Love is in the air. Birds sing. Bees make honey. The population of America curls up with their loved one and hands them a special note. All this can only mean one thing, a big fat payday for Hallmark. I now present to you, “5 Ideas That Won’t Change Your Valentines Day” inspired by B-Rated Cinema:
1. Birds – Why do something sappy like unleash doves? Why not condors or vultures? I’m sure you’ll never forget this Valentines as you watch your loved one run down the street in terror.
2. Bees – Liven the bedroom with a hive of killer bees.
3. Teddy Bear – This year, breathe life into the stuffed fur bucket. Find satanic cultists, have them perform a ritual possession on the bear, and watch as the bear’s head slowly spins, completely around, while spewing profanities.
4. Chocolates – Life is like a box of chocolates. You’ll never know when out of control nanites unleashed from a Russell Stover will turn your partner into goo.
5. Flowers – Do they eat people? Are they a mind controlling Alien species in disguise? Unleash toxic gas? After the last four gifts, even normal flowers will be suspicious.