Looking for travel plans this summer? Take a look at this old Bunny Droppings file for all the Albuquerque travel faqs you’ll need. Sorry no faqing refunds.
Q: Do I need a passport to travel to New Mexico?
A: New Mexico is a state of the United States (1912) last time I checked a history book. It is still a hangable offense to steal a cow so the “state” part is debatable. You might want to stick to minor poultry crimes while you are here.
Q: What can I see while I am in Albuquerque?
A: Lot’s of things! A whole bunch of things! More things than you can imagine!
A: We have many lovely shades of dirt if you would like.
Q: I mean landmarks.
A: You can see the historic Old Town. There you can purchase many New Mexican arts and crafts (beads, pots, jewelry) which no New Mexicans actually own. They just sell them to the tourists. There is also the Balloon Fiesta.
Q: That sounds fun, what is the Balloon Fiesta?
A: It is the largest gathering of balloons, orange barrels, and traffic problems in the world. During the balloon fiesta, you can see anything involving hot air including, balloons and public officials. Every morning during the Balloon Fiesta, you will be captivated in awe by a rare sight where you can see hundreds of balloons dotting the horizon. This beautiful picture prefect moment causes traffic to back-up because all the motorists are busy being captivated in awe. Anytime the traffic backs up, the city then tries to solve the traffic problem by mass producing hordes of orange barrels and littering the streets with them often blocking off several lanes of traffic.
Q: Wouldn’t that cause more traffic problems?
A: One would think that is the case but that’s not true. Orange barrels are actually much like zombies. They appear in mass quantity, cause all sorts of havoc, but eventually clear the area of all life. New life eventually returns.
Q: I don’t know if I want to go to Albuquerque anymore.
A: They only eat the slow ones.
Q: I guess Albuquerque could be fun if you like guns and action.
A: As well as chainsaws. Nothing takes care of orange barrel hordes like chainsaws.
Q: What is something that is uniquely Albuquerque?
A: All the fast food places have a steady supply of green chile.
Q: It comes in green?
A: Green, Red, and watch your ass.
Q: I’m thinking about taking my kids. Is there anything the kids can do while the adults, well… party?
A: There is this toothless homeless guy on Central that seems harmless enough. He-
Q: No! I mean like in Vegas when you toss the kids into a wonderland of midway fair type games that have a strange “gambling for children” vibe?
A: Did I mention all the casinos have black light bowling alleys?
Q: I am so there!
A: Why do people travel to casinos anyway? Don’t people go to other cities to experience other cultures, not the sort of facsimile culture that casino/resorts provide?
Q: Shut up! I am doing blow off a stripper I hired with my winnings!
A: I see…