From the Bunny Droppings Files:
I watched the leatherman of bad movies. This movie is the all purpose, multi use, universal bad movie. It was bad sci-fi, horror, and comedy wrapped into one. The best part is it featured the acting talent of Bruce Campbell, Marina Sirtis, Drew Barrymore, and that guy that starred in the Gremlin films, at their not so finest roles. This flick, my friends, is Waxwork II: Lost in Time.
The story begins where the last movie left off. The Gremlins dude and his girlfriend burnt down a waxwork full of demons (one of the demons was John Rhys-Davies as a werewolf that looked like the Taco Bell dog on steroids). Little did they know a detached hand survived!
His girlfriend attempts to sneak into her apartment late, only to be met by her abusive stepfather drinking beer. Not just any beer mind you, the drink of choice for abusive stepfathers everywhere, a can simply labeled BEER. Yes, BEER brand Beer, the brand that America trusts.
The severed hand following her home, apparently doesn’t like BEER. It kills the stepfather and she kills the hand by putting it in the garbage disposal, which spewed enough blood to give a complete transfusion to an elephant. I am fairly certain severed hands don’t hold that much blood. Then again those demon hands are crafty.
Later, She is put on trial for the murder of her stepfather and decides to use the old severed hand defense. However her defense doesn’t work. In horror movie universes, the disembodied limb defense should be perfectly acceptable. Let’s see a few examples of horror movie defenses:
1. “I didn’t kill my wife, it was the severed hand!” (Where exactly is the other arm from the one armed man? Harrison Ford has to figure that out in the sequel: The Fugitive II: Lost With a Severed Hand)
2. “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is the video tape that kills people I swear.”
3. “He did warn me that it was pure concentrated evil and I shouldn’t touch it.”
4. “And that’s the last time Kane will eat cafeteria food.”
Since the lady from Waxwork II is faced with the death plenty for her crime. She and the Gremlins guy do what any natural teenager would do to prove her innocence, travel through time looking for a living severed hand. Although they weren’t really traveling through time. More like traveling through cheap knock offs of popular movies.
In one sequence, the female lead is stuck on a spaceship where Alien beings are using humans to reproduce. She stepped into some bizarro world Alien were everyone has goatees. The best part is the smaller spaceship she tries to escape on is the space shuttle! The space shuttle still in service years in the future? Not if they are sold on ebay in a couple years.
Ebay listing for the space shuttle: Why go for these new fancy spaceships when you can fly the space equivalent of the Volkswagen Beetle? After thirty years of service and the best flight to crash ratio in the world! Starting bid $2 plus $5 shipping and handling. Act today and I’ll throw in a free pencil!
The Waxwork II heroes are not only traveling through time. They are in an alternate dimension going through God and Satan’s Nintendo game. If God did have a Nintendo game, it would be better than cheap knock offs of movies like Alien, The Haunting, and Nosferatu. God probably plays Grand Theft Auto: Jerusalem Or SIM Egypt, where Satan can use his pharaoh to have the chosen people make pyramids. Realistically, if God and Satan were really playing video games to decide the battle between good and evil, the game would be Contra.
Satan and God are playing video games.
God: Let’s see up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start! Thirty lives bitch!
Satan: Don’t steal my guys when you die.
God: I don’t do that!
Satan: I’m serious dude!
Waxwork II finally ends in a cataclysmic sword fight through time with the guy from Gremlins, and the dude that played Karl in Die Hard. Fortunately, they didn’t battle through cheap knock offs of the movies they starred in. In my years as a humor writer I’ve learned that German terrorists and Gremlins don’t mix. Unfortunately, they did battle through a Godzilla knock-off. The lizard looked a little too cute to truly terrorize Tokyo. Of course, the original Godzilla looked a little too cute to really terrorize Tokyo.
Son: I brought this monster home! Can I keep him?
Dad: No son, you know what you’ll mother will think… Aw look at the guy. Well, I guess we can keep him…
Son: Hooray! Look it’s Gamera!
Gamera flies down and squishes the kid.
Dad: Thank god! That kid was kind of annoying.
Reading this article again reminded me of a song my band wrote about Hans Gruber from Die Hard, here’s the link if you fancy a listen.