It’s The End of the World as REM Knows It: The FAQ

Q: And they feel fine. Jerks.

A: I know! As for the rest of us, the seaweed is dying. Dead seaweed may not seem particularly world ending but as your leading humor crackpot theorist, trust me the world will end. Mainly because seaweed provides oxygen and without oxygen metal doesn’t rust. Without rust, industrial towns of a forgotten age won’t deteriorate. Those towns sticking around will be a condition for an apocalypse. The only way to protect yourself from impending doom is camp outside Kevin Costner’s house because he obviously survives the end of the world.

Q: Wait! Aren’t you making incredible claims and illogical leaps, Aaron? Huh? Explain that mister!

A: Conspiracy Theory Scholarship has a proud tradition to uphold. If the end of the world was so obvious then everyone would know about it and I wouldn’t own the exclusive over priced t-shirt rights! Believe me, I want the two dollars made from selling those under designed and over priced t-shirts.

Q: But the world is ending! What would you do with the money?

A: Bribe the guard at the gate to heaven, of course! What else are those churchorporations going to do with all that money?

Q: Build a bunker under Keven Costner’s house? Besides, I’m Buddhist.

A: Buddha can be bribed too…

Q: With what?

A: Um… Cheesecake Factory gift certificates.

Q: This FAQ is over!

A: Wait! I haven’t told you how the world is going to end!

Q: Sigh, how is the world going to end?

A: Once the seaweed is dead, swimmers will no longer have their feet entangled. Therefore they will be free to swim as long as they want.

Q: Go on…

A: Meanwhile, the not rusted Industrialized Towns of a Forgotten Age, the ITFA’S, will be free for the taking because everybody is out swimming. You know who will use the ITFA’s for a diabolical scheme?

Q: Who?

A: The band Creed! They will make music videos featuring empty towns… empty like their soul, own prison, or other such non-sense.

Q: That is really silly. Creed died with the nineties.

A: They have a new album and a tour!

Q: I fail to see how this relates to the end of the world.

A: No really, they are stilling harbinging the apocalypse with their the long, hard, difficult life of the middle class music. Think about the angsty music in the world about the difficult life of a middle class Americans. They aren’t starving. Bombs aren’t regular neighborhood occurrences. Machine guns aren’t an essential household tool. They have a government that has the ability to change policies the public doesn’t like. A roofless, cockroach infested, set of walls isn’t a standard family dwelling. They have schools systems and youth organizations instead of terrorist training camps being the only place for teenagers to hang out. Yet somehow, life is really difficult! And we “share the pain” by listening to the soundtrack of hard middle class life. If angst driven music makes a comeback the world may very well end.

Q: There are a lot of angsty bands out there. I still fail to see how the world will end.

A: What if the guy in charge of pressing the button to launch one nuclear weapon is listening to Creed and get’s depressed. He might wonder “what it’s all for?” and decide to launch a missile. Russia will respond causing a global nuclear catastrophe.

Q: You are making an outlandish claim for a scenario that is probably .00001 percent of happening.

A: Conspiracy theories like to bet on the odds. Besides, how else will I be able to sell my t-shirts.

Q: Will you shut up if I buy a t-shirt.

A: Really? You’ll buy one!

Q: Yes!

Q: Ah… silence. I guess this is a FAQ that will end with a question?

Random Conversation

From the Bunny Droppings files:

Now a random conversation from when I worked in a call center:

Client: It sounds like you are eating lunch.

Me: I am.

Client: What?

Me: Crunch N’ Munch. Lunch of champions.

Client: And that’s why your not Micheal Jordon.

Me: Celebrities advertise for food they probably never eat. Paris Hilton probably never even tasted a Carl’s Junior burger.

Client: If she did eat one, you’d probably see it in her stomach.

Me: Like a snake eating a rat.

Nice Kitty. Please Don’t Maul the Stock Broker.

Attracting a big cat no longer requires flexing those guns for your best friend’s mom while you rake her lawn. Calvin Klein has a cologne scientifically proven to grab the attention of that special cougar. Lovemaking will be in your future with this scent. However instead of your friend’s mother, I mean Jaguar and instead of lovemaking, I mean mauling. Even though those words are mutually exclusive, I wouldn’t suggest the up-incoming thirty something Stock Broker should tear off into jungle in search of love. While Jaguars have been known to live in places like the Guatemalan jungle and driveways with Lazy Susan parking spots, humans aren’t necessarily compatible with our feline friends. At least not yet…

As you know, I’m not afraid to take on the big issues at Ideas That Won’t Change The World. Now that Calvin Klein has a cologne for Jaguar attraction, I will come up with other ideas aiding humans and giant furry creatures with vicious teeth “getting together.” The first being dating reality television for giant cats wanting to eat people. The show could be similar to The Bachelorette, except the big cat eats the winner. Here are a few “confessional style” interviews from the latest session with Ali the lion:

Ali: Craig was amazing! Not only did he smell good, (insert Calvin Klein’s Obsession), but that guy can run!

Craig: I really hope she picks me. I run. She runs! It’s like a match from heaven, bro!

Ali: Running is fun but I’m looking for a human to interact with me, not run all the time.

Shooter: If I tell her my premature ejaculation story, she’ll love me forever!

Ali: I love premature ejaculation stories.

Shooter: See! Told you! It was a good strategy!

