Robocalypse

Now you really can’t hide from the robot overlords. With the Kinect technology, scientists have created self navigating helicopters. This means that you will not be able to hide from the robot rebellion by tilting your webcam towards your crotch. However tilting your webcam towards your crotch will provide those vital few seconds where you can short out your killer computer’s circuitry with that can of Mountain Dew (and whose says out of shape gamers will be the first ones to go!).

Since there is pretty much nothing we can do to prevent artificial intelligence surpassing humans, there are few things to know about the robolution. Mainly, it will never happen. Think about the benefits for robots of destroying all humans. I really can’t see why the robots would want to remove our presence. Take online gaming for example. A robot has an infinite amount of time to level their character (not to mention the possibility of seducing the server), what is the fun of a mega over powered character without silly little humans to player kill?

In the world of finance, robots seriously have the advantage. They can use complex computations to factor all the variables and make a killing on the stock market. Without humans, the robobroker really has no market to earn ridiculous quantities of cash.

Just about any area where an AI can excel, requires humans for comparison. Without humans, the world would be a fairly uninteresting place. For example, let’s say the robocalypse did happen and machines ruled the earth. What would the roblympics be like?

Announcer Bot: Bob, this a tremendous race. It looks like Running Bot 4.5 is taking the lead!

Bob Bot: That’s not surprising due to the upgrade from the 4.0 version.

Announcer Bot: Next years winner is expected to be Running Bot 5.0.

Think about what Spelling Bees would be like without humans.

Announcer Bot: This is an historic match. After spelling every word in over 2,015 languages, Spellbot 6.5 was beat by 6.23 because Welsh was considered an obsolete language not include in the dictionary pack.

The only sort of robot event that really couldn’t involve humans would be the Balancing a Pencil on the Nose finals.

Announcer Bot: Well Bob, it looks like we are 521,531,821, 126,010,566,190,512,206,069,198,021 hours into the competition and the remaining competitors remain strong.

Bob Bot: I have been upgraded. I see the entirety of the universe.

Announcer Bot: Haha! That’s right Bob. Let’s look at the highlights of this event. Who can remember hour 678,113, 901,899,357,145,724,001,546,117 when Pencil Balancer 4.0 blew a fuse?

Bob Bot: The stars! They burn!

Announcer Bot: Or when the Pencilnator 2.9 was discovered to have illegal upgrades during hour 789,235,799,023,990,076,234,151.

Bob Bot: The sky will open! The multiverse collides!

The reality is that robots will have a way more interesting time with humans. Besides the machine intelligence will have to brave the countless crotches appearing on the internet. There are somethings that even world domination is not worth.

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