$2.50 Beer Night

Last night, my friend celebrated being fired from his job at $2.50 beer night. Since I have a deep intolerance for gluten (those gluten’s are taking our jobs, stealing our women, being all shifty like), I did not partake in $2.50 beer night. To be classy and somewhat festive, I did order water on the rocks, yep I’m that smooth… Now what exactly is a gluten intolerance? Who knows really! My health insurance is too crappy to find out. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barely, and rye (the contents of $2.50 beer night). Those with gluten issues, have digestive problems, that range from embarrassing flatulence to driving a lawn mower through your insides.  With gluten there is three levels of ick:

Level One: The Allergy

Symptoms: Ouch… ick… pain

Level Two: The Intolerance

Symptoms: Ouch…. ICKIE… PAIN

Level Three: Celiac

Symptoms: OUCH… ICKIE FUCK SHIT PAIN… I’m dying.

I don’t know which level I am at, because I never had a formal test. I am pretty sure at 2 or 3. The hypochondriac in me always wants my level to be three. He wants a lot things, very needy. I try to please him by washing my hands but then he says:

Aaron’s Hypochondriac: Did you put toilet paper on the seat cover? NO? That’s a PUBLIC TOILET! YOU’LL GET AIDS!

Me: You can’t get aids from a public toilet.

AH: Then you’ll get cancer!

Me: Cancer isn’t infectious!

AH: Didn’t you see that episode of Fringe where the guy was transferring cancer with his touch?

Me: Oh crap, I may have cancer.

AH: And aids.



Me: Ok, now you are just pushing it.

All I know is that when I stopped having gluten in my diet, I went from a slew of digestive problems, to no digestive problems. Now when I have gluten or even touch the stuff, I can feel the reaction. It feels like being drunk, with my stomach about to explode, a little joint pain, followed by three days of my “exit only” not being an exit. Needless to say (but I will anyways), gluten is something I try to avoid… until I saw it… the golden calf of gluten beverages, a Guinness Float.

A Guinness FLOAT!?! Like ice cream, and Guinness! Is the world trying to kill me? Three days of pain for three minutes of bliss. Now I know what a heroin addict feels like! I wanted the beverage, more so than any beverage before:

Guinness Float: Aaron… Aaron… Come enjoy my creamy beery goodness…

Aaron: But… oh…



AH: mmmh! mh! MH!

Aaron: Go on… continue.

GF: One scoop of creamy delicious vanilla ice cream within a cold frothy Guinness.

The siren song of the Guinness Float continued on for a while. Like a fat kid staring at the mouth of the Sarlacc pit filled with a downed shipment of candy bars, I was prepared to suffer the consequences of my actions. But… dramatic pause. Will Aaron have the Float? Find out after this commerical break!

A Dancing Twinkie:

Song: Eat me! Eat me! For I am good! Eat me! Eat me! For I am good!

I abstained. Knowing what gluten does to me, I couldn’t proceed. At the end of a child’s story, when the child learns a valuable lesson about maturity, that was me. Adults need to learn to say no to food too. If adults where putting the best things for them in their bodies, then we wouldn’t have shows like Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution or The Biggest Loser.  Despite my avoiding temptation, Guinness Float kaleidoscope imagery still haunts my dreams. And I will have a gluten free beer float, oh yes, and it will be tasty and good!

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

3 thoughts on “$2.50 Beer Night

  1. Guinness and ice cream sounds like a disgusting combo :)- Aaron I know 3 people with Celiac’s and your symptoms probably put you at one of the lower levels.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: