This “Bud’s” for You

Despite the illegal status of marijuana in our country, pot technology continues to grow in a vast and profitable industry. I really don’t know any illegal substance that has specialty shops, Rastafarian vendors, and doctors on staff ready to prescribe “back pain” remedies. Yes, in most medical marijuana states, the wacky tobaccy is a doctor’s visit away from legal. The businesses that surround the substance seem to be a thriving enterprise.

To circumvent the “against the law” status of pot, the water pipe manufacturers created this sticker “For Tobacco Use Only”. Who in their right mind would use a six foot bong to smoke tobacco? I had a friend in college whom attempted to smoke tobacco from a one foot bong. He promptly turned white as a sheet and passed out. What’s up with that phrase turn white as a sheet anyway?

Three hardcore Crips are toking. Rap blares in the background. T-KillaDaKilla accidentally puts tobacco into the bong and lights up. He turns into a White guy.

T-KillaDaKilla: What’s that confounded noise? I am going listen to Taylor Swift and do my taxes. Do you have any Maalox?

S-KillaKillinKilledKillJoy: You trippin’ man!

For a substance that could theoretically land the user time in prison, the market sure seems to sell a lot of accessories for the stuff. My car broke down in a small town in New Mexico and sure enough, next door to the town mechanic was a pipe shop. These stores are on just about every major road in Albuquerque. I’d imagine the weed novelty shops are in just about every city in the country. The legalization of marijuana has not caught up with the industry.

There really isn’t any other illegal substance with the prevalence of entrepreneurship having products like designer roaches. You never see designer cocaine mirrors with psychedelic rolled up dollar bills. They don’t really make glass blown crack spoons. The stores have Bob Marley shaped pipes. What about Bradley Nowell designer syringes?

The marijuana cigarette (as the fifties voice over calls it) has more than just novelty trinkets. You can purchase a mobile hydroponic farm for all your 4:20 on the go needs. No, I am not joking. This of course begs the question. When the laws of the U.S. finally catch up to reality, will pot compete with ice cream vendors?

An ice cream truck twinkles down the street, pumping the familiar and slightly creepy chimes. Kids dash out of the house in droves. 

A beat up station wagon with a tye-die paint job and a Rastafarian driver plays “Smoke Two Joints”, and all the adults come running.

Roadside Oddities

Since the beginning of 2011, every morning on the way to work a strange Uncle Sam mouse guy was always trying to get me to purchase his tax scheme. He looked like a generic form of Mickey Mouse (kind of like the way brands like Mountain Lightning look like a generic form of Mountain Dew). The eyes of the suit were designed in such a way that I could swear they were looking right at me.

While I passed, I always imagined the guy saying, “Alright Kia, today’s the day you will do your taxes.”

And every day I responded, “But my dad’s an accountant! I’ve already done my taxes!”

Last week, I saw the guy take off the giant mouse head and walk dejectedly back through the parking lot. Somehow the victory over the allure of the mouse guy’s tax simplicity was a hallow victory. This guy had been diligently parading for the last four months with giant hands, statues of liberty, and an army of roadside tax oddities.

Let’s take a moment of silence for these unspoken heroes.

Let’s take the next moment to think about an unemployment line full of mice, statues of liberty, and the others.

Unemployment Worker: What skills do you have?

Statue of Liberty: I can scream at traffic.

UW: Any other non village crazy guy skills?

SL: I have foamy spikes on my head.

UW: Um right… well um… here’s your unemployment.

SL: Great, I’ll see you next year.

UW: Next. Name?

Mouse Guy: Uncle Sam Mouse Guy.

UW: What skills do you have?

MG: I will end that Kia.

And that folks is why you should never trust a mouse dressed like Uncle Sam.

The Man Boob

The “traditional” hard-headed beat the family into submission father really doesn’t have a place in modern family dynamics. I always hesitate to use the word “traditional” for generalized human behavior.  The buzz cut, dream squashing, pigheaded father figure really doesn’t follow any traditions that I know.

A mother prepares her new daughter-in-law for entering the family.

Mother: On Tuesdays, all the men in family tear up their children’s artwork and tell them to get a job, loser.

