Warning: Reading this humor piece may result in cerebral hemorrhaging and other conditions… Because we still want you to read the rest, we include a vague reference to “other conditions.” The list could be as long as McCarthy’s blacklist or a scraped knee. We do this for the same reason why drug companies say, “Side effects may include.” You may bleed from the eyes after taking a birth control pill but that doesn’t mean they don’t want you to take it. Because they spent all this money researching an expensive prescription drug that preforms the same function as Midol (except in reverse), instead of researching new drugs for curing Aids.
Anyone, who was not in a coma during the nineties, probably saw one of those Mentos commercials. The commercials began with an everyday life problems, such as a cars parallel parked too close, stuck in a taxi on a busy street, and taken hostage while working in a US embassy. The characters derived insight after ingesting a Mentos. For example, four men picked up the car suck in the parallel parking spot and carried it to the street after some Mentos inspiration. For the hostage crisis, the commando put on the bandanna, a couple of grenade sashes, and charcoal face paint. Everyone one knows that commandos can’ t fight terrorists without charcoal face paint.
CIA Agent: Rex Testosterone! Come out of the bathroom! We need you to take out some terrorists that have captured Tony Danza.
RT: No! I am ugly! I do not have my face on.
CIA Agent: We will buy you more charcoal make-up later, but we need you now!
RT: No! I am hideous! Don’t look at me.
CIA Agent: Rex, you are a very pretty man.
RT: Really? Even without my charcoal face make-up?
CIA Agent: Yes, the most beautiful. Now go out and fight those terrorists.
RT: Well, ok. Just this once. But no pictures.
Later. Whilst fighting a terrorist.
Terrorist: Haha! You look stupid without charcoal on your face!
RT runs away crying.
The especially painful part of the Mentos commercial is not the idea that Mentos gave the characters a divine epiphany, where any problem could be solved. What made the commercials arguably the scourge of the nineties, was the song. They featured a little tune, “Fresh goes better! Mentos Freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!” For those of you who now have the jingle stuck in your head, Haha! Please don’t sue me. Remember the liability disclaimer at the top? Besides, it’s not your fault for living though the decade where nothing happened, (with the exception of Winona Ryder making a video about the “confusion of existence in a time without heroes.”)
The “Mentos Ideas to Change the World” is actually closer to the truth. Move over big oil. See you later hybrid cars. Electric cars are for wussies. We now have the alternate energy source that will change the world: The Mentos Coke Rocket Car! Yes the video before your eyes is the future, baby. Luckily enough, you heard about this new exciting technology from me first (pay no attention to the earlybird.com and msnbc.com behind the curtain!). And now loyal readers of Ideas That Won’t Change the World (all three of you), we have an investment opportunity to gain a foot hold in a industry before the market is flooded with Mentos and Coke powered cars.
The idea is simple. You write me a check. I will buy soda and Mentos. Since Mentos have wheat, Felicia, my fiancee, will do all the Mentos research. I’ll do all the soda research. (By research. I, of course, mean consume. We have to make sure there aren’t any health risks from drinking soda or eating Mentos. With a candy and soda fuel base, Willy Wonka’s torturing of glutinous little kids won’t stop a child from eating the fuel. You want to protect the children right? I’ll bravely volunteer myself to drink the soda). Then I will use the money to buy a BMW as a comparison shopping test. If you give me a large enough check, I’ll test drive other cars too, maybe even a private jet. I’ll also “test” a beach house in Hawaii to make sure spilled soda won’t cause environmental problems like spilled oil. Meanwhile the prototype of the Coke-Mentos powered car will always need a little bit more of capital from you, my loyal public, to get off the ground. Meanwhile, I’ll be at the beach house, smiling, holding a Mentos package. “Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!”