It’s The End of the World as REM Knows It: The FAQ

Q: And they feel fine. Jerks.

A: I know! As for the rest of us, the seaweed is dying. Dead seaweed may not seem particularly world ending but as your leading humor crackpot theorist, trust me the world will end. Mainly because seaweed provides oxygen and without oxygen metal doesn’t rust. Without rust, industrial towns of a forgotten age won’t deteriorate. Those towns sticking around will be a condition for an apocalypse. The only way to protect yourself from impending doom is camp outside Kevin Costner’s house because he obviously survives the end of the world.

Q: Wait! Aren’t you making incredible claims and illogical leaps, Aaron? Huh? Explain that mister!

A: Conspiracy Theory Scholarship has a proud tradition to uphold. If the end of the world was so obvious then everyone would know about it and I wouldn’t own the exclusive over priced t-shirt rights! Believe me, I want the two dollars made from selling those under designed and over priced t-shirts.

Q: But the world is ending! What would you do with the money?

A: Bribe the guard at the gate to heaven, of course! What else are those churchorporations going to do with all that money?

Q: Build a bunker under Keven Costner’s house? Besides, I’m Buddhist.

A: Buddha can be bribed too…

Q: With what?

A: Um… Cheesecake Factory gift certificates.

Q: This FAQ is over!

A: Wait! I haven’t told you how the world is going to end!

Q: Sigh, how is the world going to end?

A: Once the seaweed is dead, swimmers will no longer have their feet entangled. Therefore they will be free to swim as long as they want.

Q: Go on…

A: Meanwhile, the not rusted Industrialized Towns of a Forgotten Age, the ITFA’S, will be free for the taking because everybody is out swimming. You know who will use the ITFA’s for a diabolical scheme?

Q: Who?

A: The band Creed! They will make music videos featuring empty towns… empty like their soul, own prison, or other such non-sense.

Q: That is really silly. Creed died with the nineties.

A: They have a new album and a tour!

Q: I fail to see how this relates to the end of the world.

A: No really, they are stilling harbinging the apocalypse with their the long, hard, difficult life of the middle class music. Think about the angsty music in the world about the difficult life of a middle class Americans. They aren’t starving. Bombs aren’t regular neighborhood occurrences. Machine guns aren’t an essential household tool. They have a government that has the ability to change policies the public doesn’t like. A roofless, cockroach infested, set of walls isn’t a standard family dwelling. They have schools systems and youth organizations instead of terrorist training camps being the only place for teenagers to hang out. Yet somehow, life is really difficult! And we “share the pain” by listening to the soundtrack of hard middle class life. If angst driven music makes a comeback the world may very well end.

Q: There are a lot of angsty bands out there. I still fail to see how the world will end.

A: What if the guy in charge of pressing the button to launch one nuclear weapon is listening to Creed and get’s depressed. He might wonder “what it’s all for?” and decide to launch a missile. Russia will respond causing a global nuclear catastrophe.

Q: You are making an outlandish claim for a scenario that is probably .00001 percent of happening.

A: Conspiracy theories like to bet on the odds. Besides, how else will I be able to sell my t-shirts.

Q: Will you shut up if I buy a t-shirt.

A: Really? You’ll buy one!

Q: Yes!

Q: Ah… silence. I guess this is a FAQ that will end with a question?

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