A Cake New World

Ideas That Won’t Change The World usually deals with innovative and fresh ideas that are pretty much useless. Today is different. The world will change from an idea so genius that Stephen Hawking will have to reserve a seat on the little yellow school bus. Behold the pinnacle invention of the future, the food printer. Throw out that new 3d TV! Be the envy of all the neighbors with a carrot cake decorated like Carrot Top!

Why bother the fine artisans at cake shops throughout the country to write dirty words on a cake? For the price of a new laptop, it can be done at home! The Internet teaches a valuable lesson in fanciful language that will now be a part of the dessert world. For those that think the Internet is an invention of Al Glore, I have a secret. The “Internet” (AKA: The Online, The Interwebs, The Fan-dangled Device, and Perry’s Perversion Palace) is really a vast network of thirteen year-old boys learning to utilize a vast array of vocabulary skills. Log into any “chatroom” (AKA: Hang Out, 40 somethings, 30 somethings, Child Predatorsomethings), and the vocabulary skills will be at work:

Playa2341: This ******* **** is ***! Why ***** ***** **** **** *** *** *** ice cream **** *** *** *** *** bodega ***** *** **** **** Josh Hartnett *****  *** *** ******* ***** **** **** *** **** **** **** The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Now imagine combing the vast computing power of thirteen year-old boys with a cake decoration printer. Little Johnny’s birthday won’t be the same again. However, as global citizens of the planet, progress doesn’t stop for those that refuse to hop on board so sign me up for the food printer. Just don’t ask me to make the cake for your next party.

10 Tax Return Ideas

Tax season is here again and we all know what that means. Weeping in fear from being attacked as a kid by the Statue of Liberty. Aside from disturbing roadside dances, taxes mean big money. A giant check of money is very tempting to blow entirely on silly things such as creating an army of Barry Bonds Bobble Heads. However, there are smarter uses for gobs of money that will offer more long-term satisfaction. And what better way to spend tax money, than on the advice from some random idiot on the Internet:

1. Give your tax return to me. Really, I’m not joking! As a humor writer, I often envy such high paid business sharks like Bob Cratchit. If you give your money to me for writing humor, you’ll be an official Patron of the Arts. You’ll be the toast of any party. Just don’t tell them what arts you patron.

2. Twinkies. Spend the entire return on Twinkies. I know food is often not a long term investment. Trust me when I say, Twinkies will last longer than you do.

3. Adopt fifty cats. This is a win for everybody involved. The animal shelters are over crowded and the cats need a home. Some people spend all their lives becoming the Cat Lady (or Man), you can do it in a weekend!

4. Keep buying the same pair of egregious pants from Goodwill and donate the pants back anonymously. Watch with pleasure as you confound the staff. The pants will become legend.

5. Use the entire wad on stamps and thank you cards. Thank random people listed in the phone book for strange things. “Ted, love the chinchilla!”

6. Buy everyone at a bar a drink… of warm milk. Sing lullabies until you are kicked out.

7. Buy a head mask of Eric Stoltz and attempt to pick up on women. Don’t try to hide your feminine parts if you are a woman.

8. Try to cheat at a mafia poker game with Magic The Gathering cards. Threaten to cast Force of Will if they try anything.

9. Hire a bodyguard to follow you around work. When co-workers inquire, look around, tell them the location of your last vacation, touch your nose, and scamper away. Then use all your vacation and sick time to disappear for a while. Let one of your co-workers “discover” you in the parking lot, disheveled and in tattered clothing.

10. Married by Elvis in Vegas. Sometimes, memories are worth more than money.

Double Dream Hands Horror

My wife found what surly will be the scariest movie of 2011:

For those of you that lack words to describe what you just watched, you are not alone. I showed this to my class yesterday. My class is intelligent. They are college students, full of words. However, even those in the path to higher education lacked the words to describe the moment just after the video ended. Their faces were a mixture of confusion, amusement, and abject horror. My wife described the look as a “cat caught in a uncomfortable situation.”

No matter how intelligent the viewing audience, the moment is what I like to call the “WTF” moment. What is this man doing? Why did we watch this? Is my teacher on some sort of drugs?

In order to come to terms with the “WTF” moment of the Double Dream Hands Horror, I have created the “Double Dream Hands Study Guide.” Teachers and students alike can finally figure out what this man is doing:

Double Dream Hands Study Guide.

1. This man suffers from some sort of mental disorder. He wakes up each morning. His mom dresses him in a Khaki and Polo. In the basement of his mother’s house, he dances. Attempting to cash in on her son like David After Dentist, the video appears on YouTube.

2. The man is really Freddy Kruger (as one of my students put it). The Charleston freestyle at the end is really the moment where he is going to pop out of the screen and kill the viewer.

3. The yellow polo is actually the uniform of a cult. The suicide pact of this cult is a little different. The cult is attempting to make the rest of the world commit suicide via awkward dance so the goofy may inherit the earth.

4. He is a serial killer. The dance is how the victims know he is close. Picture a dark hallway. The heroine sees movement out of the corner of her eye. She hears faintly in the distance. “Crank. Shoulder. Chin. Shoulder. Pat. Double Dream Hands.”

5. Screw trying figure out this guy! College Professors everywhere should start each class with a dance routine like Double Dream Hands. My students will certainly be snapped into attention, if not slightly disturbed.

6. Alien Invasion Force… Think about it. A man in his forties, wearing a polo, does a dance that is somehow impossible not to watch. As another student said “He is a real life Napoleon Dynamite.” What better place to embed mind control than this video?

7. This gentleman is an agent of Cthulhu. Watch the video again and look at his grin. It has to be some sort of ancient evil ready to devour the world.

8. Possibly a failed So You Think You Can Dance audition… Almost every performance related reality television show has at least one “old guy” attempting to recapture his youth via an awkward audition.

9. This man is really Benjamin Button. Which means he certainly is acting his age.

10. Often the truth is not as exciting as the fiction. Now that I’ve built this man to be more myth than reality, he is a Children’s Dance Instructor. Maybe the truth is the key to understanding the video. Maybe only a child can really understand what is going on in the video.

Hang on… I hear something faint at the end of my hallway, “Crank. Shoulder. Chin. Shoulder. Pat. Double Dream Hands.”

2010 Did Not Change The World

From the robots that control reality, er I mean send automated emails from WordPress (my comments are in italics):

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is on fire!. Burnating the countryside! Burnating the peasants! And still not changing the world! I also wonder if every blog gets this rating.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,200 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s. Time to drop them in volcanoes and start my own religion.

In 2010, there were 56 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 9 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 313kb. That’s about a picture per month. There is a possibility of pictures changing the world so I avoid them.

The busiest day of the year was January 29th with 199 views. The most popular post that day was The USB World of Avatar. No, I’m not afraid of piggybacking on the success of others!

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were reddit.com, facebook.com, avatar-forums.com, stumbleupon.com, and thepinkfloydexperience.net. My goal for 2011 is foxnews.com

Some visitors came searching, mostly for manly bathroom, manly bathroom ideas, manly paint colors, cult ideas, and world. I’m not sure if this says something about me or humanity.

Best of 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010. The inflight movies of the 2010 Wont Change The World 747’s

1

The USB World of Avatar January 2010

2

To Explore Strange New Worlds; and Outsource Them. February 2010
2 comments

3

The Manly Bathroom January 2010
3 comments

4

Tips For The Aging Rock Star February 2010

5

If I Can Brush My Hair March 2010