Dogs Not Jihads

My wife and I have finally figured out how to really end any extremist activity that endangers the lives of innocent people: Dogs Not Jihads. Instead of supplying terrorists with training, weapons, and military tactics, we will give them a basket full of puppies instead. When given the option of acts of violence or a loveable dog, the choice is obvious.

The whole Osama Bin Laden ordeal could have been prevented way back during the cold war. When Osama went to the United States for training and weapons to boot the Russians out of Afghanistan, the US should have responded with a gift basket of puppies. Who can really declare jihad with a basket full of puppies on their doorstep?

Osama: Curse you American Pig… oh look… the one with a spot on his head loves his brother by licking his ear! I think I will name him Akbar-Jihad-Musta-Kill-Lot-of-American-Capitalist-Hate-Regime-Terror-Death-Destroy-Ali-Jab-Dak’har!

This idea that probably won’t change the world really doesn’t have to stop with dogs. Other cute animals can be used as well. Let’s say on the off chance you are a crazy separatist religious group located in the vicinity of Waco, Texas. You really aren’t bothering anybody, aside from brainwashing and a little sexual abuse. The FBI decides to have a dance off-

FBI: When your a jet your a jet all the way.

David Koresh: Um… can we have a stand off instead?

FBI: Fine, Broadway is obviously dead.

David Koresh: I beg to differ! We use this compound to rehearse numbers from Ritual Sexual Abuse, The Musical!

FBI: Let’s just have the stand off.

-stand off. Before you set fire to the compound and machine gun your way into history… look… what’s that. An FBI Agent is bringing something to the compound. It seems like a… yes, it is! A basket full of kittens! They are so cute. Look at them batting the little bow on the basket with their tiny little paws. That’s so precious. With such cuteness in the world, how can anyone even want to brainwash and sexually abuse anymore!

Of course there are always extremists assholes that are so heinous that they’d probably try to kick the puppies. So live animals aren’t always the answer. But the idea is the same. Make them so incredibly cute that they really couldn’t be mean to anyone. Imagine Hitler wearing a cute little sailor suit holding a giant lollipop. A man with a lollipop that big isn’t thinking about mass genocide.

The people of the planet can finally relax now that we have a way to deal with all human rights travesties. Hotel Rwanda can be a leash free zone by simply replacing the bullets with tennis balls. Some bunnies and flower baskets placed in the DMZ on the 38th parallel has way more lasting effects than landmines! You can’t even see the landmines to enjoy their beauty! Extremists of the world watch out, Japanese school girls will have your googly eyed cell phone trinket likeness any day now!

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