Tax season is here again and we all know what that means. Weeping in fear from being attacked as a kid by the Statue of Liberty. Aside from disturbing roadside dances, taxes mean big money. A giant check of money is very tempting to blow entirely on silly things such as creating an army of Barry Bonds Bobble Heads. However, there are smarter uses for gobs of money that will offer more long-term satisfaction. And what better way to spend tax money, than on the advice from some random idiot on the Internet:
1. Give your tax return to me. Really, I’m not joking! As a humor writer, I often envy such high paid business sharks like Bob Cratchit. If you give your money to me for writing humor, you’ll be an official Patron of the Arts. You’ll be the toast of any party. Just don’t tell them what arts you patron.
2. Twinkies. Spend the entire return on Twinkies. I know food is often not a long term investment. Trust me when I say, Twinkies will last longer than you do.
3. Adopt fifty cats. This is a win for everybody involved. The animal shelters are over crowded and the cats need a home. Some people spend all their lives becoming the Cat Lady (or Man), you can do it in a weekend!
4. Keep buying the same pair of egregious pants from Goodwill and donate the pants back anonymously. Watch with pleasure as you confound the staff. The pants will become legend.
5. Use the entire wad on stamps and thank you cards. Thank random people listed in the phone book for strange things. “Ted, love the chinchilla!”
6. Buy everyone at a bar a drink… of warm milk. Sing lullabies until you are kicked out.
7. Buy a head mask of Eric Stoltz and attempt to pick up on women. Don’t try to hide your feminine parts if you are a woman.
8. Try to cheat at a mafia poker game with Magic The Gathering cards. Threaten to cast Force of Will if they try anything.
9. Hire a bodyguard to follow you around work. When co-workers inquire, look around, tell them the location of your last vacation, touch your nose, and scamper away. Then use all your vacation and sick time to disappear for a while. Let one of your co-workers “discover” you in the parking lot, disheveled and in tattered clothing.
10. Married by Elvis in Vegas. Sometimes, memories are worth more than money.