I appeared in “Movies You May Have Missed” this week. They are funny and talk about movies. So you all should check them out:
My wife and I have finally figured out how to really end any extremist activity that endangers the lives of innocent people: Dogs Not Jihads. Instead of supplying terrorists with training, weapons, and military tactics, we will give them a basket full of puppies instead. When given the option of acts of violence or a loveable dog, the choice is obvious.
The whole Osama Bin Laden ordeal could have been prevented way back during the cold war. When Osama went to the United States for training and weapons to boot the Russians out of Afghanistan, the US should have responded with a gift basket of puppies. Who can really declare jihad with a basket full of puppies on their doorstep?
Osama: Curse you American Pig… oh look… the one with a spot on his head loves his brother by licking his ear! I think I will name him Akbar-Jihad-Musta-Kill-Lot-of-American-Capitalist-Hate-Regime-Terror-Death-Destroy-Ali-Jab-Dak’har!
This idea that probably won’t change the world really doesn’t have to stop with dogs. Other cute animals can be used as well. Let’s say on the off chance you are a crazy separatist religious group located in the vicinity of Waco, Texas. You really aren’t bothering anybody, aside from brainwashing and a little sexual abuse. The FBI decides to have a dance off-
FBI: When your a jet your a jet all the way.
David Koresh: Um… can we have a stand off instead?
FBI: Fine, Broadway is obviously dead.
David Koresh: I beg to differ! We use this compound to rehearse numbers from Ritual Sexual Abuse, The Musical!
FBI: Let’s just have the stand off.
-stand off. Before you set fire to the compound and machine gun your way into history… look… what’s that. An FBI Agent is bringing something to the compound. It seems like a… yes, it is! A basket full of kittens! They are so cute. Look at them batting the little bow on the basket with their tiny little paws. That’s so precious. With such cuteness in the world, how can anyone even want to brainwash and sexually abuse anymore!
Of course there are always extremists assholes that are so heinous that they’d probably try to kick the puppies. So live animals aren’t always the answer. But the idea is the same. Make them so incredibly cute that they really couldn’t be mean to anyone. Imagine Hitler wearing a cute little sailor suit holding a giant lollipop. A man with a lollipop that big isn’t thinking about mass genocide.
The people of the planet can finally relax now that we have a way to deal with all human rights travesties. Hotel Rwanda can be a leash free zone by simply replacing the bullets with tennis balls. Some bunnies and flower baskets placed in the DMZ on the 38th parallel has way more lasting effects than landmines! You can’t even see the landmines to enjoy their beauty! Extremists of the world watch out, Japanese school girls will have your googly eyed cell phone trinket likeness any day now!
I watched a movie called The Battle of Los Angeles. The plot is a complex, intricate, masterminded web of… um… Ok… it’s a stunning metaphor for the plight of… um… a masterpiece of artistic…. um… Aliens attack LA. That’s pretty much it. Add a few CG aliens, some soldiers and that’s about enough for plot.
The characters of the movie… discover hidden truths about themselves… what it means to be human… learn the true value of… They pretty much fight the aliens. So during this epic conflict… battle to the death… slightly intense… sort of placid fight to the annoyed, they struggle to save the human race… the Planet Hollywood in LA… about two dead extras. For a movie that promises a Battle in the entirety of Los Angeles, there seems to be only about three people living in LA. Not to worry, only a couple of soldiers are stationed in LA too.
When the alien mother-ship blasts the city in an Independence Day fashion, no one is on the streets. During the bombardment of a military base, one soldier yells, “Incoming! Move it!” However, there is only one other person next to him looking at the exact same armada (and by armada, I mean only a couple of ships). I only wish the other guy said, “Duh! I see it! Who are you yelling at dude?”
Luckily enough, since there is only three soldiers and one pilot defending the western seaboard, a chick with a kitana joins them. Aliens with the technology to traverse the void of space attacking cities for kicks would probably have good defensive technology. However, swords and guns that remind me of those wild west cap guns found in cheap Albuquerque tourist traps, can penetrate their hulls. It’s good that the aliens have shields equivalent of cardboard. How much can three soldiers and a sword chick really do during an invasion?
