Wedding Vows

With the wedding less than two weeks away, I must write the wedding vows with Felicia. A wedding vow is a pact with another person valid for the rest of their life. The partners solemnly swear that they will always be by the side of each other. However, most vows don’t include all the possible circumstances. For example, some vows include promises such as I’ll be with you and your sexy legs. I’ll also be with you should a shark eat those legs. A marriage is a bond that essentially fuses two people together so that one may take advantage of the others legs in the event of a shark attack.

Marriage vows are difficult to write because of all the possibilities. I can promise Felicia, my soon to be wife, that I’ll stick around should an alien intelligence possess my body for nefarious world domination purposes but I can’t account for all the scenarios in life. Such as, what if an ancient slumbering evil possessed me and not an alien intelligence? I’d like to think I’d still have her in my life.

Felicia: Don’t worry dear. They will bow to Yog-Sothoth soon!

Me: People don’t really understand Cthulhu anymore. Since when are tentacles cute!

Felicia: Eat their brains. Aaron. Eat their brains

The chances of alien intelligence and slumbering evil aren’t really a high probability of testing the marriage. However, during the wedding, I’ll promise my ability to handle those tests. The vows are a method for me to say, “I’ll be there for you. Regardless of the circumstance.” Marriage is simply a way to say, we are with each other till the end and the vows are an expression of that commitment.

I could take the more real life approach to a wedding vow. My mother always tells us she is amazed by Felicia’s ability to have me keep my room clean. My vow could go: “I promise to clean the dishes, buy more fruit, and close the cabinet doors.” I’d imagine the wedding guests would not want to listen to the real life based vows. The guests attend to witness the beginning of a new life together, not hear about how I will make an effort to water the plants while my wife is away. Any such diverting wedding practices will send the guests to “head land:”

Monkey: Welcome weary traveler! I am the monkey of “head land.” Keeper of the light you left on. Watcher of the flame of the unattended oven. And holder of the something you left at the house that you need right now.

I think the vow is less what is actually said and more the intention behind the vow. After all, I want to be with Felicia even if she has a brain slug attached to her head. The key to writing a good vow is holding true to my intention, “be with my wife regardless of the trials and tribulations ahead.” Listing all the circumstances that might cause trouble is impossible.

Since I can’t account for everything that may happen either big or small, I’ll need a “break-up clause.” Instead of promising that I’ll stick with her, I can simply tell her the one circumstance where I won’t be with her. Any other circumstance that may happen later in life will be covered. She’ll know I will be with her if anything happens except that “one thing.”

So here goes my vow:

I will love you always except if you paint yourself blue, change your name to Hal, contract a disease with a discarded milk carton from a homeless man named Sven on a Tuesday at 2:33 pm during a hurricane and must join a leper colony led by an alien-mutant-hybrid named Lawrence. I hope you will be with me when my arms are replaced with Jerry Garcia’s in the ultimate music experiment to see how truly grateful are the dead, my intestine gains sentience and decides to take art lessons, my ass is shot off during “the war,” Krispy Cream goes out of business, and bean sprouts grow hyper intelligent, enslaving humanity.

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One Comment

  1. You should try and outline it in legalese. Rather than list every possible item while your guest are listening to you, you can drop up some large documents.

    “I promise to love you for ever, unless an act occurs that violates a condition for my love as outlined in the document titled ‘Conditions for an Uninterrupted Marriage with Aaron, dated August 2010, hereafter referred to as the CUM by Aaron document. I hope you will continue to love me even if an event occurs that is stated in the document, “Events which may or may not lose Felicia love depending on the exact circumstances and time of month, dated August 2010.”

    Of course providing the documents at the reception will provide much opportunity for that humor thing.

    Reply

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