The Homeless Monologues

These appear in a book of various comedy monologues, plays, and sketches.

1: Did you know reptile aliens have infiltrated our government? I ain’t just talkin’ ‘bout that show V. I’m talkin’ for real life. They’s been on this planet for years passin’ their bloodline from person to person. Every president is alien. They’s jus’ look like people. But they ain’t people. It ain’t jus’ politic like folk. But that kid Justin Bieb-head. He’s alien too! I swear! I seen him! In concert, his tongue go out like a snake! Sort of like Gene Simmons but forked! You know what they want? For you to be sad! But I ain’t sad nossir. I gots plenty of things been happy about. My can opener, dog eared copy of “Catacha in d’Rye”, giant reptile spottin’ glasses, the unauthorized Bob Dylan bio-graphy, and an ipod, no charger though but musics in the head all the same. What more co’ a person want? Well, other than freedom of the –uman race from been sad. Funny, I was all sad, worrin’ bills, my house payment, workin’ fiddy hours a week, fightin’ w’ everybody. But then I figure the aliens was makin’ me sad. Now I sit in the sun all day and I ain’t sad no more. Funny how aliens change everythin’.

2. A homeless person has a guitar. He/she sings about the people he/she sees. If they have red shoes and they giggle when their song is played, the homeless person incorporates the shoes and the giggle into the song. After two minutes of singing about the watching crowd, the passing rapid ride, etc. the music will crescendo in to a finale. The homeless person will fall asleep happy.

3. It all started in this tent back in the sixties. I saw Jerry Garcia’s head swell up like a big balloon. I knew that Jerry’s head was forever! Back in that tent we all knew what love was. My mom knew love. She named me Biblo Baggins. After her lawn dwarfs. Don’t be making funny of those lawn dwarfs. They were the best brothers and sisters a dollar at the thrift store can buy. I know you rich kids don’t understand. When you’re in the poorhouse, lawn dwarfs is all you’ve got. What’s wrong with thrift stores anyway? My family was living off food from the dumpster and clothes from the thrift store. We even couldn’t afford to give any food to the cat. So the cat ate my brother’s ear. It’s a good thing my momma had duct tape or else I’d have no one to talk too. But now, I have Jerry Garcia and you. Hold me… Oh, you got a little girlie (or boyie) friend. Well, let me tell you something about the girlies. When I saw this pretty girl walking down the street, I wanted to walk right up to her and say hi, but I didn’t. I was too scared, I guess. I felt so bad because she probably thought I was ignoring her, so I followed her home and hid in her trash can with flowers I picked from her bushes. But then the police went and showed up and ruined the whole moment. That’s why you always treasure love. Cause no matter how many restraining orders, no matter how many times you hid in her trash can sniffing her half eaten sandwiches, no matter if she shoots the gift you brought her with a break barrel shotgun, love will always, always bring you back.

4. I killed him. He’s dead. I really tried to be a good parent. You always want the best for your child. The right schools. A good college. A wonderful person to settle down with. Then you will have grandchildren. You’ll spoil the grandchildren… I won’t have any of that now. He passed on in the morning… When I found out, I couldn’t really say anything. It’s like the words were crushed in my stomach and there was this giant pressure on my chest… I couldn’t breathe and I most certainly didn’t want to live. I could have prevented it. Maybe if I said something… Had a talk. I never understood why my father always wanted to talk. I understand now. I never talked. I figure that he’d figure it out, or school would tell him. Like I figured it out. There is nothing I can do now. Only what I could have done…

5. There is seventeen pudding snacks in rows. A homeless guy teaches them. Good morning class… Very good! Now on with… Timmy, you put that away. Today’s lesson is stereotypes. Timmy, I swear to god, I will… thank you. Can anyone tell me the definition of a stereotype… That’s right a generalization of behavior. Can anyone tell me a stereotype about homeless people? No Timmy, they don’t all think they are Jesus. Martha? Crazy! Yes crazy! That is a stereotype. Timmy, if you disrupt class one more time, I will take action. That’s it! The homeless person eats one of the pudding cups. That’s right Timmy. You were a very naughty boy. Now class, can anyone tell me why stereotyping homeless people is wrong? It’s ok Timmy. It will all be over soon. Correct! Not all homeless people are crazy! What should you do if you ever meet a person that stereotypes a homeless person? Timmy… I do this because I care… that’s right class! Wave pointy objects at them! If they don’t get the point! Then what’s the point of proceeding? I mean besides the pudding. Oh Timmy, you are delightful!

6: Don’t worry. You are safe here with me. Most homeless people get a bad rep for being strange and off-putting. People are afraid that they will be mugged or raped or something. They have nothing to fear with me. I rape the rapists so to speak. See this arm. Taps on his arm and makes a fake metal clanking sound. I got this in New York. Central Park didn’t always used to be some fancy wonderland. It was full of rapists. The NYPD needed a hero to clean out all the rapists and that hero was me. I was killing rapists, left and right. I took them out with a couple of power moves. I also picked up some items along the way. Just when I thought I was unstoppable, the boss rapist came to get me. He was a big dude with all sorts of muscles. The fight was epic. He threw punches, kicks, power moves, and minions just kept coming. But I beat him. He took my arm. That’s when I learned life ain’t no video game. Though the mayor is going to have me clean up the trash of this town in my sequel.

