10 Ways to Help the Environment

In today’s world of choking on poisonous air in a sweltering heat bath, anyone can save themselves from dying and maybe some birds too. Here are 10 ways to help the environment from the comfort of your own home.

1. Recycle, Reuse, Reduce

Why flush human waste when you can reuse it? Take your unwanted poop, place in used paper sack, light on fire, set in front of Old Man McCrummi’s door, and ring doorbell. Recycle by using the bag again and again! Reduce the prep time for the prank by having several ready to use “poop fires.”

2. Use Less Heat and Air-Conditioning

Always turn on your air-conditioner and heat at the same time. Teamwork means everybody wins when the utilities don’t have to work as hard!

3. Use Those Trippy Spiral Light Bulbs

Whoa, those blow my mind! Like that “acid trip” screen saver program. I’m totally going to have a room full of computer monitors running all the time with the “acid trip” program and maybe five hundred spiral light bulbs. I’ll call my room “The House of Love and Light.”

4. Drive Less and Drive Smart

This one is pretty simple. Don’t drive your car. Always use your roommate’s car. Say winter has come and you want a cigarette. Rather than stand in the cold, you turn on your roommate’s Chevy and stay warm while you smoke. Your carbon footprint is zero because you didn’t use your car!

5. Buy Energy Efficient Products

Be cautious! Energy bars don’t actually have the most energy! Soda has way more. Energy equals calories. Most energy bars: 130 calories. A bottle of soda: 280 calories. Even if you only want a sip, dump the rest. You can always buy another bottle later.

6.Use Less Hot Water

Another easy solution. Use all the hot water when you take a shower so your roommate won’t use any. Sometimes you really need to crack that environmental whip.

7. Use The “Off” Switch

Your roommate is playing that god awful music again? Use the “off” switch. He’ll appreciate your caring attitude toward power efficiency.

8. Plant a Tree

Plastic trees are pretty cheap! Tear out all the plants in your yard and replace them with fake ones. You’ll use less water and look way cool because you can have skull pattern leaves or something.

9. Report Card From Your Utility Company

High numbers on the report are always good. Try and get the highest number ever on the power meter fixed to the side of your house.

10. Encourage Others to Conserve

Totally kick your roommate in the nuts if he tries to throw away your “poop fire” bags. A good prank should always be conserved.

Terrible Trouble With Student Loans

During an economic downturn, one of the reasons I think people don’t spend money is debt. For students in particular, the debt is a metric gob (one metric gob equals twenty metric shit tons). For the newly graduated, paying off massive debt becomes part of the privilege of an advanced degree with a higher paying job. I’m not an economist but wouldn’t a population spending money from their higher paying job help the economy?

Let’s look at an example from Ted. He is your average American guy. He likes football, smashing beer cans on his head, and has auditioned for High School Musical at least twice. He studied micro underwater transistorized converter biology zirconium chips, and received his BMUTCBZCA degree. The schooling cost about forty thousand in students loans and now he is gainfully employed at MUTCBZC LLC B2B CRM PSA NFL NBA LOL HF TTYL IF YOU HAVE ONE MORE ACRONYM I WILL FUCKING END YOU. Instead of buying the forty thousand dollar home entertainment system, Mustang (horse not car), or Malibu Stacy Ultimate Dream Collection, Ted pays off his debt. He later wipes a single tear from his eye as he realizes that Malibu Stacy would have made the High School Musical cut.  The point being, those with debt aren’t spending money.

In the spirit of Ideas That Won’t Change the World, I have the answer to such quandaries. To reform the educational system, the government must breed Tribbles. Those lovable, furry, infesting creatures from the Star Trek universe are the key to the student loan crisis. Simply place the fuzz buckets into any given financial aid office, watch them reproduce, and repeat this process until student loans are gone like the good ol’ days (“When I was your age, I had to wait all night to download one song! You ingrates!”). With no students receiving money, the student lending money reservoir will begin to over flow. Simply divert the cash reserved for the student to the institution responsible for the education. Ultimately, the colleges end up with the money anyway, why should the student repay money their school spent on a coffee mug design?

Since all the money normally reserved for student loans is now being paid to the educational institutions, eliminating tuition should be simple, like telling Slow on the Intake Hank to flip the switch. His strait man friend will then scream wildly, “No not that switch! That’s the launch every nuclear weapon switch!” Hank’s only response: a shrug and a laugh track. Ensuring the student’s education will remain free is fairly simple. All the staff in charge of student loan collections will be retrained with medieval torture tactics. Supply the agents with an ax and have them use the “crazy eyed stare” during accounting meetings.

