Apocalypse Prep 101

With 2012 just around the corner, the apocalypse is pretty nigh. You must be thinking to yourself, “Should I have a bagel thin or a doughnut this morning? Doughnuts are really good. But all that fat and calories! Maybe they should make doughnut thins. I’d eat a doughnut thin. OH MY GOD THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE AND I HAVEN’T PREPARED! I wonder how they would make the custard filled doughnut thin. I should really patent this idea. I remember when Mary made leg warmers in the seventies. She really should have got a patent.”

Worry no more! Idea’s That Won’t Change the World has your ultimate prepare yourself for the end of the world course guide.

1. The first step is various martial and weapon training, not to be confused with marital training that focuses more on urban combat. Not only will these skills be helpful in the event of zombie hordes but also when the remaining population goes crazy from the deprivation of such necessities like coffee, cigarettes, House, and Justin Bieber. You really don’t want to mess with mobs of angry teenage girls.

2. The next set of training is combat on a moving vehicle during a high speed car chase. Even though the depletion of most easy to drill oil reserves forced the industry to create drilling operations that would be impossible to keep running after a world economic collapse, there will still be tons of high speed car chases on desert highways (with Chevy Volts). When the crazy eyed guy with a mo-hawk jumps from his vehicle to yours, you better be prepared.

3. Postal delivery training. Yep. For some reason, the post office is a symbol of hope and freedom in the dark years to follow global doom.

4. MacGuyver training. For those of you who are too young to remember Richard Dean Anderson before he traveled to alien worlds fight guys with an Egyptian symbol on their head, he used to be able to make anything. With a toothpick, dental floss, and lighter fluid, he could take out an entire building. His skills of using materials off hand to achieve a goal deem him worthy of verb status.

Mo-hawk Guy: Hey Larry, is the car ready yet? I really need to jump from a moving vehicle soon here.

Larry: Oh yeah, I MacGuyered it.

5. Thunderdome preparedness. While Tina Turner still lives, the swift justice of Bartertown never dies. Even without Tina Turner, the concept of justice in the post apocalypse involves chainsaws. I wonder if the chainsaw is judicial precedent or merely a sneaky lawyer tactic?

6. One of the highly desired skills of post apocalyptic society is hair styling. Barbers will need to learn how to ensure styles maintain the shape through days or even weeks of hardships. If the hero is locked up for weeks, tortured, then tossed out with no food or water into the desert, they will still have immaculate hair. Even if robots hunt humans and force them to hide underground, hair specialists will still have gainful employment. John Conner fought terminators and looked good while doing it.

7. Kooky prophet training. When you need lead the survivors to the promised land of Boulder, Colorado (sorry Israel, the rebuilding of the temple was actually referring to a ski resort), there is nothing better than being versed in multiple religious ideologies. Today’s kooky prophet really needs to know a lot of different religions to convince people of the direct pipeline to god status. Back in the glory days of prophets, you could generally make shit up and get some followers. Now you really have to work at it. But not to worry! We have a Cult Ideas article here on Won’t Change the World.

8. Beer brewing. Arguably one of the more important after the rapture skills.

9. In order to sustain a good business, some will have to go back into the field of “the world’s oldest profession”. While we might have moral objections to such work, it’s really a necessary part of society. Most ancient social systems have a proud tradition of annoying sidekicks. What profession were you thinking about?

Sidekick Caveman: Are you really going to use all of that mammoth?

Caveman: Yes.

Sidekick Caveman: Even the spleen?

Caveman:Yes! Go bother someone else.

Jar-Jar: Yousa gonna die?

10. On Demand Story Telling. Hulu, Tivo, Netflix Instant and various on demand technologies are really changing the way we view entertainment. Since there really won’t be any new episodes, the on demand storyteller will be necessary for any campfire experience.

Storyteller: Behold, Jack discovered that the island was…

Click.

Storyteller: The man’s pancreas is inflamed! The doctors must operate! In a twist of fate, the Earthquake swallowed all the pain medication.

Click.

Storyteller: Buffy… Angel… Buffy… Angel… Buffy…

Click.

Storyteller: I am ruggedly handsome…

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