Alien Music Exchange

The recent discovery of many possible earthlike exoplanets is exciting to the probability of finding life elsewhere in the universe. The big question is what will we say to that first intelligent species we meet? I’d imagine Hello for starters. Maybe with a follow up question like Habla English?

After we do figure out how to communicate with the aliens, I think we should setup some sort of Art cultural exchange. Think about all the advertising revenue! Every time I pull up my Roku player and watch an episode on Hulu, I watch some sort of advertisement. Imagine an alien species all downloading stuff from Amazon Video on Demand, streaming via Hulu and Netflix Instant. Oh yeah, cultural understanding via art something, something.

There will be some conflict.  For example, Alien Metalheads (the hair is a wig) downloading Metallica through a file sharing network will be cause for interstellar war. Or when a single multi-tendriled being wins the Rock Band tournament. Lastly, when the Earth is sued for slander from movies like Independence Day. But the conflict is a part of life, and we can sooth anything over by offering the cast of the Twilight series to the aliens.

Imagine all the alien music and movies we’ll get in exchange! Multi-tendriled House. Pink Floyd’s the Force Field. Hive Family Guy. The possibilities are endless!

The Great Robot Race

Robots are about to embark on a right of passage shared by Olympians and The Biggest Loser contestants alike, running around a track over 400 times for a marathon. I am all for the robot revolution. I wistfully envy the vacuum bot in most households. Sign me up for the self loading dishwasher. But running a robot in circles over 400 times doesn’t seem like the most exciting sport to watch.

Game day. The crowd silences. The starter pistol fires. Some dude on a floor above is shot in the foot. The crowd cheers. Reporters frenzy with pictures. The tiny little robots start walking. A bit later… they are still walking. Some of the crowd wander away to get coffee. Again later… yep, more walking. The guy upstairs bled to death. Much later…. still more walking… WILL THIS RACE EVER END?

Finally… what feels like eons later… the race is drawing to a close. A robot is almost to the finish line that looks strangely like the last four hundred plus lines it crossed. The crowd, asleep, twitches a little. They are dreaming about pie. A reporter is stirred from his slumber. His ex-wife, whom remarried a diamond baron from South Africa, sent him a snarky wish you where here text message from a private island in Dubai. The robot is about to cross the finish line! Slow motion, as if the race could move any slower!

Queue the Chariots of Fire music! The robot is still crossing the finish line! The historical moment is about to slip by. He reaches for his camera, wondering why he his going in slow motion. He snaps a photo of his penis. Sends it to his ex-wife with a message, “Wish you were here… NOT!” He finally understands! He doesn’t really need her! She treats him like dirt! Why doesn’t he move on? She obviously has. Somewhere in the background, the race finishes with robot controllers hugging and cheering for each other.

The question remains. Why didn’t they make a robot race along a path like a real marathon? At least the scenery would change.

5 B-Rated Valentines Day Ideas

Love is in the air. Birds sing. Bees make honey. The population of America curls up with their loved one and hands them a special note. All this can only mean one thing, a big fat payday for Hallmark. I now present to you, “5 Ideas That Won’t Change Your Valentines Day” inspired by B-Rated Cinema:

1. Birds – Why do something sappy like unleash doves? Why not condors or vultures? I’m sure you’ll never forget this Valentines as you watch your loved one run down the street in terror.

2. Bees – Liven the bedroom with a hive of killer bees.

3. Teddy Bear – This year, breathe life into the stuffed fur bucket. Find satanic cultists, have them perform a ritual possession on the bear, and watch as the bear’s head slowly spins, completely around, while spewing profanities.

4. Chocolates – Life is like a box of chocolates. You’ll never know when out of control nanites unleashed from a Russell Stover will turn your partner into goo.

5. Flowers – Do they eat people? Are they a mind controlling Alien species in disguise? Unleash toxic gas? After the last four gifts, even normal flowers will be suspicious.

Barbarians Fear No Ragnarok

For the last couple of days, Albuquerque has suffered usually low temperatures. New Mexico is woefully unprepared for weather that may require long underwear. Luckily, our governor has declared a state of emergency for weather most states consider as a mild winter. Due to the extreme lack of long underwear in New Mexico, Ragnarok has begun. Luckily enough, New Mexico made a quality decision with their choice in governor to lead us through such a desperate time! That choice of course is She-Ra, the immortal image of bravery from an eighties cartoon.

Think about Susanna Martinez for a moment. She is not really a gay fearing politician with backward policies that will set back human rights by twenty years. Her blind eye to the overwhelming consensus of scientists behind the fact that carbon in the atmosphere is dangerous (and short term storms usually don’t relate to over all climate conditions), is really only a cover. When New Mexico is in crisis, she transforms by holding her sword high and yelling “For the Honor of Grayskull… I am She-Ra!”

Like any Barbarian from the eighties (Conan, Red Sonja, Alan Thicke), the only real viable solution to any problem is wildly charge into the situation with swords a fury. Her first order of business would be to take care of this “global warming conspiracy.” However, scientists lock themselves up like wizards in ivory towers (usually with some sort of clone-mirror-beast trap). Why bother taking the time to figure out the science (breaking the mirrors will make the beast weaker), when you can burn the entire tower down? Burning those lousy scientists will help warm the state during the bitter cold.

Barbarian hack and slash tactics don’t have to stop with evil wizards and their towers. She-Ra can fight the undead armies with a well placed attack on genetic research. Cloning, stem cells, and genetic research are really necromancers raising the dead for a nefarious strike on the population. While kidney disease patients wait for fifteen years for a organ transplant, the necromancers use sorcery to clone replacements to raise all those that died on the waiting list. They cast their genetic witchcraft to “cure” disorders like Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and various others by turning the patient into undead. Stem cells are not donated willingly by volunteer mothers after birth with tissue that is usually discarded but removed by dark ritual magic. Not to worry, She-Ra can summon Sarah Fury agent of T.E.A. P.A.R.T.Y. to fight off the hoards.

Domestic Partnerships Acts have plenty of misconceptions. Most are alleged to stop treating a group of people, whom really only want the same rights as any other American, like they are second class citizens because of sexual preference. She-Ra knows the real story. Domestic Partnership are acts designed to conscript those that made the choice to be gay (although, I can’t really think of the time when I chose to be straight). After they are conscripted, they are given Mongolian battle gear and spend their time pillaging good town-folk. The leader of this invasion force is naturally the villain from MST3K’s Cave Dwellers (seriously, he is wearing eye liner).

With the forces of light, truth, good, and overly dramatic voice-over, She-Ra will fight the hordes of Mongolian looking peasant slaying machines. The true test of any legendary Barbarian hero is fighting Mongolian looking extras. All the greats (Conan, Red Sonja, The Beastmaster, and of course Ator) passed the test of battling the Mongolian hordes before the rise to true heroism. She-Ra is only missing her plucky rogue sidekick and mysterious wizard friend. Luckily Joe Jonas and Donald Rumsfeld, have double lives too.