What’s the return for the federal government by handing out all this money with no direct return on investment? The government throws around money for less fruitful ventures (The Missing $25 Billion), why not invest in students? With an educated, well trained, and higher paying population, I’d imagine the government will reap some benefit. Maybe with well paid, debt free  employees, there will be more economic growth and tax revenue. After all, well-educated college graduates need to purchase parts for their robot armies somehow! Ignore that last comment.

While I might not know the complexities of a robust economy, I believe people with debt don’t contribute to growth. Starting out most of the working force with an average of thirty thousand dollars of debt doesn’t seem to be the seed of a bustling economy. Student loans need serious reformation. Unfortunately, in a complex society simply nailing theses to a doorway won’t work. Law makers need to think outside the box… where they are locked up… until they think of a solution that doesn’t suck.

25 Fun Cult Ideas

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

1. Shave your head and sing hymns about household cleaning products. Build a temple.

2. Worship Jehovah’s Witnesses and give them fliers to join your Jehovah’s Witnesses Missionary cult.

3. Teen rock band cult. “We always thought he had too many posters in his room.”

4. Listen to all the Beatles albums backwards. Get a licence plate 28 IF. Start a Beatles cult. Then listen to Oasis in secret.

5. Follow the path of L. Ron Hubbard, you know Tom Cruise and John Travolta will take part.

6. Listen to your music really loud. Tell your parents, “One day, I’ll have a whole group of followers that will understand.”

7. Alien worship… illegal alien worship. Your followers don’t have to know the name is pronounced Hey-Zeus.

8. The first church of Danza, then you can claim to really know “Who’s The Boss?”

9. Purchase giant funny glasses. Pretend to read passages in the bible written in between the lines and move to Utah.

10. Take advantage of Goths writing poetry in a graveyard at midnight by dressing up as undead.

11. Suicide cult through $1 green chile double cheese burgers at McDonald’s.

12. Create a church of failed FOX television shows, and never run out of programs to show on Sunday mass.

13. Rewrite heavy metal lyrics to sound like ancient wisdom. “Holy Diver.” Thus spoke the Dio, “You hath been down for ages in the midnight sea…”

14. Pee yourself. Encourage your followers to do the same. Then laugh and say, “I can’t believe you did that!”

15. Use the federal tax guidelines as your bible. Claim to be the only person to really understand the hidden meaning in tax law.

16. Declare a tree in your backyard as a country. Build a tree fort. Put a sign on the outside that says “NO FBI AGENTS ALLOWED.”

17. “Derobing” ceremonies.

18. Match star patterns to positions U2 were on stage at their last concert. Claim Bono only wears shades because he doesn’t want the world to know about his otherworldly heritage.

19. A tortured soul cult. The temple is a coffee shop; the holy symbol a guitar.

20. The Jim and Bridget Jones’ diary.

21. A television commercial cult with Tivo as Satan.

22. The largest family minute sharing plan from T-Mobile. Catherine Zeta-Jones as the high priestess.

23. Rename your taco stand heaven.

24. Watch corporate motivational and training videos over and over. Suicide optional.

25. Worships every prophet. Draw mullets on the pictures of the prophets. Call the cult the Baha’ir.

Shameless Promotion

For my loyal readers (all three of them), you may remember the time I tried to squeeze every last dime from you with under designed and over priced t-shirts. I realize the error of my ways. I need to sell you under designed and over priced t-shirts which sole purpose is promoting my website. What better way to celebrate consumerism than by paying for gear that is making someone else lots of money? Why drink merely Budweiser when you can wear the hat and t-shirt combo!

Normally, when a company wants to promote their product, they have to pay the billboard company, the Google ad space, the television studio, etc. However, when our bodies are involved, we pay the company for the privilege of advertising their product. If Pepsi wanted to paint my house for the Crystal Pepsi comeback (destined for success), they would pay me. However, with objects that cover my personal regions, I must pay them. To buy a pair of Pepsi shorts, all I need is a credit card… That’s brilliant! Where do I sign up!

Imagine how much money I would make advertising on personal regions. The truth of humanity is people like to look at personal regions. There are slews of websites dedicated to private area viewing. If I can find some way for private area exhibitioners to pay me for putting an advertisement in their bathing suit area, I would get richer than a Gold Clad TV Evangelist running a Ponzi Scheme from a Casino.

