Kittens For World Peace

I’m writing this blog entry at the Dog Park while my dog, Jasper, expends all his excess energy. Dogs are the same device Desmond from Lost guarded for years. Every one-hundred and one minutes, Desmond would enter a number sequence into a machine or the Island would explode. Every one-hundred and one minutes, my dog goes widely crazy. Walks, trips to the Dog Park, and throwing balls is the number sequence for my dog. We need to be especially observant of the number sequence because we have guests, two cats.

For those familiar with the feline/canine species interaction, two cats and a hyperactive dog are a potential nuclear disaster event. According to legend, the first atomic weapon was actually named “Fuzzy Boy.” Oppenheimer essentially locked a cat and a dog in a room. He attempted to create nuclear fission via the power of “fuzz.” Unsuccessful, Schroedinger was pretty pissed at Oppenheimer for ruining his experiment. As was the cat, who was asleep in the box until the introduction of the dog. Thus far, the interaction between my dog and the two new kitties have failed to recreate Oppenheimer’s results (a wet and pissed kitty).

The cats are currently receded to the furthest point possible under the futon in the guest bedroom. One of the cats is named Orion. He is the more adventurous one. As a consequence of his wanderings, he was the first cat to meet my dog. If I could translate the expression on the animals’ faces, their meeting went like this:

Jasper: Oh Boy! A new friend!

Orion: Oh my god! What the hell is that?

Jasper: I’d sure like to sniff you.

Orion: Keep that thing the hell away from me.

Jasper: Ok, so there some ground rules we have to cover.

Orion: For a cat, you are not really well kept. I don’t like it. You, man. Get me another.

Jasper: You’ll have to let me lick you whenever I want. And my mommy is in charge.

The exchange of hisses, growls, and the dog’s inability to understand that not every creature enjoys being sniffed in the butt went on for a while. Eventually through patience and understanding, I decided to take my dog to the Dog Park. Now the dog can run, sniff, and wander to his heart’s content. Meanwhile, Orion will become more acclimated to the house. The idea behind this tactic is simple. If they are too tired to fight, their next meeting will hopefully go like this:

Jasper: Hey.

Orion: Sup bro.

Jasper: Nothhing.

Orion: I still don’t like you.

Jasper: It’s cool. Hey I’m gonna go bark at the mailman want anything?

Orion: Naw, I’m cool.

The secret to pet ownership is not very complex. Give them so much activity that they become Stoners on a couch. If only people worked this way. We would have less problems:

Palestinian: You stole my lands bro.

Israelite: They were mine first bro.

Palestinian: That was like two thousand years ago man!

Israelite: What if we’re all just energy man… without time.

Palestinian: Whoa, bro. That’s heavy… pass the bong.

Errata: Apparently, the idea of making people too tired to fight, truly won’t change the world. After the Dog Park, I decided to stop by the local Sonic. Entering my house was going to be tricky. I had a Sonic drink, a computer, and the dog. The moment I walked out of my car, the mailman walked towards my house. The dog went berserk and the drink splashed all over me and the driveway. So much for world peace.

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