Kittens For World Peace

I’m writing this blog entry at the Dog Park while my dog, Jasper, expends all his excess energy. Dogs are the same device Desmond from Lost guarded for years. Every one-hundred and one minutes, Desmond would enter a number sequence into a machine or the Island would explode. Every one-hundred and one minutes, my dog goes widely crazy. Walks, trips to the Dog Park, and throwing balls is the number sequence for my dog. We need to be especially observant of the number sequence because we have guests, two cats.

For those familiar with the feline/canine species interaction, two cats and a hyperactive dog are a potential nuclear disaster event. According to legend, the first atomic weapon was actually named “Fuzzy Boy.” Oppenheimer essentially locked a cat and a dog in a room. He attempted to create nuclear fission via the power of “fuzz.” Unsuccessful, Schroedinger was pretty pissed at Oppenheimer for ruining his experiment. As was the cat, who was asleep in the box until the introduction of the dog. Thus far, the interaction between my dog and the two new kitties have failed to recreate Oppenheimer’s results (a wet and pissed kitty).

The cats are currently receded to the furthest point possible under the futon in the guest bedroom. One of the cats is named Orion. He is the more adventurous one. As a consequence of his wanderings, he was the first cat to meet my dog. If I could translate the expression on the animals’ faces, their meeting went like this:

Jasper: Oh Boy! A new friend!

Orion: Oh my god! What the hell is that?

Jasper: I’d sure like to sniff you.

Orion: Keep that thing the hell away from me.

Jasper: Ok, so there some ground rules we have to cover.

Orion: For a cat, you are not really well kept. I don’t like it. You, man. Get me another.

Jasper: You’ll have to let me lick you whenever I want. And my mommy is in charge.

The exchange of hisses, growls, and the dog’s inability to understand that not every creature enjoys being sniffed in the butt went on for a while. Eventually through patience and understanding, I decided to take my dog to the Dog Park. Now the dog can run, sniff, and wander to his heart’s content. Meanwhile, Orion will become more acclimated to the house. The idea behind this tactic is simple. If they are too tired to fight, their next meeting will hopefully go like this:

Jasper: Hey.

Orion: Sup bro.

Jasper: Nothhing.

Orion: I still don’t like you.

Jasper: It’s cool. Hey I’m gonna go bark at the mailman want anything?

Orion: Naw, I’m cool.

The secret to pet ownership is not very complex. Give them so much activity that they become Stoners on a couch. If only people worked this way. We would have less problems:

Palestinian: You stole my lands bro.

Israelite: They were mine first bro.

Palestinian: That was like two thousand years ago man!

Israelite: What if we’re all just energy man… without time.

Palestinian: Whoa, bro. That’s heavy… pass the bong.

Errata: Apparently, the idea of making people too tired to fight, truly won’t change the world. After the Dog Park, I decided to stop by the local Sonic. Entering my house was going to be tricky. I had a Sonic drink, a computer, and the dog. The moment I walked out of my car, the mailman walked towards my house. The dog went berserk and the drink splashed all over me and the driveway. So much for world peace.

Other Fun Pass Throughs

A while back, I mused about the idea of building a pass through in my bathroom in a post entitled: The Manly Bathroom. I’m honored by the sheer scale of readership for that post. For every four visits to the website, at least one of them is an unsuspecting DYI-er looking for either bathroom pass throughs or manly bathrooms. Of course my site has no helpful advice for either. However, since the public has demanded pass throughs, I shall offer more fun locations in the house for pass throughs.

The Children Bedrooms:

Most sibling rivalry is seeded in jealousy of the other sibling. The easiest way to solve disputes is a pass through in two adjacent children rooms. Rather than having Big Sister play with her My Little Ponies secretly in her room, Little Brother can stage a G.I. Joe sniper with a tranquilizer gun via the pass through. In order to get rid of pesky Little Brother, Big Sis needs to toss one of the ponies over. Little Bro can now feel like he is part of the herd and Big Sis can spend her youth free of a murder rap.

