Wedding Week

The Wedding Week is finally here! Hannibal probably didn’t plan half as much for crossing the Alps as we did for our wedding (thus why Hannibal is dead and we are going to have a wonderful wedding). I only have one thought on a week as important as this.

I love Felicia very much and am very happy to spend the rest of my life with her.

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Wedding Vows

With the wedding less than two weeks away, I must write the wedding vows with Felicia. A wedding vow is a pact with another person valid for the rest of their life. The partners solemnly swear that they will always be by the side of each other. However, most vows don’t include all the possible circumstances. For example, some vows include promises such as I’ll be with you and your sexy legs. I’ll also be with you should a shark eat those legs. A marriage is a bond that essentially fuses two people together so that one may take advantage of the others legs in the event of a shark attack.

Marriage vows are difficult to write because of all the possibilities. I can promise Felicia, my soon to be wife, that I’ll stick around should an alien intelligence possess my body for nefarious world domination purposes but I can’t account for all the scenarios in life. Such as, what if an ancient slumbering evil possessed me and not an alien intelligence? I’d like to think I’d still have her in my life.

Felicia: Don’t worry dear. They will bow to Yog-Sothoth soon!

Me: People don’t really understand Cthulhu anymore. Since when are tentacles cute!

Felicia: Eat their brains. Aaron. Eat their brains

The chances of alien intelligence and slumbering evil aren’t really a high probability of testing the marriage. However, during the wedding, I’ll promise my ability to handle those tests. The vows are a method for me to say, “I’ll be there for you. Regardless of the circumstance.” Marriage is simply a way to say, we are with each other till the end and the vows are an expression of that commitment.

I could take the more real life approach to a wedding vow. My mother always tells us she is amazed by Felicia’s ability to have me keep my room clean. My vow could go: “I promise to clean the dishes, buy more fruit, and close the cabinet doors.” I’d imagine the wedding guests would not want to listen to the real life based vows. The guests attend to witness the beginning of a new life together, not hear about how I will make an effort to water the plants while my wife is away. Any such diverting wedding practices will send the guests to “head land:”

Monkey: Welcome weary traveler! I am the monkey of “head land.” Keeper of the light you left on. Watcher of the flame of the unattended oven. And holder of the something you left at the house that you need right now.

I think the vow is less what is actually said and more the intention behind the vow. After all, I want to be with Felicia even if she has a brain slug attached to her head. The key to writing a good vow is holding true to my intention, “be with my wife regardless of the trials and tribulations ahead.” Listing all the circumstances that might cause trouble is impossible.

Since I can’t account for everything that may happen either big or small, I’ll need a “break-up clause.” Instead of promising that I’ll stick with her, I can simply tell her the one circumstance where I won’t be with her. Any other circumstance that may happen later in life will be covered. She’ll know I will be with her if anything happens except that “one thing.”

So here goes my vow:

I will love you always except if you paint yourself blue, change your name to Hal, contract a disease with a discarded milk carton from a homeless man named Sven on a Tuesday at 2:33 pm during a hurricane and must join a leper colony led by an alien-mutant-hybrid named Lawrence. I hope you will be with me when my arms are replaced with Jerry Garcia’s in the ultimate music experiment to see how truly grateful are the dead, my intestine gains sentience and decides to take art lessons, my ass is shot off during “the war,” Krispy Cream goes out of business, and bean sprouts grow hyper intelligent, enslaving humanity.

Castle of The Walking Stupid

Put on the breaks! Castle of the Walking Dead is an action-packed, non-stop, thrill ride of completely inane film making. The movie blasts off with a scene where a shackled Christopher Lee (who is notable for his acclaimed role as Dr. Fu Manchu (some sort of white wizard)), is sentenced to quartering because of the severity of his crime rather than the “usual” punishment (community service). Finally, after expository dialogue, a guy with a pointy red hat executes Christopher Lee, thus showing the audience the only plot point of the movie.

The back story sequence of Count Regula is long and drawn out (Yes, Christopher Lee’s character is named Count Regula. I’m thinking he is part of Warren G’s possie). Since the name Count Regula is about as scary as the rest of the movie, I will call him Reg Dogg from here on out. The back story doesn’t end with the first scene. Two seconds after the first scene, a Story Teller appears to tell the audience about what they just saw in case they were busy snacking on paint chips and missed the first five minutes of the movie.

The pace really picks up when the Story Teller tells the main characters about talking to Reg Dogg for insight to the mysterious past (that we watched and were told about in the first half of the movie). The next exciting thirty minutes builds the horror of what lies ahead as the male lead asks each person of the nearest town individually, one at a time, very slowly, at a dragging pace, about the castle. After receiving the same response from practically the entire town (scary shit ahead), the lead character realizes the movie is going no where and decides to get back into his stage coach (presumably to cry).

If you fell asleep during the first half of the movie, you’ll have a couple more chances to know that evil stuff will happen at Reg Dogg’s place. The next eternity is spent riding in the stage coach were “spooky and foreboding” is as exciting to watch as senate filibuster. Before all hope of forward motion plot is lost, the leads try to save a man hanging in a tree. However, like the rest of the film, they move slow to cut him down. He probably died twice. Meanwhile a “mysterious man” rides off with the female leads. The stolen stage coach causes the only short moment of the film where the male leads attempt to figure out how they might find the stage coach again. Luckily, the castle of Count Regula is about three feet to the left so we are spared searching through the WE GET IT THE CASTLE IS REALLY SPOOKY Woods.

For the audience member who stuck their head in a microwave during the show, there are a couple of paintings and some more dialogue explaining the back story “revealed” in these paintings. The high octane adventure doesn’t stop when a character finds the Story Teller dead (probably because he told the audience “secret plot points” the film makers intended to reveal as a surprise). Truly a testament to the scary stuff that should happen when Christopher Lee decides wake from his afternoon siesta.  Finally, when plot is about to happen and Reg Dogg wakes from the dead, evil torment awaits the characters (and audience). Count Regula explains the back story again.

Before the audience is lost in a world of horror, lack of mystery, and complete utter boredom, the main character discovers a way to beat Count Regula and his evil plot explaining ways. He dangles a cross. Really… He dangles a cross! Why didn’t horror movie heroes think of this one before? Dracula would be dead in the first act if Harker pulled the old dangle the cross trick. A werewolf clan got you down? Dangle a cross! Next time Osama Bin Laden tries terrorizing, we’ll be prepared. We got crosses ready for dangling.

Fantasy’s Fantasy Worlds

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I’ve always wondered if demons in an alternate dimension played role-playing games about people living in our world…

Bellorfaus: I turn down the ally to lose the cop.

Granorak: You’ll need to pass a drive check.

Bellorfaus: I don’t have the drive skill. Can’t I make dexterity check?

Nifflandik: Humans don’t let people drive until sixteen blood moons! They probably had to train all their lives.

Granorak: I remember when my grandpa made his twentieth blood moon.

Bellorfaus: I do have Lore: Action Movies so I’ve seen enough people driving!

Nifflandik: You are always trying to use that stupid Lore skill!

Granorak: My grandpa ate the entire Darlokkin clan. He was such an awesome guy.

Bellorfaus: It’s my best skill!

Nifflandik: I can’t help it if you picked a skill that we are never in a situation to use!

Granorak: Ok, ok! Roll lore at minus four.

Bellorfaus: See! I told you… Twenty! Wohoo!

Granorak: You avoid the cop. Nifflandik your character…

Nifflandik: I want my character to make out with a hot babe!

Granorak: You picked the nerd class. You can only make out with hot girls in exchange for money.

Nifflandik: Can I roll my Internet check to find a cheap one?

Granorak: Let’s see the rulebook. It says here, there is a chance that the girl might be a sixty-year-old man.

What would their characters be like when they reach higher levels?

Nifflandik: I sell off my software company for more hot babes.

Granorak: You already have fifty million hot babes.

Nifflandik: I got to make up for all the sixty-year-old men I met on the Internet.

Granorak: Ok fine, Bellorfaus, you are sleeping in a pile of beer cans. Your landlord pounds on the trailer door and awakens you.

Bellorfaus: I sneak out the back window.

Granorak: You get stuck in the window.

Bellorfaus: Can I roll a Lore: Exercise Television Shows check to suck in the fat?

What monsters would they fight?

Granorak: You are attacked by a horde of anti-trust lawyers. They attempt to subpoena you. You have the initiative.

Nifflandik: I use my fax blast attack. I rolled a 19! Critical hit!

Granorak: Ok, the lawyers fax systems are down for the count. They return with a PR Campaign of Striking… Ok Bellorfaus, your character is attempting to arm wrassle Jimbo for his pig…