7: Duck! Ha! I am just kidding! I always like to make sure people are paying attention. I throw them off guard. It stimulates the synapses. Fuck! Shit! Whore Burger! Nope. I don’t have Aspergers. That’s my new fast food place. The Fuck Shit Whore Burger. Ok, picture this: a family is sitting around the house and the mother says, “Why hello my wonderful spic and span family. What will titillate the senses with most divine glory of true tastesation!” The kids: “The Fuck Shit Whore Burger!” The toys in the kids’ meals are the best part! Free dildos, vibrators, and personal invention of mine the vagina-boob (two of my favorite pieces of anatomy in one (Thanks Chris for this joke!). Don’t give me that look. If you don’t teach kids about sex, they will learn about it from a fucking giant singing Velociraptor. There are plenty of cultures that use the penis as a road sign, why can I make mine a collectable set of five different colored singing and dancing penis toys? They will match my new television series. The Fuck Shit Whore Burgerler and his five different colored singing and dancing vaginas and penises. The Vagina-Boob is a friendly mail carrier. The show celebrates fucking diversity.


Today is Rapture Day and I think we spend too much time focusing on the negative. Why not focus on the positive! Here some great things that will happen after the Rapture:

1. No more missionaries knocking on your door when you have something else you’d rather be doing. You will never have to explain to anyone why drinking beer in your underpants is part of your religious ideology.

2. Rapture can now be a word that everyone loves: the combination of Rap and Overture.

3. Schools can finally teach evolution. As an added bonus, people will finally stop arguing via bumper emblems.

4. Gay people of the world, it’s now truly OK to be gay! Jesus will finally get a chance to tell people that a guy doesn’t keep twelve good looking dudes around at all times for “intellectual companionship”.

5. Stem Cell Research will finally get a chance to save lives. I think Family Guy really sums up this one:

6. Planned Parenthood can now have a friendly inviting front lawn. Protests will be used for noble causes like hiring people to hold the “Shame On” banners for not using union workers.

7. My wife says the post rapture days sales will have plenty of deals. I’m sure Kohl’s already has a flyer.

8. Hotels will now have copies of the unofficial Marky Mark biography instead of the bible.

9. Finally! A way to design a moral structure for society in the year 2011 rather than the year zero!

10. Even if the rapture really did happen today, I don’t think anyone would really notice. Consider all the different Christian based religions out there with different heaven entry requirements. There is probably only one or two people that have fulfilled all of them.

Jim: Where did Bob go?

Fred: I think he’s on vacation.

Jim: He always talked about going to Costa Rica.

Apocalypse Prep 101

With 2012 just around the corner, the apocalypse is pretty nigh. You must be thinking to yourself, “Should I have a bagel thin or a doughnut this morning? Doughnuts are really good. But all that fat and calories! Maybe they should make doughnut thins. I’d eat a doughnut thin. OH MY GOD THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE AND I HAVEN’T PREPARED! I wonder how they would make the custard filled doughnut thin. I should really patent this idea. I remember when Mary made leg warmers in the seventies. She really should have got a patent.”

Worry no more! Idea’s That Won’t Change the World has your ultimate prepare yourself for the end of the world course guide.

1. The first step is various martial and weapon training, not to be confused with marital training that focuses more on urban combat. Not only will these skills be helpful in the event of zombie hordes but also when the remaining population goes crazy from the deprivation of such necessities like coffee, cigarettes, House, and Justin Bieber. You really don’t want to mess with mobs of angry teenage girls.

2. The next set of training is combat on a moving vehicle during a high speed car chase. Even though the depletion of most easy to drill oil reserves forced the industry to create drilling operations that would be impossible to keep running after a world economic collapse, there will still be tons of high speed car chases on desert highways (with Chevy Volts). When the crazy eyed guy with a mo-hawk jumps from his vehicle to yours, you better be prepared.

3. Postal delivery training. Yep. For some reason, the post office is a symbol of hope and freedom in the dark years to follow global doom.

4. MacGuyver training. For those of you who are too young to remember Richard Dean Anderson before he traveled to alien worlds fight guys with an Egyptian symbol on their head, he used to be able to make anything. With a toothpick, dental floss, and lighter fluid, he could take out an entire building. His skills of using materials off hand to achieve a goal deem him worthy of verb status.

Mo-hawk Guy: Hey Larry, is the car ready yet? I really need to jump from a moving vehicle soon here.

Larry: Oh yeah, I MacGuyered it.

