Last night, my friend celebrated being fired from his job at $2.50 beer night. Since I have a deep intolerance for gluten (those gluten’s are taking our jobs, stealing our women, being all shifty like), I did not partake in $2.50 beer night. To be classy and somewhat festive, I did order water on the rocks, yep I’m that smooth… Now what exactly is a gluten intolerance? Who knows really! My health insurance is too crappy to find out. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barely, and rye (the contents of $2.50 beer night). Those with gluten issues, have digestive problems, that range from embarrassing flatulence to driving a lawn mower through your insides. With gluten there is three levels of ick:
Level One: The Allergy
Symptoms: Ouch… ick… pain
Level Two: The Intolerance
Symptoms: Ouch…. ICKIE… PAIN
Level Three: Celiac
Symptoms: OUCH… ICKIE FUCK SHIT PAIN… I’m dying.
I don’t know which level I am at, because I never had a formal test. I am pretty sure at 2 or 3. The hypochondriac in me always wants my level to be three. He wants a lot things, very needy. I try to please him by washing my hands but then he says:
Aaron’s Hypochondriac: Did you put toilet paper on the seat cover? NO? That’s a PUBLIC TOILET! YOU’LL GET AIDS!
Me: You can’t get aids from a public toilet.
AH: Then you’ll get cancer!
Me: Cancer isn’t infectious!
AH: Didn’t you see that episode of Fringe where the guy was transferring cancer with his touch?
Me: Oh crap, I may have cancer.
AH: And aids.
Me: AND AIDS!
AH: And WHOOPING COUGH.
Me: Ok, now you are just pushing it.
All I know is that when I stopped having gluten in my diet, I went from a slew of digestive problems, to no digestive problems. Now when I have gluten or even touch the stuff, I can feel the reaction. It feels like being drunk, with my stomach about to explode, a little joint pain, followed by three days of my “exit only” not being an exit. Needless to say (but I will anyways), gluten is something I try to avoid… until I saw it… the golden calf of gluten beverages, a Guinness Float.
A Guinness FLOAT!?! Like ice cream, and Guinness! Is the world trying to kill me? Three days of pain for three minutes of bliss. Now I know what a heroin addict feels like! I wanted the beverage, more so than any beverage before:
Guinness Float: Aaron… Aaron… Come enjoy my creamy beery goodness…
Aaron: But… oh…
AH: YOU CAN’T…
PUNCH! BAFF! MUFFLE!
AH: mmmh! mh! MH!
Aaron: Go on… continue.
GF: One scoop of creamy delicious vanilla ice cream within a cold frothy Guinness.
The siren song of the Guinness Float continued on for a while. Like a fat kid staring at the mouth of the Sarlacc pit filled with a downed shipment of candy bars, I was prepared to suffer the consequences of my actions. But… dramatic pause. Will Aaron have the Float? Find out after this commerical break!
A Dancing Twinkie:
Song: Eat me! Eat me! For I am good! Eat me! Eat me! For I am good!
I abstained. Knowing what gluten does to me, I couldn’t proceed. At the end of a child’s story, when the child learns a valuable lesson about maturity, that was me. Adults need to learn to say no to food too. If adults where putting the best things for them in their bodies, then we wouldn’t have shows like Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution or The Biggest Loser. Despite my avoiding temptation, Guinness Float kaleidoscope imagery still haunts my dreams. And I will have a gluten free beer float, oh yes, and it will be tasty and good!