The benefits in their teenage years are clearly when Little Bro is feeling left out of the Big Sis Sleepover Party. Her friends will be thrilled to know Little Bro is watching them sleeping, making sure they are safe during the night. Big Sis will benefit from the pass through when she tosses her bag of pure black-tar heroine into Little Bro’s room during an DEA raid of the house. The parents really should think about building another pass through from the bathroom to Little Bro’s room as well to dump the Meth Lab equipment. Lucky for Little Bro, he has a very caring family and they will visit him in federal prison.

The Living Room:

Most homeowners usually build pass throughs from the kitchen to the living room. Very few think about the benefits from the living room to the outside. For the family in the previous example, they can use the quick access to outside during the DEA raid. Even for families that don’t make their income on illegal substances, the outside is a great place to spend a lazy afternoon.

The homeowner doesn’t even need to leave their home to get a dose of the great outdoors. Of course by “Great Outdoors,” I mean hunting. Imagine sitting on the couch watching Hitler invade Poland for the 467th documentary when a bird flaps by the window. BLAM! Diner is ready tonight. That pesky dog who always poops on your lawn. BLAM! The neighbor who always tries to convince you to join their church… BLAM! Those FBI agents telling you that your house is not legally Bobdonia and still accountable to the laws of the US. BLAM! BLAM! THEY WILL NEVER TAKE YOU ALIVE! What’s that tear gas can doing on your floor? That’s YOUR pass through! From YOUR country! They’ll need to show you a passport before they can swing through the opening…

The Office:

Even if your family doesn’t make their living via any illegal activity, the office is a great place for a pass through. Imagine, the President is over to visit and you have an idea that will innovate the oil spill clean up: Bob’s Giant Vaccu-suck. You casually leave the screen saver off, and make little remarks about the office pass through. Obama glances at the screen. “Brilliant,” he exclaims and hugs you for your innovation. You are a true patriot and American.

Except he is not looking. He keeps remarking on the quality of the craftsmanship. The plans are RIGHT THERE. HE WILL LOOK. Time to a take a hostage…

On second thought, maybe you should stick to just a bathroom pass through.

A Night at the Opera: In Klingon

Cultural artistic endeavors have reached a new all time achievement of the highest standard: a full length original opera entirely in Klingon. Not only will humans enjoy the mythic legend of Kahless, the fabled Klingon warrior, but the promoters transmitted a  message to the Klingon homeworld, Kronos. Assuming Klingons really do exist, wouldn’t inviting Klingons to Earth well before the existence of warp ships be a fairly bad idea?

In the Star Trek universe, Klingons and humans didn’t start out on a friendly brothers in arms relationship. I don’t think a space shuttle is quite up to par for defense against a Klingon Bird of Prey.

Astronaut: Buzz. Click. Um NASA, we’ve got contact with what looks like a…

Klingon: Kahlesste kaase

Hizz. Fuzzzzzzzzz….

Luckily enough, the chances of bumps on the forehead being the only distinguishing feature of every alien species in the universe is slim. More than likely, Klingons don’t actually exist on their homeworld. Chances are, the only Klingons in the Opera’s audience will be genetically human. Though with advances in DNA therapy, a real Klingon race is probably not far away.

Hair Dresser: What do we want to today?

Guy: Could you perm my hair long and curly? Also genetically alter my forward with ridges like Kahless?

Hair Dresser: Fabulous! May I suggest some highlights? I think they will really enhance those bumps.

If there is an alien species in the star system of the Klingon homeworld, a transmission from Earth may cause some confusion which could potentially lead to problems for humanity. However, the Obama administration is pretty swamped with economy stuff so some Random Idiot on the Internet needs to think of the solutions for them. I will bravely volunteer myself as the Random Idiot. Several scenarios come to mind:

Scenario 1:  The signal is the first sign of intelligent life the aliens receive. Although they can’t decipher the message, their whole civilization goes wild. Religious cults are founded on the basis: the message has a divine meaning. Due to the fact that transmissions between Earth and the alien planet take hundreds of years, the cults eventually become major world religions. Finally after enough contact with humans, they learn the original message was something rather silly. Mass hysteria and the end of an alien civilization ensues.

Scenario 1 Solution: Cryogenically freeze Michael Dorn for a messiah like return for future generations.

