A Night at the Opera: In Klingon

Cultural artistic endeavors have reached a new all time achievement of the highest standard: a full length original opera entirely in Klingon. Not only will humans enjoy the mythic legend of Kahless, the fabled Klingon warrior, but the promoters transmitted a  message to the Klingon homeworld, Kronos. Assuming Klingons really do exist, wouldn’t inviting Klingons to Earth well before the existence of warp ships be a fairly bad idea?

In the Star Trek universe, Klingons and humans didn’t start out on a friendly brothers in arms relationship. I don’t think a space shuttle is quite up to par for defense against a Klingon Bird of Prey.

Astronaut: Buzz. Click. Um NASA, we’ve got contact with what looks like a…

Klingon: Kahlesste kaase

Hizz. Fuzzzzzzzzz….

Luckily enough, the chances of bumps on the forehead being the only distinguishing feature of every alien species in the universe is slim. More than likely, Klingons don’t actually exist on their homeworld. Chances are, the only Klingons in the Opera’s audience will be genetically human. Though with advances in DNA therapy, a real Klingon race is probably not far away.

Hair Dresser: What do we want to today?

Guy: Could you perm my hair long and curly? Also genetically alter my forward with ridges like Kahless?

Hair Dresser: Fabulous! May I suggest some highlights? I think they will really enhance those bumps.

If there is an alien species in the star system of the Klingon homeworld, a transmission from Earth may cause some confusion which could potentially lead to problems for humanity. However, the Obama administration is pretty swamped with economy stuff so some Random Idiot on the Internet needs to think of the solutions for them. I will bravely volunteer myself as the Random Idiot. Several scenarios come to mind:

Scenario 1:  The signal is the first sign of intelligent life the aliens receive. Although they can’t decipher the message, their whole civilization goes wild. Religious cults are founded on the basis: the message has a divine meaning. Due to the fact that transmissions between Earth and the alien planet take hundreds of years, the cults eventually become major world religions. Finally after enough contact with humans, they learn the original message was something rather silly. Mass hysteria and the end of an alien civilization ensues.

Scenario 1 Solution: Cryogenically freeze Michael Dorn for a messiah like return for future generations.

Scenario 2: The aliens have been monitoring humans for years and understand the message. After sending an interstellar, faster-than-light craft to attend the Opera, the aliens become Trekkies. The Star Trek phenomenon is no longer localized to the planet Earth and is now truly interstellar. Garrett Wang, of Voyager fame, finally gets a decent post-Star Trek roll from an alien species. Mr. Wang wins an Academy Award.

Scenarios 2 Solution: Might not seem very apocalyptic but Nostradamus wrote something like, “When they start handing out Academy Awards to anyone, watch your ass.” The only solution in this case is to hire Denise Crosby for Trekkies 3, make lots of money, and hide in a bunker (preferably letting the Random Idiot hide with you). Or preempt the “Return of the Wang” by cryogenically freezing Garrett for future generations to deal with.

Scenario 3: Aliens receive and translate the message. They send a ship that travels less- than-light speed. By the time they arrive at earth, the show is closed. Earth now has two choices: revive the show or face annihilation. Unfortunately, the only Klingon speakers on the planet are poorly acted fan fiction. The new run of the show is a dismal failure and aliens annihilate anyway.

Scenario 3 Solution: Cryogenically freeze all the cast of Star Trek. They can be thawed once a year for conventions. Really this is the solution for just about any problem in the future. Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, and Captain Archer can solve anything. (Captain Archer is there purely for comic relief).

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