Castle of The Walking Stupid

Put on the breaks! Castle of the Walking Dead is an action-packed, non-stop, thrill ride of completely inane film making. The movie blasts off with a scene where a shackled Christopher Lee (who is notable for his acclaimed role as Dr. Fu Manchu (some sort of white wizard)), is sentenced to quartering because of the severity of his crime rather than the “usual” punishment (community service). Finally, after expository dialogue, a guy with a pointy red hat executes Christopher Lee, thus showing the audience the only plot point of the movie.

The back story sequence of Count Regula is long and drawn out (Yes, Christopher Lee’s character is named Count Regula. I’m thinking he is part of Warren G’s possie). Since the name Count Regula is about as scary as the rest of the movie, I will call him Reg Dogg from here on out. The back story doesn’t end with the first scene. Two seconds after the first scene, a Story Teller appears to tell the audience about what they just saw in case they were busy snacking on paint chips and missed the first five minutes of the movie.

The pace really picks up when the Story Teller tells the main characters about talking to Reg Dogg for insight to the mysterious past (that we watched and were told about in the first half of the movie). The next exciting thirty minutes builds the horror of what lies ahead as the male lead asks each person of the nearest town individually, one at a time, very slowly, at a dragging pace, about the castle. After receiving the same response from practically the entire town (scary shit ahead), the lead character realizes the movie is going no where and decides to get back into his stage coach (presumably to cry).

If you fell asleep during the first half of the movie, you’ll have a couple more chances to know that evil stuff will happen at Reg Dogg’s place. The next eternity is spent riding in the stage coach were “spooky and foreboding” is as exciting to watch as senate filibuster. Before all hope of forward motion plot is lost, the leads try to save a man hanging in a tree. However, like the rest of the film, they move slow to cut him down. He probably died twice. Meanwhile a “mysterious man” rides off with the female leads. The stolen stage coach causes the only short moment of the film where the male leads attempt to figure out how they might find the stage coach again. Luckily, the castle of Count Regula is about three feet to the left so we are spared searching through the WE GET IT THE CASTLE IS REALLY SPOOKY Woods.

For the audience member who stuck their head in a microwave during the show, there are a couple of paintings and some more dialogue explaining the back story “revealed” in these paintings. The high octane adventure doesn’t stop when a character finds the Story Teller dead (probably because he told the audience “secret plot points” the film makers intended to reveal as a surprise). Truly a testament to the scary stuff that should happen when Christopher Lee decides wake from his afternoon siesta.  Finally, when plot is about to happen and Reg Dogg wakes from the dead, evil torment awaits the characters (and audience). Count Regula explains the back story again.

Before the audience is lost in a world of horror, lack of mystery, and complete utter boredom, the main character discovers a way to beat Count Regula and his evil plot explaining ways. He dangles a cross. Really… He dangles a cross! Why didn’t horror movie heroes think of this one before? Dracula would be dead in the first act if Harker pulled the old dangle the cross trick. A werewolf clan got you down? Dangle a cross! Next time Osama Bin Laden tries terrorizing, we’ll be prepared. We got crosses ready for dangling.

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