of a song my band wrote about Hans Gruber from Die Hard, here’s the link if you fancy a listen.