The Man Boob

The “traditional” hard-headed beat the family into submission father really doesn’t have a place in modern family dynamics. I always hesitate to use the word “traditional” for generalized human behavior.  The buzz cut, dream squashing, pigheaded father figure really doesn’t follow any traditions that I know.

A mother prepares her new daughter-in-law for entering the family.

Mother: On Tuesdays, all the men in family tear up their children’s artwork and tell them to get a job, loser.

Today’s fathers are required to be more sensitive to the needs of the family. A man can’t really bully his way through life. Successful fathers really understand the need to adapt. For example, men can’t really demand dinner be on the table at a certain time unless of course they are doing it their “damn” self. Even if dinner is on the table by a certain time, it must be prepared correctly or it doesn’t count (and by correctly, I mean there are other spices besides chili powder).

Most men seem to have this biological imperative to eat the same thing day after day.  Men are driven by the “wrestle the saber tooth tiger and eat the still beating heart” biology. While women say, “Saber tooth tiger, again? I’m gonna go gather berries.”

200,000 years later, when the “saber tooth tiger” is in every Big Mac, women say, “McDonalds, again? I think I’ll just get a Jamba Juice.” So much for evolution.

If men really want to take an active role in their family life, they really need to understand the needs of a modern family. Pigheadedness is a prime example of evolutionary waste. When resources were thin, being a douche ensured survival. Now, stubbornness and refusal of new ideas are a serious evolutionary drawback.

For example, refusing to acknowledge that humans have a reproductive system by attempting to shut down Planned Parenthood seems like a drawback.

Religious Nutter Newscast: This just in! Humans have reproductive systems! My entire worldview is shattered! The end must be seriously nigh!

Those aware of the human procreation method and the ways to control it have a much better chance of success in life. They may only have one or two kids but do crazy things like plan parenthood. I imagine a kid in a family with successful high paying career parents will have more opportunity than a family that uses college savings for a two thousand kid mobile share plan. While a child really can be successful regardless of their circumstance, I think parent should at least make decisions with their kids future in mind.

The family with the “great mystery of the human reproductive system” mentality seems to also be against Stem Cell research. Who can blame them for wanting to halt what will probably be the next step in evolution when they stopped evolving fifty years ago? My kids will probably be living well into their one hundred and fifties, with a head start through wise economic and family decisions from my wife and me. Adaptability to new ideas, no matter how much they shatter world views seem to be pretty important.

I really would like see protesters protesting the Planned Parenthood protests. The signs alone will be worth the spectacle:

“Every sperm is sacred! Lock up your Victora’s Secret catalog!”

“Make my decisions for me! What color should I paint my living room?”

“Down will OPP” (My friend actually protested with this once)

Really, if we want to take the next evolutionary step and prove that men and women share equal responsibility in the household. We got to popularize the Man Boob. Aside from the obvious sex appeal, (think Meatloaf in Fight Club, and Meatloaf is a man that sure knows his sex appeal (It’s because he’ll do anything for love except that (got to have boundaries somewhere (I’ve always wanted a fourth parenthetical)))), men can build nurturing and bonding instincts through breast feeding… on second thought, that’s a bad idea.


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