One Backpack to Rule Them All

My wife is about to buy a backpack simply called Q. Which is an amazing name for a bag due to a variety of reasons. First and foremost, Q is an omnipotent being, from a place called the Continuum, who uses vast cosmic power to tool around with the crew the from the Star Trek series. Q is a brilliant idea because he is close to being a god and uses the vast ability for a few yucks. I’d imagine omnipotent beings probably do have a sense of humor. Take the deity responsible for Earth:

A deity takes a hit from a bong.

Deity: What if… what if… we had really long necks.

Deity’s Family Member: Like a giraffe?

Deity: Yeah man… a giraffe. That’s what I’ll call it.

My wife’s backpack is not only cool because it’s Q but it’s a Q in the Continuum. A while back, the mayor of Albuquerque attempted to re-brand the city with a hip letter Q. There is a giant Q near the uptown mall. Various Q’s are in the background of newer street signs. My wife and I decided that Albuquerque must be the Continuum with all these Q’s around. Back home at the Q never stuck whereas tooling about at the Continuum seemed much more appropriate.

Of course, this begs the question of what would you do with an omnipotent backpack? Certainly any omnipotent being would suggest a few choice pranks but a humor writer hell bent on not changing the world would say the omnipotent being is probably right.

1. If the backpack is a “Bad Taste” style bag of many things, my wife would have endless fun at school pulling items at random intervals during a large boring lecture class. For example: a pen, pencil, paper, protractor, colored pencils, steno pad, laptop, laptop mouse, docking station, power strip, tower, 52″ monitor, a Sims Medieval helmet…

2. The Q could be the James Bond Q and loaded with all sorts of advanced weaponry. A must have for traffic problems.

3. Maybe it is the nineties first person shooter called Q. In which case, the wearer of the back pack can move forward, back, turn at right angles, and wander around a pixelated environment that was pretty cool for it’s time.

4. The backpack could always hold an elixir for every known disease. Which would probably be bought out by Redbull and advertised by a bunch of extreme sport meat-heads using the cure to support flying dirt bike jousting.

5. A gateway to another world lies inside the backpack. Unfortunately, due to size constraints, a person can only stick their head in the alternate dimension. Which didn’t turn out so well when the half goat guy happened to be peeing near the entrance.

6. A portal to John Malkovich’s big toe…

7. The spring of infinite water showers from the backpack, which is a great hit at parties combined with Jesus’s abilities.

8. Unlimited Justin Bieber 8″by10″s? Probably some military psychological warfare experiment.

9. Using the bag of limitless wealth to buy Justin Bieber 8″by10″s one at a time is worth the effort to see the clerk’s expression every time you get back into line.

10. A jet pack is only cool for fighting moon men. Modern super heroes achieve flight usually via some sort of radiation poisoning. They may be loosing skin but they sure can fly.

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