Kitten Pharmacuticals

This week on the Kitten and the Restless…

Kit Furcoat purrs her way into the Paws Club but not before Henrik Fuzzington confronts her about her long lost brother, Mewvius Furcoat. He was lost in the Amazon river basin with Jed Whiskerly, Xing Mew, and Catherine St. PurrMewSniff. Meanwhile, the mafia boss Scratch Biting and his henchmen, Hiss Growlsly and Narrow Eyed, sneak into the back of the Paws Club. Furcoat owes Scratch a few cans of wet food and he won’t take lounging in a sunbeam for an answer.

Whereas in my house the kitty is coming closer to her trek across the country. Everyday involves a dose of the kitty calming drug and a trip in the cat carrier.  The treatment seems to be working. During the first few days, I am pretty convinced she thought she was going to be dropped off at the local Nazi War Doctor Clinic (like the Mayo Clinic expect run by Nazi War Doctors). Now, she is only mildly annoyed with going in the cat cage once a day.

The strange part of the ordeal is the cat has bonded with me. I’m pretty sure for the same reason hostages form connections with their terrorist captors. During other parts of the non kitty get ready to go in the cat carrier parts of the day, she seeks out my attention. She even attempted for a solid petting while, gasp, the dog was close by.

Normally, Serena, unlike her name suggests, deals with the outside world with two emotions, fear and anxiety. Now she seems to enjoy the kitty existence. The cat carrier is probably the worst fate she will ever encounter in her life so a giant slobbering dog and a vacuum pale by comparison.

Are the drugs a source of her improved mood? The Vet did say to practice the cat carrier combo everyday until her flight. Or is the cat carrier experience a character building method? I’m not the cat expert. Though I do wish I had discovered this method with my cat Rose.

She was frightened of the world. When I first moved in with my wife (my girlfriend at the time), she turned to the kitty and in a sweet voice said, “Hi Rose.” The cat opened her mouth in terror and couldn’t even make a sound. She was terrified with abject horror. There was a safe in our closest. Rose used to hide in the safe, crunching herself as close to the wall as possible when Felicia would say hi to her.

Rose was my departed grandfather’s cat. During the last years of his life, he was rarely mobile, quiet, and had a nice big arm chair for petting. Rose had every terrified kitties’ dream home, a human to pet her and throw mouse shaped objects around the room. When Rose came to live with me, she moved into a house of three dudes. A house with three dudes, is almost like an thrice nightly apocalypse from a kitty’s point of view.

Sadly, when my girlfriend (now wife) and I bought a bed together (jokingly referred as our love is now quantifiable as $1000), Rose ran away. The bed movers left the door opened. We called the shelters and asked around. We never saw her again. I’d like to think Rose wandered into a little old lady’s house and is living her life of luxury. But realist in me knows what she is really doing: hiding in a secret base on Mt. Everest and planning to flood the world. The world will then at least give her some quiet.

Kitten Exodus

The household kitties are finally going back to their family… in Maine. For readers unfamiliar with the location of New Mexico, it’s somewhere between Guatemala and the United States. In order to return the kitties, they must be accompanied by an adult. Because the owner can’t medically fly, that leaves me. Humor writers often dream about the chance to do ridiculous acts. Now here is my chance.

Flying kitties isn’t really that crazy. Animals fly all the time. The crazy part is that I am flying out to Maine for the expressed purpose of escorting the cat. Usually the only escorts that fly to far locations at the expense of someone else are personal assistants of celebrities, like Tom Cruise. In my case, I’m the personal assistant of a cat.

Most assistants preform various tasks like buying a meal, standing in line at the checkout, and shaking Tom Cruise’s penis after he pees. My duties are pretty simple, make sure the cat is well drugged for the flight. The cat in question loves to claw at the cage, so much that she will hurt herself in the process. Because of this frantic seeking of removal from the cage, the vet won’t clear her to fly without an escort.

I’m sure there are plenty of celebrity assistants strictly there to keep their employer well medicated, like Lindsay Lohan or Scott Weiland’s assistant for instance. My task is take the kitty from New Mexico to Maine without the kitty hurting herself in the process. The task sounds simple but there are a few considerations:

The Cat Carrier: Stuffing a cat in a carrier is like trying to remove the blades of a lawn mower while the power is on. The drugs should help with the inevitable claw frenzy but kitties really have a knack for struggling. From the cats point of view, the cat carrier really only has one destination, Catschwitz. Only days later, when the fear subsides and they peak out from the bed will they realize they are happily united with their owner.

