Not Another Robocalypse!

After watching this video, I thought that the robot overlords now have a fully functionally samurai. Least we forget the function of samurai in medieval Japan:

Peasant: Honorable Samurai, please defend us from the evil warlord that steals our rice.

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant: Sweet! Thanks honorable samurai! Have some rice. Whoa buddy… not too much… we need to eat too you know.

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant 2: You killed Bob!

THWACK! HACK! SLICE! Other lawn mower and bone crunching sounds!

Peasant 3: Um… keep the rice.

Now we have a robot that can essentially do the job of samurai. So in the event of robot rebellion, the sword fighting bots will surely be on the battlefield. Before change your name to a series of ones and zeros for the coming robocalypse, let’s analyze this video. My first impression is that these sword wielding bots really don’t move very fast. I don’t move very fast and I feel like I could take them. Believe me, that says a lot. As I am one of the slower human beings on the planet.

For example, when we leave the house, my wife sometimes locks the door herself while I fumble for the keys. To truly understand this moment, you must understand that I am on a different temporal plane than my wife. Our time perception is completely separated in opposite directions. For example, I perceive me reaching for my keys and a blur of motion as my wife locks the door. My wife perceives  me reaching for my keys… in slow motion… clouds drift lazily in the heat… the sun creeps across the sky… the grass seems to grow… and the door is still not locked! I’ll lock it. Maybe I’ll wait for him…. the grass is still growing… fuck it, I’ll lock it!

Then I’ll register that she just locked the door and I’ll put away my keys. The clouds… the sun… the grass… I better get the car door too… So when I say that I’m fast enough to take the robot in a sword fight, I’m pretty sure society won’t be in shambles quite yet. A few speed upgrades will take out simple folk like me.

There are still ways to fight the bot. They use a Microsoft Kinect to track the motion of the sword fighter. Aside from the obvious installing Vista joke to slow down the robot, there are plenty of ways to thwart the Kinect technology. I prefer a live octopus ink spray because humor writer’s never go for solutions unless they pose more problems than the original situation.

So rest easy tonight knowing the robocalypse is still more science fiction than fact and adopt an Octopus pet today. Besides, had this been an actual robocalypse, the emergency broadcast system would tell you to stick your head in the refrigerator and slam the door repeatedly. Unless of course you have a smart refrigerator that will gladly do the slamming for you.

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