Tactical Shopping

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

Holiday shopping is easier with a bazooka. Rather than wait in a super large line of traffic for a parking space to open up in Egypt, the simple solution is blow up the cars and make your own damn parking. Or you can always take the risk and park in the handicap space. However, that may involve getting in a fist fight with a handicap person. These reasons are why I propose to start a boot camp for holiday shopping.

In order to learn the survival skills necessary to navigate the Vietnam jungle, or more commonly known as the mall, people can take my six week course. Highly trained military experts will prepare the holiday shopper for hordes of angry customers, overworked clerks, and those creepy animatronic Santas that are replacing the Salvation Army bell ringers. The holiday shopper will learn basic skills to survive the shopping season such as hand to hand combat, sniper training, hostage negotiation skills, and espionage. The camp will have everything a person needs to have a successful holiday season.

New recruits will be left in the jungle without food or drink for five days, mainly to prepare them for the wait at the food court. After they learn to eat live snakes, bugs, and other decaying jungle matter, they will finally be prepared for the quality at the food court. Logically speaking, the mall food should be better in the holiday season, because the bourbon chicken hasn’t been sitting out for five days. However, in order to sustain the same quality during the holiday rush, malls acquire all their bourbon chicken from a factory that lets the food sit out for five days before shipping anything. Don’t ask where the hot dogs on sticks come from.

Special weapons training is provided for urban combat. Trainees will use flash bangs when trying to acquire the last Chicago Bears hat before the old lady whom will always get there first. The most powerful force on the planet is an old lady shopping, especially when there is a sale.

Back in my Walgreen days, I witnessed a cataclysmic clash when my manager got in a disagreement with an old lady over a thirty cent coupon. The lady threw her purse across the store, and stared down my manager like she was going to shank him. My manager in his infinite manager wisdom said, “Clean up at the front register.”

Hand to hand combat training, will be taught by Jackie Chan. With all the gift wrapping paper, animatronic Santas, and holiday decorations around, you never know when these items will be useful in fight. Should a holiday brawl occur, those giant candy canes in the “cry on Santa’s lap area” are really foam. Though the heart of comedy is to see an elf beating Santa with one. The canes are not really effective weapons, unless you are Jackie Chan. Everything is an effective weapon to Jackie Chan.

Here are some examples of what Jackie Chan will teach you:

1. That kid trying to get the last Stretch Armstrong is a really a easy target for a drop kick to the head.

2. Do all your own stunts and not like Steven Segal. He jumps off the last two steps on a flight of stairs as a stunt.

3. Owen Wilson makes a good sidekick.

4. Don’t laugh when you see me buying a Jane Austin movie or I’ll drop kick you to the face.

Finally, the last thing you’ll learn to become an effective holiday shopper is how to deal with those creepy animatronic Santas. It’s very simple. Don’t. Have you ever read Steven King’s Monkey Shines?

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