Nice Kitty. Please Don’t Maul the Stock Broker.

Attracting a big cat no longer requires flexing those guns for your best friend’s mom while you rake her lawn. Calvin Klein has a cologne scientifically proven to grab the attention of that special cougar. Lovemaking will be in your future with this scent. However instead of your friend’s mother, I mean Jaguar and instead of lovemaking, I mean mauling. Even though those words are mutually exclusive, I wouldn’t suggest the up-incoming thirty something Stock Broker should tear off into jungle in search of love. While Jaguars have been known to live in places like the Guatemalan jungle and driveways with Lazy Susan parking spots, humans aren’t necessarily compatible with our feline friends. At least not yet…

As you know, I’m not afraid to take on the big issues at Ideas That Won’t Change The World. Now that Calvin Klein has a cologne for Jaguar attraction, I will come up with other ideas aiding humans and giant furry creatures with vicious teeth “getting together.” The first being dating reality television for giant cats wanting to eat people. The show could be similar to The Bachelorette, except the big cat eats the winner. Here are a few “confessional style” interviews from the latest session with Ali the lion:

Ali: Craig was amazing! Not only did he smell good, (insert Calvin Klein’s Obsession), but that guy can run!

Craig: I really hope she picks me. I run. She runs! It’s like a match from heaven, bro!

Ali: Running is fun but I’m looking for a human to interact with me, not run all the time.

Shooter: If I tell her my premature ejaculation story, she’ll love me forever!

Ali: I love premature ejaculation stories.

Shooter: See! Told you! It was a good strategy!

Another way we can help the human-cat connection is create websites for animals on the hunt like okpredator dot com, or eharvestingorgans dot com. Let’s take a look at some sample profiles:

Panther: SBP iso Human. Loves longs walks in the jungle, pacing back and forth in the cage, and small children for a healthy snack. Friends first. May lead to serious carnage later.

Bear: I know I’m not a cat. But bears like to eat people too! We get such a bad rap for have cuddly children toys designed after us. Steve from Blue’s Clues needs to date too! He has feelings… Um… roar, bear! Date the guy from Blue’s Clues.

SKitty1314: I am Ukraine from! Very pleasing to make you happy! Search long to see you. Please leave spleen in freezer bag and if you wake up in a bathtub full ice. It’s normal. Much love. Seeing soon you. Helga131414154.

The final way to really spice up human and cat relationships beyond cologne, is lifting the ban on human-cat marriage. Their lifestyle choice isn’t really our business. Besides, we need to focus on the real threat to marriage, gays. Can you imagine what the world would be like if two people in love got married! Complete chaos. Gays will breed and overpopulate the planet. Then they will start trying to tell you how to live your life. Soon everyone will be gay, because allowing gay marriage is like allowing people to do whatever they want. Without law WHERE DOES IT END?!?!? The world will explode! EVERYONE WILL BE DEAD!

The only solution is for everyone, from this moment forth, start living life how I tell you. In order to save the world, everyone must marry a lion, preferably one that hasn’t eaten in several days. Good! Now that they are all gone, I bet you are thinking that I have time to “catch up on my reading” but will break my glasses. Ha! I don’t need glasses to read! So long suckers! I’m going to a nightclub and ain’t no stupid bouncer going to tell me that I need to wear pants in the nightclub.

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