One Backpack to Rule Them All

My wife is about to buy a backpack simply called Q. Which is an amazing name for a bag due to a variety of reasons. First and foremost, Q is an omnipotent being, from a place called the Continuum, who uses vast cosmic power to tool around with the crew the from the Star Trek series. Q is a brilliant idea because he is close to being a god and uses the vast ability for a few yucks. I’d imagine omnipotent beings probably do have a sense of humor. Take the deity responsible for Earth:

A deity takes a hit from a bong.

Deity: What if… what if… we had really long necks.

Deity’s Family Member: Like a giraffe?

Deity: Yeah man… a giraffe. That’s what I’ll call it.

My wife’s backpack is not only cool because it’s Q but it’s a Q in the Continuum. A while back, the mayor of Albuquerque attempted to re-brand the city with a hip letter Q. There is a giant Q near the uptown mall. Various Q’s are in the background of newer street signs. My wife and I decided that Albuquerque must be the Continuum with all these Q’s around. Back home at the Q never stuck whereas tooling about at the Continuum seemed much more appropriate.

Of course, this begs the question of what would you do with an omnipotent backpack? Certainly any omnipotent being would suggest a few choice pranks but a humor writer hell bent on not changing the world would say the omnipotent being is probably right.

1. If the backpack is a “Bad Taste” style bag of many things, my wife would have endless fun at school pulling items at random intervals during a large boring lecture class. For example: a pen, pencil, paper, protractor, colored pencils, steno pad, laptop, laptop mouse, docking station, power strip, tower, 52″ monitor, a Sims Medieval helmet…

2. The Q could be the James Bond Q and loaded with all sorts of advanced weaponry. A must have for traffic problems.

3. Maybe it is the nineties first person shooter called Q. In which case, the wearer of the back pack can move forward, back, turn at right angles, and wander around a pixelated environment that was pretty cool for it’s time.

4. The backpack could always hold an elixir for every known disease. Which would probably be bought out by Redbull and advertised by a bunch of extreme sport meat-heads using the cure to support flying dirt bike jousting.

5. A gateway to another world lies inside the backpack. Unfortunately, due to size constraints, a person can only stick their head in the alternate dimension. Which didn’t turn out so well when the half goat guy happened to be peeing near the entrance.

6. A portal to John Malkovich’s big toe…

7. The spring of infinite water showers from the backpack, which is a great hit at parties combined with Jesus’s abilities.

8. Unlimited Justin Bieber 8″by10″s? Probably some military psychological warfare experiment.

9. Using the bag of limitless wealth to buy Justin Bieber 8″by10″s one at a time is worth the effort to see the clerk’s expression every time you get back into line.

10. A jet pack is only cool for fighting moon men. Modern super heroes achieve flight usually via some sort of radiation poisoning. They may be loosing skin but they sure can fly.

Tron Fights for… Jeff Bridges?

Before I start my regularly scheduled humor post, I want to put everything thing out on the table. I feel no reason to hide the fact that Jeff Bridges has a country album. Nor should Jeff feel any shame in joining the musical actor ranks of William Shanter, Joe Pesci, and my personal favorite Leonard Nimoy (mainly because of the epic musical masterpiece: “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”). Which of course, I found for your viewing pleasure:

Is this what you want Jeff Bridges? Really?

Now that Jeff’s musicality is out in the open, I am really here to write about Tron: Legacy. I watched the movie last night and somehow was transported back to the nineties. Most would view the next installment of Tron as a nostalgic romp into the eighties. They wouldn’t really be wrong because of the scenic eighties “Space Paranoids”. Visual effects aside, I found the rhetoric of the movie more on the lines of Antitrust.

For those that remember the late nineties and early aughts, Microsoft was a big scary evil empire that would one day rule the world. Of course when air traffic control software starts using Windows, count me out of flying on planes. I think I’ll walk. The movie Antitrust was basically fueled by fear of Microsoft getting too big. Tim Robbins even played a billionaire, who was a surrogate for Bill Gates that would murder to ensure his software control.

During the time Antitrust, if you didn’t want to mess with installing Linux but still wanted to “stick it to the man”, you could always get a Mac. The funny idea behind Tron: Legacy is that Mac is in the position of the evil empire. Just like Tim Robbins was unmistakeable for Bill Gates, the evil empire in Tron: Legacy is releasing… drum roll… OS12… No… Not OS12!! How could you!

Essentially, Apple now gets to have a spot in the evil empire chair. The critics of Apple would of course say they are evil because they create the walled garden (Everything works great until you want content outside of the garden). My wife loves them because they always run well and she doesn’t really want anything outside the wall anyway. But whether you love or hate them, they worked hard to be in that evil empire chair and deserve some credit.

People don’t realize that building a evil empire, hellbent on taking over the world, takes a lot of hard work. It’s not just a simple of matter of building a product that people buy. There are plenty of officials to bribe, child labor to exploit, and third world countries to rape. Evil isn’t a matter of waking up one morning and deciding to be evil.

Steve Jobs: Let’s do something different. I bored of creating tech giants.

Bill Gates: Like what?

SJ: Let’s eat a baby.

BG: I better stop donating all this money to charity. Tabasco or Mustard?

Evil is a lot of hard work. To create a conglomerate that will dominate the globe, takes dedication. First, you have to create software that uses Bluetooth  to rewrite people’s brain waves. Then you have to create a phone that pleases everybody (If you’ve done that, I’ll file those patents for you…). Finally, you have to oversee the planet. Ruling the United States is hard enough but the world? Think about Obama’s job. Imagine being handed a giant pile of shit. Then every will criticize you when that shit doesn’t smell nice. You can sculpt it anyway you want but it’s still shit.