Today’s fathers are required to be more sensitive to the needs of the family. A man can’t really bully his way through life. Successful fathers really understand the need to adapt. For example, men can’t really demand dinner be on the table at a certain time unless of course they are doing it their “damn” self. Even if dinner is on the table by a certain time, it must be prepared correctly or it doesn’t count (and by correctly, I mean there are other spices besides chili powder).

Most men seem to have this biological imperative to eat the same thing day after day.  Men are driven by the “wrestle the saber tooth tiger and eat the still beating heart” biology. While women say, “Saber tooth tiger, again? I’m gonna go gather berries.”

200,000 years later, when the “saber tooth tiger” is in every Big Mac, women say, “McDonalds, again? I think I’ll just get a Jamba Juice.” So much for evolution.

If men really want to take an active role in their family life, they really need to understand the needs of a modern family. Pigheadedness is a prime example of evolutionary waste. When resources were thin, being a douche ensured survival. Now, stubbornness and refusal of new ideas are a serious evolutionary drawback.

For example, refusing to acknowledge that humans have a reproductive system by attempting to shut down Planned Parenthood seems like a drawback.

Religious Nutter Newscast: This just in! Humans have reproductive systems! My entire worldview is shattered! The end must be seriously nigh!

Those aware of the human procreation method and the ways to control it have a much better chance of success in life. They may only have one or two kids but do crazy things like plan parenthood. I imagine a kid in a family with successful high paying career parents will have more opportunity than a family that uses college savings for a two thousand kid mobile share plan. While a child really can be successful regardless of their circumstance, I think parent should at least make decisions with their kids future in mind.

The family with the “great mystery of the human reproductive system” mentality seems to also be against Stem Cell research. Who can blame them for wanting to halt what will probably be the next step in evolution when they stopped evolving fifty years ago? My kids will probably be living well into their one hundred and fifties, with a head start through wise economic and family decisions from my wife and me. Adaptability to new ideas, no matter how much they shatter world views seem to be pretty important.

I really would like see protesters protesting the Planned Parenthood protests. The signs alone will be worth the spectacle:

“Every sperm is sacred! Lock up your Victora’s Secret catalog!”

“Make my decisions for me! What color should I paint my living room?”

“Down will OPP” (My friend actually protested with this once)

Really, if we want to take the next evolutionary step and prove that men and women share equal responsibility in the household. We got to popularize the Man Boob. Aside from the obvious sex appeal, (think Meatloaf in Fight Club, and Meatloaf is a man that sure knows his sex appeal (It’s because he’ll do anything for love except that (got to have boundaries somewhere (I’ve always wanted a fourth parenthetical)))), men can build nurturing and bonding instincts through breast feeding… on second thought, that’s a bad idea.

Ruses To Avoid Paying Taxes

April 15th is a mere week away and for those that owe money to the federal government, don’t worry! The government is going to shut down! The few left over federal employees will be too busy with the chaos that ensues from the all the park rangers going on unpaid furloughs. Maybe one of my ideas may actually change the world:

1. In your tax packet write, “I’m sorry. I died and can’t pay.” This one has the potential to set you up for life.

2. Pay them in “Google Dollars.” Proclaim you are a citizen of the new Google country.

3. List the entire country of North Korea as your dependents.

4. Put on a baseball cap. Pout and sequel “I’m a professional baseball player and I don’t have to pay taxes.” (My wife actually did this one when she was kid to avoid bedtime).

5. Put a postage stamp on your head. Walk into the IRS office. Tell them you are a strongly worded letter and inanimate objects don’t have money.

6. Tell the feds you don’t have enough cash because you spent it all on 5,000 pounds of fertilizer and a van. Residents of Guantanamo Bay don’t have taxes!

7. Send them a family photo instead of what you owe. After all, a picture is a priceless treasure.

8. Offer your best mount in World of Warcraft as payment. Player Kill their character right as you are about to make the transaction. Type P0wn3d N00b! That will teach the IRS to mess with you!

9. Fake mustache. Phony French accent. Pretend you are a foreign dignitary. Works every time!

10. When all else fails, sucker punch. Then run.