The movie isn’t all action alien fighting sequences. There is fact a scene where Tyler is told that he can’t fly in the jet fighters. I really started to identify with the characters at this point. I’ve always wanted to fly in the jet fighters but they arrest me everytime I sneak on the Airforce base. Don’t worry Tyler! I feel your pain. I know your hopes, fears, and desires. You’ll get your chance, Tyler old buddy. Sure enough, Tyler is the only one that can fly the alien spaceship at the end.
The movie wouldn’t be complete without snappy dialogue like “I have got to get me one of those” (why disguise the knock-off Independence Day qualities of the movie?) “He likes Reeces Pieces,” and my personal favorite “Tyler, you have to relax and feel the ship.” The latter is during an action packed rather sexual ending.
After samurai chopping the main creature (a tentacle monster with a Sarlacc pit mouth, not sexual at all!), the mother-ship is about to crash into the still frames of LA. Tyler attempts to steer the ship from the downtown area while the sword chick soothes him, “You have to relax and feel the ship, Tyler.” However, the shot is so close on Tyler and the Sword Chick, it looks like Tyler is feeling… well… insert your own dirty imagery here. Tyler ends up saving the day by steering the ship directly into Watts. And who says race relations are getting better in LA? The moral of story: when you can’t afford Independence Day, there is always The Battle of Los Angeles.
Looking for travel plans this summer? Take a look at this old Bunny Droppings file for all the Albuquerque travel faqs you’ll need. Sorry no faqing refunds.
Q: Do I need a passport to travel to New Mexico?
A: New Mexico is a state of the United States (1912) last time I checked a history book. It is still a hangable offense to steal a cow so the “state” part is debatable. You might want to stick to minor poultry crimes while you are here.
Q: What can I see while I am in Albuquerque?
A: Lot’s of things! A whole bunch of things! More things than you can imagine!
A: We have many lovely shades of dirt if you would like.
Q: I mean landmarks.
A: You can see the historic Old Town. There you can purchase many New Mexican arts and crafts (beads, pots, jewelry) which no New Mexicans actually own. They just sell them to the tourists. There is also the Balloon Fiesta.
Q: That sounds fun, what is the Balloon Fiesta?
A: It is the largest gathering of balloons, orange barrels, and traffic problems in the world. During the balloon fiesta, you can see anything involving hot air including, balloons and public officials. Every morning during the Balloon Fiesta, you will be captivated in awe by a rare sight where you can see hundreds of balloons dotting the horizon. This beautiful picture prefect moment causes traffic to back-up because all the motorists are busy being captivated in awe. Anytime the traffic backs up, the city then tries to solve the traffic problem by mass producing hordes of orange barrels and littering the streets with them often blocking off several lanes of traffic.
Q: Wouldn’t that cause more traffic problems?
A: One would think that is the case but that’s not true. Orange barrels are actually much like zombies. They appear in mass quantity, cause all sorts of havoc, but eventually clear the area of all life. New life eventually returns.
Q: I don’t know if I want to go to Albuquerque anymore.
A: They only eat the slow ones.
Q: I guess Albuquerque could be fun if you like guns and action.
A: As well as chainsaws. Nothing takes care of orange barrel hordes like chainsaws.
Q: What is something that is uniquely Albuquerque?
A: All the fast food places have a steady supply of green chile.
Q: It comes in green?
A: Green, Red, and watch your ass.
Q: I’m thinking about taking my kids. Is there anything the kids can do while the adults, well… party?
A: There is this toothless homeless guy on Central that seems harmless enough. He-
Q: No! I mean like in Vegas when you toss the kids into a wonderland of midway fair type games that have a strange “gambling for children” vibe?
A: Did I mention all the casinos have black light bowling alleys?
Q: I am so there!
A: Why do people travel to casinos anyway? Don’t people go to other cities to experience other cultures, not the sort of facsimile culture that casino/resorts provide?
Q: Shut up! I am doing blow off a stripper I hired with my winnings!
A: I see…