10 Ways to Help the Environment

In today’s world of choking on poisonous air in a sweltering heat bath, anyone can save themselves from dying and maybe some birds too. Here are 10 ways to help the environment from the comfort of your own home.

1. Recycle, Reuse, Reduce

Why flush human waste when you can reuse it? Take your unwanted poop, place in used paper sack, light on fire, set in front of Old Man McCrummi’s door, and ring doorbell. Recycle by using the bag again and again! Reduce the prep time for the prank by having several ready to use “poop fires.”

2. Use Less Heat and Air-Conditioning

Always turn on your air-conditioner and heat at the same time. Teamwork means everybody wins when the utilities don’t have to work as hard!

3. Use Those Trippy Spiral Light Bulbs

Whoa, those blow my mind! Like that “acid trip” screen saver program. I’m totally going to have a room full of computer monitors running all the time with the “acid trip” program and maybe five hundred spiral light bulbs. I’ll call my room “The House of Love and Light.”

4. Drive Less and Drive Smart

This one is pretty simple. Don’t drive your car. Always use your roommate’s car. Say winter has come and you want a cigarette. Rather than stand in the cold, you turn on your roommate’s Chevy and stay warm while you smoke. Your carbon footprint is zero because you didn’t use your car!

5. Buy Energy Efficient Products

Be cautious! Energy bars don’t actually have the most energy! Soda has way more. Energy equals calories. Most energy bars: 130 calories. A bottle of soda: 280 calories. Even if you only want a sip, dump the rest. You can always buy another bottle later.

6.Use Less Hot Water

Another easy solution. Use all the hot water when you take a shower so your roommate won’t use any. Sometimes you really need to crack that environmental whip.

7. Use The “Off” Switch

Your roommate is playing that god awful music again? Use the “off” switch. He’ll appreciate your caring attitude toward power efficiency.

8. Plant a Tree

Plastic trees are pretty cheap! Tear out all the plants in your yard and replace them with fake ones. You’ll use less water and look way cool because you can have skull pattern leaves or something.

9. Report Card From Your Utility Company

High numbers on the report are always good. Try and get the highest number ever on the power meter fixed to the side of your house.

10. Encourage Others to Conserve

Totally kick your roommate in the nuts if he tries to throw away your “poop fire” bags. A good prank should always be conserved.