The Passengers: Babies crying on planes will annoy travelers. But the baby doesn’t know any better and the parents can’t exactly put their child in the cargo hold (although I’m sure if the option was there, many parents would). The low guttural mur of a kitty, may not inspire the other passengers to be quite so understanding. Lucky enough, I thought about the possibility of confrontation with another passenger and will say, “It’s not my cat.” Hopefully, the irony of the situation will inspire levity before I become the victim of an airport’s first ever briefcase related violent crime.

Time: When will the doped up kitty become more cogitative? Maine and New Mexico aren’t exactly “a flight in time for tea.” My total journey, including layovers, is about ten hours. The cat will have more than enough time to be aware of the in flight movie, Oscar’s Escape from Catschwitz. I can’t exactly open the cat carrier to re-dose the kitty, unless Samuel L. Jackson is there to help me find the cat in Angry Kitties on a Plane. But I plan to bring the cat food laced with a second dose if the cat becomes a danger to herself.

No matter want happens, the trip should be funny but hopefully not in the wacky, “I show up in Maine clawed, bruised, and with slew of wacky co-stars sort of way. “

5 DYI Weekend Projects

My wife loves HGTV. In every show, the cast transforms a house in the course of a half hour. Being a man that is not afraid to take action (via SCV’s in Starcraft II), I will roll up my sleeves and write about five home improvement projects someone else (I’m playing Starcraft II) can do on the weekend.

1. Paint – While easy in theory, the actual process involves about three hundred various steps, which have about twenty different grades of tools. I always thought paint involves a brush and paint. Aside from moving the furniture and placing paper on the floor, there is about three different types of chemicals to clean the wall, fifteen different putty knives to seal the holes, five hundred varieties of sandpaper to smooth the wall and that’s all before the primer.

For the uninformed person like myself, choosing the right tool for the job usually involves calling my wife (to find the variety of tool), then calling my wife’s father (to find the grade). I always thought sandpaper was merely sandpaper. Of course the process is repeated when I forget scraper, “The 2 inch, 5 inch, 7 inch?” Lucky for you, because you’ve read this column, you’ll know to call someone more knowledgeable than you ahead of time. You’ll have saved a lot of trips to the hardware store and have more time to stare at the tools confused about what to do next.

2. Laminate Floors – Most laminate floors (looks like wood, made from discarded Gobots) snap into place with a simple click. Unlike paint, the laminate floor has the alluring quality of seeming simple. Don’t believe it! It’s a trick! They do not snap into place so easily. The simple solution is paint a picture of Tony Danza, Che Guevara, and Judy Blume on the pieces of flooring. The frustration of “easy snap” pieces will be diffused by giggling when Judy wears Che’s hat (That’s not her hat! Hee! Hee! Ho!).

3. Cabinet Refitting – Why look at those cabinets made for Donna Reed in the fifties? New cabinets are simple. Replace the cabinet door! This project not only involves paint but also power tools. Most humor writers will warn of the limb thirsty drill in the hands of an amateur. I think power tools are actually very safe to use. Most people are fairly aware of how to not drill a hole in their palms (unless they are practicing for stigmata).

What they don’t realize is the humor potential of overpowered drills. Fun tricks are simple matter of setting up the scene. Simply place ketchup behind cabinet door, drill, and scream. Tricks like these usually work better with fake body parts. You’ll get extra bonus points if the doctor in the emergency ward actually considers reattaching the thumb.

4. Pet Doors – Unrestricted access to the outside is like tearing down the Berlin Wall of the pet world. Installing a pet door may seem a little scary with the giant hole to the backyard. However, making the hole is fairly simple and is achieved with various methods. The easiest is buy lots of booze, bowling balls, and invite the local touring Punk Speed Metal to sleep at your house. The downside is you won’t be able to choose the location of your pet door. Another option is antagonize your Civil War Cannonade Rein-actor Neighbor.  However, for those “hands-on” types, use a chainsaw. Wait till your children are home by themselves for extra laughs.

5. Doors – Replacing doors is pretty easy. Remembering the keys is the hard part. Explaining to your wife why the children ate each other while she was gone for the weekend is even harder. She won’t be impressed by your ability to survive in the backyard via the neighbors fruit tree. On the upside, you will be more attune with nature and you’ll finally be able to run freely with the wolves.