Another way we can help the human-cat connection is create websites for animals on the hunt like okpredator dot com, or eharvestingorgans dot com. Let’s take a look at some sample profiles:

Panther: SBP iso Human. Loves longs walks in the jungle, pacing back and forth in the cage, and small children for a healthy snack. Friends first. May lead to serious carnage later.

Bear: I know I’m not a cat. But bears like to eat people too! We get such a bad rap for have cuddly children toys designed after us. Steve from Blue’s Clues needs to date too! He has feelings… Um… roar, bear! Date the guy from Blue’s Clues.

SKitty1314: I am Ukraine from! Very pleasing to make you happy! Search long to see you. Please leave spleen in freezer bag and if you wake up in a bathtub full ice. It’s normal. Much love. Seeing soon you. Helga131414154.

The final way to really spice up human and cat relationships beyond cologne, is lifting the ban on human-cat marriage. Their lifestyle choice isn’t really our business. Besides, we need to focus on the real threat to marriage, gays. Can you imagine what the world would be like if two people in love got married! Complete chaos. Gays will breed and overpopulate the planet. Then they will start trying to tell you how to live your life. Soon everyone will be gay, because allowing gay marriage is like allowing people to do whatever they want. Without law WHERE DOES IT END?!?!? The world will explode! EVERYONE WILL BE DEAD!

The only solution is for everyone, from this moment forth, start living life how I tell you. In order to save the world, everyone must marry a lion, preferably one that hasn’t eaten in several days. Good! Now that they are all gone, I bet you are thinking that I have time to “catch up on my reading” but will break my glasses. Ha! I don’t need glasses to read! So long suckers! I’m going to a nightclub and ain’t no stupid bouncer going to tell me that I need to wear pants in the nightclub.

Mentos: The World Saver!

Warning: Reading this humor piece may result in cerebral hemorrhaging and other conditions… Because we still want you to read the rest, we include a vague reference to “other conditions.” The list could be as long as McCarthy’s blacklist or a scraped knee. We do this for the same reason why drug companies say, “Side effects may include.” You may bleed from the eyes after taking a birth control pill but that doesn’t mean they don’t want you to take it. Because they spent all this money researching an expensive prescription drug that preforms the same function as Midol (except in reverse), instead of researching new drugs for curing Aids.

Anyone, who was not in a coma during the nineties, probably saw one of those Mentos commercials. The commercials began with an everyday life problems, such as a cars parallel parked too close, stuck in a taxi on a busy street, and taken hostage while working in a US embassy. The characters derived insight after ingesting a Mentos. For example, four men picked up the car suck in the parallel parking spot and carried it to the street after some Mentos inspiration. For the hostage crisis, the commando put on the bandanna, a couple of grenade sashes, and charcoal face paint. Everyone one knows that commandos can’ t fight terrorists without charcoal face paint.

CIA Agent: Rex Testosterone! Come out of the bathroom! We need you to take out some terrorists that have captured Tony Danza.

RT: No! I am ugly! I do not have my face on.

CIA Agent: We will buy you more charcoal make-up later, but we need you now!

RT: No! I am hideous! Don’t look at me.

CIA Agent: Rex, you are a very pretty man.

RT: Really? Even without my charcoal face make-up?

CIA Agent: Yes, the most beautiful. Now go out and fight those terrorists.

RT: Well, ok. Just this once. But no pictures.

Later. Whilst fighting a terrorist.

Terrorist: Haha! You look stupid without charcoal on your face!

RT runs away crying.

The especially painful part of the Mentos commercial is not the idea that Mentos gave the characters a divine epiphany, where any problem could be solved. What made the commercials arguably the scourge of the nineties, was the song.  They featured a little tune, “Fresh goes better! Mentos Freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!” For those of you who now have the jingle stuck in your head, Haha! Please don’t sue me. Remember the liability disclaimer at the top? Besides, it’s not your fault for living though the decade where nothing happened, (with the exception of Winona Ryder making a video about the “confusion of existence in a time without heroes.”)

The “Mentos Ideas to Change the World” is actually closer to the truth. Move over big oil. See you later hybrid cars. Electric cars are for wussies. We now have the alternate energy source that will change the world: The Mentos Coke Rocket Car! Yes the video before your eyes is the future, baby. Luckily enough, you heard about this new exciting technology from me first (pay no attention to the earlybird.com and msnbc.com behind the curtain!). And now loyal readers of Ideas That Won’t Change the World (all three of you), we have an investment opportunity to gain a foot hold in a industry before the market is flooded with Mentos and Coke powered cars.

The idea is simple. You write me a check. I will buy soda and Mentos. Since Mentos have wheat, Felicia, my fiancee, will do all the Mentos research. I’ll do all the soda research. (By research. I, of course, mean consume. We have to make sure there aren’t any health risks from drinking soda or eating Mentos. With a candy and soda fuel base, Willy Wonka’s torturing of glutinous little kids won’t stop a child from eating the fuel. You want to protect the children right? I’ll bravely volunteer myself to drink the soda). Then I will use the money to buy a BMW as a comparison shopping test. If you give me a large enough check, I’ll test drive other cars too, maybe even a private jet. I’ll also “test” a beach house in Hawaii to make sure spilled soda won’t cause environmental problems like spilled oil. Meanwhile the prototype of the Coke-Mentos powered car will always need a little bit more of capital from you, my loyal public, to get off the ground. Meanwhile, I’ll be at the beach house, smiling, holding a Mentos package. “Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!”