1. Why do people always freak out when they untwist a soda bottle and it fizzes over? Why don’t they simply twist it back down? I’m glad surgeons don’t freak out. “Oh crap! It’s gushing everywhere! Quick! Put it over the sink!”
2. In an effort to be more green, the US should grow soldiers.
Dixon: Hi, welcome to Dixon’s Soldier Farm. Where soldier’s are as home made as apple pie.
Soldier: Jeepers, you want me to take that guy’s oil? Well boy howdy, I’ll sure take his oil. Excuse me, mister, mister. Would you be a peach and tell me where the oil is at?
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Solider: If you want to keep the other arm, I suggest you answer differently next time. Golly Gee mister, you’re swell. Oh no mister, we aren’t looking for weapons of mass destruction. We sure got plenty of those. Well thanks, you have a good day now. And you might want to call a doctor for that wound. Could get infected.
3. Random Citizenship Paper checks. How else am I supposed to hide my illegal Swedish workers?
Time Burrito 
How much do the soldiers cost?
$2.50