Wedding Bullets

Anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows the scale of tasks to complete before the day. There are roughly about five thousand details that need prompt attention. The problem, of course, is complicated when the details are handled two months before the wedding. The proper time for all wedding details should be at least three years with advanced written notice signed in triplicate. My wedding is a mere two months away so the time is perfect to start taking care of business!

The detail I handled today was taking a picture of the place so we can discuss decoration possibilities. By picture, I mean seventeen from various angles, as well as a floor plan of the reception room. As I was snapping the photos, using my mother as a stand-in for size, I realized that the only two people who take this many photos of an empty room are Wedding Planners and Army Reconnaissance.

I know why we really need world peace. Imagine the possibilities of using soldiers for wedding planning! The whole day will be super efficient and stress free! Need tables? Our soldiers can build a bridge over a giant river in five minutes. I think table and place settings would be fairly easy in comparison. Decorations, food, and even dance floors could be in place in under five minutes by an squad of commandos. Why use Army guys to kill people you don’t know? The Army can plan, setup, and take down your wedding the day you decide to have your wedding.

The tax benefit alone to the country will be well worth using American military force for festive occasions. We spend a lot of money every year researching more efficient missiles, when we could be researching more efficient wedding cake. A missile is pretty deadly. How much more deadly can missile be? It’s a missile!  It can kill anybody! Whereas as a wedding cake hasn’t really changed over the years. There isn’t a wedding cake yet that everyone likes, is low calorie, allergen free, small child running at mach 3 resistant, and natural disaster proof. There is no R&D budget for wedding cake technology, whereas a man wearing underwear in Colorado can kill someone in a cave in Afghanistan a missile for a couple billions dollars of R&D. Even a small fraction of that could make the ultimate cake! We should all write to our congressperson’s about funding for wedding cake technology! I will write to wedding cake manufacturers about a paycheck.

The best part of military wedding planning is all the spy technology! The government wedding planners will probably know about your wedding before you do, and already have a date, time, location, theme, and pack of swans at the ready. Picture this, one morning you wake up next to your partner. Your partners looks beautiful while sleeping. You smile and think, “Maybe I should marry this person… I think I’ll look at rings.” A crack group of elite wedding commandos descends on your house fitting you for your wedding outfits. A navy submarine scopes out a seaside wedding ballroom. Paratroopers land at your relatives houses, shoving them into the street. The annoying uncle that is always loaded at family functions is cut off by a man missing teeth named Brick. MRE’s served by the caterer. An Army Chaplin giving a sermon about a guy that lost his head but still found love. Sounds fun? Try planning for a wedding.

Write your congressperson today. Tell Washington the military must be used for more domestic purposes. When they haul you away for babbling at Washington’s grave, scream about wedding cakes and missiles. Remember, the squeaky wheel always gets greased. Or is that gets the grease?

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