I’d imagine creating software that gives you billions of dollars is good enough. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates can bath Scrooge McDuck style in a swimming pool of money. I’d think they would have better things to do than that global domination plan… with a vast evilness that is so dastardly, they call it…. OS12!! Noooo! Not OS12!

On a final note, Tron no longer fights for the users. He fights for Jeff Bridges. Tron likes country music. So shut up!

Bring Me My Mead!

According to a study, rich people are more prone being less socially conscience. I know I speak for downtrodden when I say… duh. I can’t think of a society in all of human history where the wealthy didn’t stay on the top from the sweat and toil of the poor. Kings, emperors, shoguns, and various royalty knew this for centuries! I am fully aware that there are socially responsible wealthy out there (more power to you), unfortunately those seem to be a part of the minority. I’d imagine that the world would be a more socially conscience place if weighted the other way.

I don’t really see how we need a study to show us how the wealthy shape society to benefit themselves. I think the serf/king model really does nicely to show human behavior. Take the Tea Party for example. The humor writer in me wants to make a Tea Bag joke but I will be way more mature than that and call them poopie heads. They are generally opposed to the idea of socialized healthcare. Now let’s apply healthcare to the serf/king system.

As a serf, I toil on the land all day. My lord sits in the castle eating the mutton from my toils and drinking Appletini’s (he’s sick of ale). However, serfs don’t have a health benefits to prevent ailments such as leprosy and plague so half the work force dies. The lord really has no incentive to get the farmers healthcare (not that they would want it because it usually involve leeches) because the farmer will toil regardless. The serf understands that food is put on the table via work. Whereas the lord get’s food regardless. Usually, most lords don’t have a clue anything is wrong until the peasant revolt is well underway and by then it’s too late to really enact any change.

Thus we have the core issue of the rich. They don’t understand that being socially responsible will help them in the long run because they don’t see the direct gain. There really is no incentive for creating social change. Thus we have Tea Party like entities that supports policies that really wouldn’t affect them. Healthcare doesn’t really mean anything to a person that afford care without it. However, when medical procedure can wipe an entire life’s savings or be inaccessible due to money concerns, healthcare becomes a big issue.

While I don’t see the American public revolting with pitchforks and torches to take out the wealthy in the near future, I do see trouble on the horizon if socially irresponsible policies continue to be created. Even healthcare is something that can provide gain to the upper class. Ultimately, a healthy working class will call into work less, cost less to provide care (by focusing on preventative care), and work harder for a place that takes care of them. Creating a better world costs money and the well off must understand that for our species to evolve.

I am not part of that upper class. But if I ever got there, I’d feel it would be my civic responsibility to take care of the people that help keep me there. After all, the upper class money comes from the lower classes that buy that burger, movie ticket, album, gas, etc. How could I not feel the need to care for the millions that give me the ability to go to any country on a private jet? A lower class individual understands the value of sacrifice and pro-social behavior for long term gain. I think it’s time the upper class learns those values.

That’s why I have devised a program to create socially conscience members of society. I call it the Painstick Preparedness Plan. For those Star Trek lovers, the Painstick is a Klingon implement that jolts a person with pain. Every time a person yammers on about a policy that gives a small group of advantaged people an even bigger advantage. Painstick time!  A few jolts to the socially irresponsible and thus will emerge the better world. Because violence solves everything!

15 TV Pilot Failures

From the Bunny Droppings files:

1. CSI Leave It to Beaver – The first episode involved a lot of a vomiting from the Beave and Wally. Eventually, Wally downward spiraled into heroin addiction.

2. V: North Korea – The Aliens began worshiping the Kim Jong-Il like a god and wondered what the hell happened? They were supposed to be the terror dictators!

3. Lost: Central Park – They eventually escaped after one of them hailed a cab, but not after a few hobo fights.

4. American President – Kind of like American Idol except for the presidential election. Simon was discovered dead in his bedroom from “natural causes.”

5. The Prisoner Blues Clues – Steve ended up on the spy prison island. Blue was number 2. Famous quote: “I’m not a number. I’m a free man! Let’s dance.”

6. The Never-ending X-Files – It really wouldn’t end when it should. Just like the original X-Files. Zing!

7. Fresh Prince of 24 – Parachute pants weren’t really effective means to go undercover from the terrorists.

8. Who wants to be a Terror Dictator? – The contestants started worshiping one of the judges, Kim Jong-il. How does that guy do that?

9. Elmo the Vampire Slayer – Killed in the pilot. However, Ernie experimented with witchcraft and discovered his true feelings for Burt.

10. Phreak Factor – Just like Fear Factor except with Meth addicts.

11. Full Big House – The entire cast of Full House in prison. Uncle Jesse had the map tattooed on his chest. Bonus feature on the DVD set featured a cut shower scene with Joey saying, “Is it made of wood?”

12. Battlestar West Wing – Featured an insane doctor that kept speaking to an imagined Cylon Hilary Clinton.

13. All in the Borg Family – Good old fashion assimilation values.

14. Win Ben Stein’s Used Toiletries – They couldn’t find any contestants except for a couple of stalkers.

15. Eat, Drink and Be Larry’s made for TV dramas – This is serious guys! Shut up! Stop laughing!