The Goonies – 2005

In celebration of visiting Oregon this Christmas, I decided to round up an Oregon related Bunny Droppings file. Ever wonder what those Astoria based 80’s adventurers are doing twenty years later? Here’s a chance to find out:

Chunk – Became a male stripper. Incorporated the truffle shuffle into his set. Widely successful. Had three seasons on Saturday Night Live. Died of a cocaine habit.

Mouth – Works as a translator for the Secret Service. Caused an international incident while house sitting for George W. Bush. Now lives in Des Moines.

Mikey – Never really did find a girlfriend despite Andy’s encouragement. Everyone thought the inverted penis was a joke.

Data – In competition for every Asian stereotype, he is the owner of a large robotics company. Comical mishaps later, he created Number 5 from Short Circuit.

Brand – Blew all his money in Vegas. Works as a gas station clerk in Astoria. Can sometimes be seen riding a little girl’s bike in the backyard. Humming to himself.

Andy – Bitter after Brand blew all his money in Vegas, she turned to a life of using men. She bought fast cars as used the rear-view mirror to look down their shirts.

Stef – What would she do without her glasses? Lasik surgery.

Sloth – Became a body model for Calvin Klein – CK-IT. Does slam poetry on weekends.

The Fratellis – Winner of the Oregon State Penitentiary Barbershop Quartet Award. Sloth is the mysterious fourth member.

Update 2010:

Chunk – After the James Doohan Disaster, less important ashes were rocketed into space. Other ashes included in the capsule are President Adar, Moff Jerjerrod, Wilhelmina ‘Willie’ Scott, and Crispin Glover.

Mouth – Caused another international incident under the Obama administration. Now he is never allowed in North Korea again.

Mikey – After reconstructive surgery, he became a porn star. The old Mikey would never kiss the painting. The new Mikey always kisses the painting.

Data – Sick of Asian stereotypes about technology, he sold everything. He now lives in a wigwam chanting, “Om… lali lali. Om… lali lali” for twenty three hours a day. The other hour, he speaks to the public, whom line up for miles hoping to hear wisdom. He tells them the importance of opening a 401k early. The public leaves miffed. They wanted to hear “Confucius type wisdom and shit.”

Brand – He is now the manager of the gas station. The little girl’s bike collection in his garage is a little disturbing but mostly harmless.

Andy – Fast cars and rear-view mirrors are part of the past. She is now seeking to reconnect to her roots in Astoria. The romantic comedy brews when she happens to meet Brand at the gas station. Unfortunately, she later opens his garage and finds the bikes.

Stef – What would she do without her glasses? With her new found vision, her path is clear: world domination. She currently resides in a tropical island volcano.

Sloth – After the kid from Mask toppled his modeling empire, Sloth needed a change. He focused his vast wealth and time to documentary film making. Unfortunately, documentaries like The High Cost of Low Prices, Super Size Me, and The Cove, beat out his self proclaimed masterpieces: Baby Ruth, Rocky Road, and Sloth Loves Chunk.

The Fratellis – Now that they are finally out of prison, they opened a restaurant. Unfortunately, The Fratelli’s Hideaway’s famous dirt flavored water and hand tossed in your face pizza really keeps them struggling for honest work.

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