5. Thunderdome preparedness. While Tina Turner still lives, the swift justice of Bartertown never dies. Even without Tina Turner, the concept of justice in the post apocalypse involves chainsaws. I wonder if the chainsaw is judicial precedent or merely a sneaky lawyer tactic?

6. One of the highly desired skills of post apocalyptic society is hair styling. Barbers will need to learn how to ensure styles maintain the shape through days or even weeks of hardships. If the hero is locked up for weeks, tortured, then tossed out with no food or water into the desert, they will still have immaculate hair. Even if robots hunt humans and force them to hide underground, hair specialists will still have gainful employment. John Conner fought terminators and looked good while doing it.

7. Kooky prophet training. When you need lead the survivors to the promised land of Boulder, Colorado (sorry Israel, the rebuilding of the temple was actually referring to a ski resort), there is nothing better than being versed in multiple religious ideologies. Today’s kooky prophet really needs to know a lot of different religions to convince people of the direct pipeline to god status. Back in the glory days of prophets, you could generally make shit up and get some followers. Now you really have to work at it. But not to worry! We have a Cult Ideas article here on Won’t Change the World.

8. Beer brewing. Arguably one of the more important after the rapture skills.

9. In order to sustain a good business, some will have to go back into the field of “the world’s oldest profession”. While we might have moral objections to such work, it’s really a necessary part of society. Most ancient social systems have a proud tradition of annoying sidekicks. What profession were you thinking about?

Sidekick Caveman: Are you really going to use all of that mammoth?

Caveman: Yes.

Sidekick Caveman: Even the spleen?

Caveman:Yes! Go bother someone else.

Jar-Jar: Yousa gonna die?

10. On Demand Story Telling. Hulu, Tivo, Netflix Instant and various on demand technologies are really changing the way we view entertainment. Since there really won’t be any new episodes, the on demand storyteller will be necessary for any campfire experience.

Storyteller: Behold, Jack discovered that the island was…


Storyteller: The man’s pancreas is inflamed! The doctors must operate! In a twist of fate, the Earthquake swallowed all the pain medication.


Storyteller: Buffy… Angel… Buffy… Angel… Buffy…


Storyteller: I am ruggedly handsome…

It broke! My bad!

Albuquerque is the filming location of In Plain Sight and Breaking Bad. For those of you living in a bubble that prevents access to the outside world, they are about witness protection and a high school chemistry teacher meth-cooker.  Of course, if you are living in a bubble without access to the outside, I’m not quite sure how you are reading my blog. In fact, I don’t even know if you know the term “blog” or even why the first paragraph of this post is dedicated to you. It should be though. You are stuck in a bubble! Through determination and force of will, you managed to escape the prison and now are on the outside! We welcome you and celebrate your ingenuity! This is the world my friend! Be free!

Screeeeeeeeech! Crash! Thud!

Oops. Should have told him about buses. I guess I really fucked that one up…

When I went to the grocery store the other day, there was a sign in the parking lot that read “IPS”. There were city police and a whole slew of people. Being a veteran of the media arts (I did co-write the prestigious Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer which will be remembered by a couple of people as the funniest movie they ever saw, thanks mom & dad), I knew exactly what was happening. The band, Insane Posse Sickos, was about to have a rival concert with their nemesis ICP (not to be confused with IBC – Insane Beer Clowns or HPV – Hydra Possessed Vegans). Being a big fan of good music, I decided to go shopping.

While I was shopping, I figured that Albuquerque really has two shows that really help each other. Those that eventually get in enough trouble with meth from Breaking Bad could eventually join the witness protection of In Plain Sight. Although for anyone who has lived here, Albuquerque is misleadingly large.

If the world knows each other by six degrees, everyone in Albuquerque knows each other by at least two. My friends write this funny (you should go watch it) web series. A student of mine watched it before she took my class. My neighbor is my wife’s ex’s best friend’s sister. My wife found a band on craigslist that needed a fiddle player. She wanted to make sure the founder of the band wasn’t a creep so she searched him on facebook. She was surprised to find out he was friends with me, my mom and my sister! Turns out he was a buddy of mine from high school that I hadn’t seen in years.

This is why characters seeking witness protection from Breaking Bad is an idea that won’t change the world. In a city where everyone knows everybody else, witness protection has a tendency to stand out. I can imagine Walter White with a new identity in a pet store.

Customer: Walter? My kid loved your chemistry class!

Walter: (bad European accent) My name is job.

Customer: Decided to give up high school? They can be murder. Anyway, I got this parrot.

Walter: (bad European accent) Job! My name is job! (pissed) Oh come on! You have me acting in some awful can’t think of your own original idea comedy sketch! I won an Emmy!

Thud! Whack! Thump!

Morgan Freeman: I wish I could tell you that Aaron fought the good fight, and Bryan Cranston let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but Albuquerque is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – Albuquerque life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Aaron would show up with fresh bruises. Bryan Cranston kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight him off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Aaron – that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him. I won an Oscar.