Jim Bob’s Dieting Infomercial

From The Bunny Droppings Files:

Hi, I’m Jim Bob and you should really buy my diets tubby! Yeah, I’m talking to you! These diet plans really work! Just look at me, I’m three hundred pounds and really rich! In fact, I don’t give a shit whether these diets work because I can afford high priced hookers from selling these things. So if you really do want to continue shoving cheesecake into that over-sized gullet while watching daytime television like Passions, whatever. But if you want to start the road to a slimmer, trimmer you, buy my diet plans and I probably won’t laugh too much while I’m cashing your check.

Jim Bob’s Russell Stover Diet: Eat all the Russell Stover truffles you want! You just got to make sure they provide you with the nutrition you need. So I’ve broken down the diet into three meals.

Breakfast: Eat the truffles with the cherries in the middle so you get fruit and vegetables. It’s a good thing they are on the same level in the food pyramid. Make sure you eat a shit ton of these cherry ones because you have to make up for the lack of a broccoli truffle. Don’t worry! Puke makes you thinner!

Lunch: Eat the peanut butter truffles to get yourself protein. If you eat a whole shit load of them, you’ll cover all the protein you’d get from a big old fat piece of pork. Nuts is way better than pork! Any health expert will tell you that! They also have truffles with other nuts so be sure to eat those too.

Diner: Here is the most important meal. Right now there is no bread in the diet yet. And the only truffle that will give you the bread group is that one with crisp rice in it. Now rice is good for you. Just look at Jet Lee, he can kick anyone’s ass. But there ain’t much rice in each truffle so you’ve got to eat gobs and gobs of them to get all your servings of bread according to the federal food pyramid. This time if you puke, eat some more. Eventually your body will absorb all that nutrition. And dinner is right before bed so your body will have all night to process it.

Now that ain’t all there is to the plan. If you buy the full Jim Bob’s Russell Stover plan today for $199.99, I’ll give you books that will count out how many truffles equal the serving levels on the food pyramid. I’m an expert so don’t try it yourself. You may eat the wrong truffles with no nutritional value! Huh? Ever thought of that fatty fat? So you have to buy it.

There are other benefits to buying this diet plan. I cut out a whole bunch of Walgreen’s coupons for Russell Stover candy so buying my plan will save you money in the long run. I’ll also tell you tips on how to shoplift the candy. For example, if they see the box of candy in your shirt, you can just cry. Tell them it’s the fetus of your conjoined twin brother that died at birth. Ain’t no clerk that will want to see that shit! You’ll be out of store with your candy in no time!

Still not convinced? If you order today, I’ll send you the free gift of Jim Bob’s Selling Your Neighbor’s Crap on Ebay, (a $99 value), today! And if that don’t convince you, I don’t know what will. You’re probably a moron. Buy Jim Bob’s Russell Stover diet today!

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

One thought on “Jim Bob’s Dieting Infomercial

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: