Where are all the soldiers?

I watched a movie called The Battle of Los Angeles. The plot is a complex, intricate, masterminded web of… um… Ok… it’s a stunning metaphor for the plight of… um… a masterpiece of artistic…. um… Aliens attack LA. That’s pretty much it. Add a few CG aliens, some soldiers and that’s about enough for plot.

The characters of the movie… discover hidden truths about themselves… what it means to be human… learn the true value of… They pretty much fight the aliens. So during this epic conflict… battle to the death… slightly intense…  sort of placid fight to the annoyed, they struggle to save the human race… the Planet Hollywood in LA… about two dead extras. For a movie that promises a Battle in the entirety of Los Angeles, there seems to be only about three people living in LA. Not to worry, only a couple of soldiers are stationed in LA too.

When the alien mother-ship blasts the city in an Independence Day fashion, no one is on the streets. During the bombardment of a military base, one soldier yells, “Incoming! Move it!” However, there is only one other person next to him looking at the exact same armada (and by armada, I mean only a couple of ships). I only wish the other guy said, “Duh! I see it! Who are you yelling at dude?”

Luckily enough, since there is only three soldiers and one pilot defending the western seaboard, a chick with a kitana joins them. Aliens with the technology to traverse the void of space attacking cities for kicks would probably have good defensive technology. However, swords and guns that remind me of those wild west cap guns found in cheap Albuquerque tourist traps, can penetrate their hulls. It’s good that the aliens have shields equivalent of cardboard. How much can three soldiers and a sword chick really do during an invasion?

The movie isn’t all action alien fighting sequences. There is fact a scene where Tyler is told that he can’t fly in the jet fighters. I really started to identify with the characters at this point. I’ve always wanted to fly in the jet fighters but they arrest me everytime I sneak on the Airforce base. Don’t worry Tyler! I feel your pain. I know your hopes, fears, and desires. You’ll get your chance, Tyler old buddy. Sure enough, Tyler is the only one that can fly the alien spaceship at the end.

The movie wouldn’t be complete without snappy dialogue like “I have got to get me one of those” (why disguise the knock-off Independence Day qualities of the movie?) “He likes Reeces Pieces,” and my personal favorite “Tyler, you have to relax and feel the ship.” The latter is during an action packed rather sexual ending.

After samurai chopping the main creature (a tentacle monster with a Sarlacc pit mouth, not sexual at all!), the mother-ship is about to crash into the still frames of LA. Tyler attempts to steer the ship from the downtown area while the sword chick soothes him, “You have to relax and feel the ship, Tyler.” However, the shot is so close on Tyler and the Sword Chick, it looks like Tyler is feeling… well… insert your own dirty imagery here. Tyler ends up saving the day by steering the ship directly into Watts. And who says race relations are getting better in LA? The moral of story: when you can’t afford Independence Day, there is always The Battle of Los Angeles.

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

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