Double Dream Hands Horror

My wife found what surly will be the scariest movie of 2011:

For those of you that lack words to describe what you just watched, you are not alone. I showed this to my class yesterday. My class is intelligent. They are college students, full of words. However, even those in the path to higher education lacked the words to describe the moment just after the video ended. Their faces were a mixture of confusion, amusement, and abject horror. My wife described the look as a “cat caught in a uncomfortable situation.”

No matter how intelligent the viewing audience, the moment is what I like to call the “WTF” moment. What is this man doing? Why did we watch this? Is my teacher on some sort of drugs?

In order to come to terms with the “WTF” moment of the Double Dream Hands Horror, I have created the “Double Dream Hands Study Guide.” Teachers and students alike can finally figure out what this man is doing:

Double Dream Hands Study Guide.

1. This man suffers from some sort of mental disorder. He wakes up each morning. His mom dresses him in a Khaki and Polo. In the basement of his mother’s house, he dances. Attempting to cash in on her son like David After Dentist, the video appears on YouTube.

2. The man is really Freddy Kruger (as one of my students put it). The Charleston freestyle at the end is really the moment where he is going to pop out of the screen and kill the viewer.

3. The yellow polo is actually the uniform of a cult. The suicide pact of this cult is a little different. The cult is attempting to make the rest of the world commit suicide via awkward dance so the goofy may inherit the earth.

4. He is a serial killer. The dance is how the victims know he is close. Picture a dark hallway. The heroine sees movement out of the corner of her eye. She hears faintly in the distance. “Crank. Shoulder. Chin. Shoulder. Pat. Double Dream Hands.”

5. Screw trying figure out this guy! College Professors everywhere should start each class with a dance routine like Double Dream Hands. My students will certainly be snapped into attention, if not slightly disturbed.

6. Alien Invasion Force… Think about it. A man in his forties, wearing a polo, does a dance that is somehow impossible not to watch. As another student said “He is a real life Napoleon Dynamite.” What better place to embed mind control than this video?

7. This gentleman is an agent of Cthulhu. Watch the video again and look at his grin. It has to be some sort of ancient evil ready to devour the world.

8. Possibly a failed So You Think You Can Dance audition… Almost every performance related reality television show has at least one “old guy” attempting to recapture his youth via an awkward audition.

9. This man is really Benjamin Button. Which means he certainly is acting his age.

10. Often the truth is not as exciting as the fiction. Now that I’ve built this man to be more myth than reality, he is a Children’s Dance Instructor. Maybe the truth is the key to understanding the video. Maybe only a child can really understand what is going on in the video.

Hang on… I hear something faint at the end of my hallway, “Crank. Shoulder. Chin. Shoulder. Pat. Double Dream Hands.”