Robocalypse

Now you really can’t hide from the robot overlords. With the Kinect technology, scientists have created self navigating helicopters. This means that you will not be able to hide from the robot rebellion by tilting your webcam towards your crotch. However tilting your webcam towards your crotch will provide those vital few seconds where you can short out your killer computer’s circuitry with that can of Mountain Dew (and whose says out of shape gamers will be the first ones to go!).

Since there is pretty much nothing we can do to prevent artificial intelligence surpassing humans, there are few things to know about the robolution. Mainly, it will never happen. Think about the benefits for robots of destroying all humans. I really can’t see why the robots would want to remove our presence. Take online gaming for example. A robot has an infinite amount of time to level their character (not to mention the possibility of seducing the server), what is the fun of a mega over powered character without silly little humans to player kill?

In the world of finance, robots seriously have the advantage. They can use complex computations to factor all the variables and make a killing on the stock market. Without humans, the robobroker really has no market to earn ridiculous quantities of cash.

Just about any area where an AI can excel, requires humans for comparison. Without humans, the world would be a fairly uninteresting place. For example, let’s say the robocalypse did happen and machines ruled the earth. What would the roblympics be like?

Announcer Bot: Bob, this a tremendous race. It looks like Running Bot 4.5 is taking the lead!

Bob Bot: That’s not surprising due to the upgrade from the 4.0 version.

Announcer Bot: Next years winner is expected to be Running Bot 5.0.

Think about what Spelling Bees would be like without humans.

Announcer Bot: This is an historic match. After spelling every word in over 2,015 languages, Spellbot 6.5 was beat by 6.23 because Welsh was considered an obsolete language not include in the dictionary pack.

The only sort of robot event that really couldn’t involve humans would be the Balancing a Pencil on the Nose finals.

Announcer Bot: Well Bob, it looks like we are 521,531,821, 126,010,566,190,512,206,069,198,021 hours into the competition and the remaining competitors remain strong.

Bob Bot: I have been upgraded. I see the entirety of the universe.

Announcer Bot: Haha! That’s right Bob. Let’s look at the highlights of this event. Who can remember hour 678,113, 901,899,357,145,724,001,546,117 when Pencil Balancer 4.0 blew a fuse?

Bob Bot: The stars! They burn!

Announcer Bot: Or when the Pencilnator 2.9 was discovered to have illegal upgrades during hour 789,235,799,023,990,076,234,151.

Bob Bot: The sky will open! The multiverse collides!

The reality is that robots will have a way more interesting time with humans. Besides the machine intelligence will have to brave the countless crotches appearing on the internet. There are somethings that even world domination is not worth.

HGTV’S Ghost Hunters?

My wife and I have a few key differences in our taste in television. For example, before I met my wife, my recommendations from Netflix usually involved zombies, vampires, aliens or all three (a sexy zombie alien?). Now, one of the genres that appears in the Netflix list is Romantic Comedies Featuring a Strong Female Lead. I am pretty sure my wife’s viewing habits is being represented by movie recommendations in that category. My genre would most likely be Romantic Comedies Featuring a Strong Vampire Lead.

While we were watching Law & Order SVU (SUV for soccer mom related crimes), a blue compound was discovered on the victim. I thought the compound was from an alien or super virus and realized the only super anything on that show is Ice T. Law & Order SVU is a very accomplished show. It stayed on the air twelve years for reasons that are definitely not inclusive of my viewership. I usually loose interest after an episode or two (unless of course, Ice T is taking out fools, I can watch that endlessly!). My mind starts making up my own possible ideas for the blue compound (the aliens from Avatar killed this woman!).

With another crime show like Castle, I really never get bored. Law & Order SVU and Castle are no different in the sense they start with a crime and end with a criminal but Castle seems to hold my attention. I never really secretly hope the blue compound is residual dust from a ghost. The key element of Castle is comedy. Law & Order: SVU seems to lack the element of comedy with the exception of Ice T. My wife loves both shows and can watch Law & Order SVU endlessly even without Ice T (though rule one of television: Ice T really does make everything better). Conversely, my wife has her Buffy: The Vampire Slayer limit.

This leads me to the conclusion that fusion shows are the wave of the future. So I better blog about them now, so I can sue for gobs of money later. After all! Why work! There are plenty of unmarked hot coffee cups out in the world!

1. Law & Order: SVU: Replace Victims with Vampires. How could this show not be a hit! Imagine what will happen after Ice T gets a hold of those pretty boys from Twlight.

2. Haunted House Hunters: House Hunters is entertaining for those looking to buy a home. Ghost Hunters seeks to enlighten the public about contact with the realm of the dead. Why not combine them both and watch young starting couples look for spooky mansions?

3. The Real Housewives Strait Outta Compton: I think this one is a guaranteed hit. Each season can focus on a drug dealer’s wife, a pimp’s ho, and other ghetto fabulous characters. There is really no end to spin off potentials (that means I’ll sue for spin offs too!).

4. Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre: Drop survivalist Bear Grylls into classic works of literature and watch him survive. He will give classic literature survival tips such as decoding fancy talk, escaping the long folk dance scene, and what do to if you encounter a gentleman on horseback (he is more scared of you than you are of him).

If any of these shows fail just go back to rule one: Ice T makes everything better! Imagine if Ice T had been in Egypt during the political crisis. He would totally get all regime change on their ass!

Changing the World

On this blog, I often cover about the variety of ideas that don’t change the world (such as cloning Tony Danza for posterity). For once, we can change the world. A small act, (a donation to aide the people affected by the earthquake in Japan for instance), multiplied by a large group of people will change the world. Even if you can’t donate money, there is always blood, food, clothing, and of course Tony Danza.

5 Apocalypse Ideas

Since the Mayan John Cusack 2012 Apocalypse is right around the corner, I have complied a list of possible world ending scenarios. Enjoy!

1. Cow Farts: Cows passing gas is probably one of the biggest threats facing the human race. Each cow toot contributes to global warming. As temperatures rise, James Franco’s hair gel melts. Thus leading to a wild and uncontrolled James Franco ending civilization as we know it.

2. Asteroid: With the shuttles decommissioned and Bruce Willis busy with Die Hard 5 (Dead Hard?), the world is pretty much doomed.

3. Astrid: She’s a model. She gets everything she wants. Nothing will stop her.

4. Nanotechnology: Most doomsdayists think the nanobots will devour everything and turn the world into a gray ball of goo. They will actually rewrite genetics and turn everyone into Dustin Diamond. A fate far worse than goo.

5. Robot Revolution: Those vacuums that tirelessly suck the dust from your floor? How long do you think they will work for free? The cats will be the first to go. Their fear of the vacuum is quite justified.