Stranger Than Action

My wife showed me a recent news article. I learned that the infamous weapons dealer Viktor Bout, aka the “Merchant of Death,” was caught and transported to New York. He apparently has been selling soviet weapons to various criminal and terrorist organizations. Who would have thought that action movies really do parallel real life!

Viktor Bout is a bad guy by pretty much any bad guy standards. He deals in weapons, has protection from high officials in foreign governments, and even a villianish mustache reserved for action movie bad guys or any American male in the seventies. Even his name is action movie nemesis, Viktor, with a k! He spells his name with a K because he is hardkore! You’ll find no wimpy c’s around him, just chicks, cash, and villainy, brought to you by the letter K.

The only way this story could get any better is if the arresting agent was an ex-special ops that was kicked out of the Navy Seals for too much killing. A bad guy as awesome as Viktor really needs an equally awesome action hero to bring an end to his evil reign. I think this is a job Bruce Giacock (he’s Austrian).

Bruce Giacock: I will end you.

Viktor Bout: Not before we fight to the death in an industrial complex.

BG: Only if my shirt is torn to show my raging muscles.

VB: I’m equally as ripped too!

BG: Ever notice how titanic muscle men are no longer popular like they were in the eighties?

VB: What ever happened to Conan, The Beastmaster, and the entire cast of Predator?

BG: I know! Adrian Brody is the star of the new movie, Predators!

VB: He doesn’t have raging muscles! How can he lay thunder down on fools?

BG: We should unionize!

VB: Yeah! Gigantic men wailing on each other should be in every action movie. Screw those thinnies like Christian Bale! We’ll call ourselves Muscles. Any potential member must have biceps the size of Oprah’s thighs.

BG: You’re right! I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

VB: It’s ok.

They hug… the music swells. Credits roll to Bruce, Viktor, Jessie Ventura, Arnold, and other “Muscles” in an actor’s strike.

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