Scenario 2: The aliens have been monitoring humans for years and understand the message. After sending an interstellar, faster-than-light craft to attend the Opera, the aliens become Trekkies. The Star Trek phenomenon is no longer localized to the planet Earth and is now truly interstellar. Garrett Wang, of Voyager fame, finally gets a decent post-Star Trek roll from an alien species. Mr. Wang wins an Academy Award.

Scenarios 2 Solution: Might not seem very apocalyptic but Nostradamus wrote something like, “When they start handing out Academy Awards to anyone, watch your ass.” The only solution in this case is to hire Denise Crosby for Trekkies 3, make lots of money, and hide in a bunker (preferably letting the Random Idiot hide with you). Or preempt the “Return of the Wang” by cryogenically freezing Garrett for future generations to deal with.

Scenario 3: Aliens receive and translate the message. They send a ship that travels less- than-light speed. By the time they arrive at earth, the show is closed. Earth now has two choices: revive the show or face annihilation. Unfortunately, the only Klingon speakers on the planet are poorly acted fan fiction. The new run of the show is a dismal failure and aliens annihilate anyway.

Scenario 3 Solution: Cryogenically freeze all the cast of Star Trek. They can be thawed once a year for conventions. Really this is the solution for just about any problem in the future. Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, and Captain Archer can solve anything. (Captain Archer is there purely for comic relief).

Jim Bob’s Dieting Infomercial

From The Bunny Droppings Files:

Hi, I’m Jim Bob and you should really buy my diets tubby! Yeah, I’m talking to you! These diet plans really work! Just look at me, I’m three hundred pounds and really rich! In fact, I don’t give a shit whether these diets work because I can afford high priced hookers from selling these things. So if you really do want to continue shoving cheesecake into that over-sized gullet while watching daytime television like Passions, whatever. But if you want to start the road to a slimmer, trimmer you, buy my diet plans and I probably won’t laugh too much while I’m cashing your check.

Jim Bob’s Russell Stover Diet: Eat all the Russell Stover truffles you want! You just got to make sure they provide you with the nutrition you need. So I’ve broken down the diet into three meals.

Breakfast: Eat the truffles with the cherries in the middle so you get fruit and vegetables. It’s a good thing they are on the same level in the food pyramid. Make sure you eat a shit ton of these cherry ones because you have to make up for the lack of a broccoli truffle. Don’t worry! Puke makes you thinner!

Lunch: Eat the peanut butter truffles to get yourself protein. If you eat a whole shit load of them, you’ll cover all the protein you’d get from a big old fat piece of pork. Nuts is way better than pork! Any health expert will tell you that! They also have truffles with other nuts so be sure to eat those too.

Diner: Here is the most important meal. Right now there is no bread in the diet yet. And the only truffle that will give you the bread group is that one with crisp rice in it. Now rice is good for you. Just look at Jet Lee, he can kick anyone’s ass. But there ain’t much rice in each truffle so you’ve got to eat gobs and gobs of them to get all your servings of bread according to the federal food pyramid. This time if you puke, eat some more. Eventually your body will absorb all that nutrition. And dinner is right before bed so your body will have all night to process it.

Now that ain’t all there is to the plan. If you buy the full Jim Bob’s Russell Stover plan today for $199.99, I’ll give you books that will count out how many truffles equal the serving levels on the food pyramid. I’m an expert so don’t try it yourself. You may eat the wrong truffles with no nutritional value! Huh? Ever thought of that fatty fat? So you have to buy it.

There are other benefits to buying this diet plan. I cut out a whole bunch of Walgreen’s coupons for Russell Stover candy so buying my plan will save you money in the long run. I’ll also tell you tips on how to shoplift the candy. For example, if they see the box of candy in your shirt, you can just cry. Tell them it’s the fetus of your conjoined twin brother that died at birth. Ain’t no clerk that will want to see that shit! You’ll be out of store with your candy in no time!

Still not convinced? If you order today, I’ll send you the free gift of Jim Bob’s Selling Your Neighbor’s Crap on Ebay, (a $99 value), today! And if that don’t convince you, I don’t know what will. You’re probably a moron. Buy Jim Bob’s Russell Stover diet today!