My ascent into wealth, power, and possibly the entire signed Eclipse action figure collection, will be short lived. Because once the major branding companies find out about my personal region advertisements, they’ll come out with their own. The Pepsi Penis will no longer be merely a dream but a reality! Soon everyday folk, not only the professionals, will advertise on their body. We may as well pay the companies for a tattoo on our forehead. Before you get the tattoo please pay me and use the name of my website. Meanwhile Edward, Bella, and I will have a tea party.

Picture me with an Edward and Bella doll sipping on tea…

Me: How was your day Eddie, my dear… Oh, did the did nasty werewolf bite you… poor…poor darling. Bella… fetch me a hot bowl of water and my smelling salts.

In the age of Corona slippers, Corona visors, and Corona fanny packs, tattoos are really the only cool way left to use the body for advertising. Why pay for the shirt when you can tattoo the logo directly on your body? The only problem may be that Coca-Cola may sue you when you get a tattoo from Rex. After all Rex is not a authorized Coca-Cola tattoo artist, and how did you meet this Rex anyway? You should have went to a tattoo parlor! At least they are safe and clean whereas I don’t trust Rex’s pen knife… I don’t care that the tattoo was half priced…  So what if Judge Judy decided in your favor because the Coca was spelled Coco… She is probably right, you might have an infectious disease.

In conclusion, before you buy a major brand t-shirt, buy my t-shirt instead (If you are really adventurous, I also have an underwear line). You will have the satisfaction of helping the little guy reenact Pride and Prejudice with Eclipse dolls.

Bella: Oh, Mr. Edward Darcy! Your pride gets in the way.

Edward: I hold your prejudice towards sparkly vampires with disdain.

Wedding Bullets

Anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows the scale of tasks to complete before the day. There are roughly about five thousand details that need prompt attention. The problem, of course, is complicated when the details are handled two months before the wedding. The proper time for all wedding details should be at least three years with advanced written notice signed in triplicate. My wedding is a mere two months away so the time is perfect to start taking care of business!

The detail I handled today was taking a picture of the place so we can discuss decoration possibilities. By picture, I mean seventeen from various angles, as well as a floor plan of the reception room. As I was snapping the photos, using my mother as a stand-in for size, I realized that the only two people who take this many photos of an empty room are Wedding Planners and Army Reconnaissance.

I know why we really need world peace. Imagine the possibilities of using soldiers for wedding planning! The whole day will be super efficient and stress free! Need tables? Our soldiers can build a bridge over a giant river in five minutes. I think table and place settings would be fairly easy in comparison. Decorations, food, and even dance floors could be in place in under five minutes by an squad of commandos. Why use Army guys to kill people you don’t know? The Army can plan, setup, and take down your wedding the day you decide to have your wedding.

The tax benefit alone to the country will be well worth using American military force for festive occasions. We spend a lot of money every year researching more efficient missiles, when we could be researching more efficient wedding cake. A missile is pretty deadly. How much more deadly can missile be? It’s a missile!  It can kill anybody! Whereas as a wedding cake hasn’t really changed over the years. There isn’t a wedding cake yet that everyone likes, is low calorie, allergen free, small child running at mach 3 resistant, and natural disaster proof. There is no R&D budget for wedding cake technology, whereas a man wearing underwear in Colorado can kill someone in a cave in Afghanistan a missile for a couple billions dollars of R&D. Even a small fraction of that could make the ultimate cake! We should all write to our congressperson’s about funding for wedding cake technology! I will write to wedding cake manufacturers about a paycheck.

The best part of military wedding planning is all the spy technology! The government wedding planners will probably know about your wedding before you do, and already have a date, time, location, theme, and pack of swans at the ready. Picture this, one morning you wake up next to your partner. Your partners looks beautiful while sleeping. You smile and think, “Maybe I should marry this person… I think I’ll look at rings.” A crack group of elite wedding commandos descends on your house fitting you for your wedding outfits. A navy submarine scopes out a seaside wedding ballroom. Paratroopers land at your relatives houses, shoving them into the street. The annoying uncle that is always loaded at family functions is cut off by a man missing teeth named Brick. MRE’s served by the caterer. An Army Chaplin giving a sermon about a guy that lost his head but still found love. Sounds fun? Try planning for a wedding.

Write your congressperson today. Tell Washington the military must be used for more domestic purposes. When they haul you away for babbling at Washington’s grave, scream about wedding cakes and missiles. Remember, the squeaky wheel always gets greased. Or is that gets the grease?