The Final Episode of Lost

Lost aired the final episode last night, which involved Jack corking the Island’s wine bottle. Now I’ve ruined the lives of anyone who hasn’t seen the final episode. You’re welcome.

My friends decided to have a Lost finale party, where we eat diner, then watch 2 and half hours of Lost and probably twelve hours of commercials. The Target ads were amusing and the team who made them should get a raise (tell your boss some guy on the Internet said so). The night began with a Dharma Initiative greeting, where my fiancée and I were given Lei’s and signed into our shifts. She is a Chef and I am Security. Watch out, any of you Others or Smoke Monsters attempting to sneak into our camp, this humor writer might blog about you, publicly! And that’s embarrassing! We ate a Lost themed meal, complete with Dharma Initiative labels on all the food stuff, then awaited the long anticipated final episode.

For those in the Albuquerque area, you’ll know this is where the story gets interesting. There is a stretch of forest that runs right down the middle of Albuquerque called the Bosque. Last night, around the time the final episode of Lost began, the Bosque went ablaze. Yes, the city was in danger of burning to the ground, and we did what every concerned citizen would do. “Why are  are they split screening for the news! Lost is on! They are reducing our screen size!” Half of the city could be in flames but we wanted our show. The worry did cross my mind, what if the station cuts away for a special news break? What if we miss something? What if Claire and Charlie hook up and we miss it because Albuquerque burnt to the ground!

What could have been a very tragic night turned out alright because the split screen went away. The news was reduced to a ticker at the bottom of the screen. A ticker is something easier to deal with because we didn’t have to read it. Still though, this was the final episode of Lost and we are entitled to a full screen of viewing. As a friend pointed out that night, the news ticker was telling people to evacuate their homes. OK FINE. WHATEVER. The station can keep their little news ticker if that makes them happy.

We weren’t on the side of town affected by the fire. Would we have excavated during the finale if the fire got close? I’d like to think that we would not. We are dedicated fans. Imagine a neighborhood that looks like a Roland Emmerich film and Lost fans sitting in a house on fire.

An explosion from the kitchen.

Fan One: Hey guys, a support beam just crashed through the kitchen.

Fan Two: Shhhhh… Kate and Jack are kissing!

Fan One: Oooh really!

A fireman enters.

Fireman: Grab my hand! I’ll pull you to safety!

Fan Two: Jack wants Hurley to protect the Island.

Fireman sits down, transfixed by the television. Superman flies in.

Superman: Don’t worry, I’m here to save you.

The roof collapses. Superman stops it from crushing everyone.

Fan One: Could you hold that a little longer? There isn’t much left.

Superman: But there will be a commercial break every five minutes! I can’t hold it for…

Fan One: But we are about to figure out what the flash sideways are!

Superman: Well, maybe I can hold out a little…

Superman is transfixed by the TV.

If the city needed concerned citizens to help out with the fire last night, they should have built a giant television screen. The rescue workers could watch Lost and fight the fire. I mean it’s Lost! We’ve been waiting for six years! And the fire only started last night. That fire really should know what’s important. Life threatening fire, or television event? I think it’s clear what the priorities are. If I could only have a Dharma Initiative themed beer…

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